The Peak Condition Project - Royce

NEW BLOG, NEW JOURNAY, NEW EVERYTHING

2010-09-05T00:20:00.000-07:00

Ok dears,

New Blog now....don't mind the lack of creativity in it right now....will get to the graphic design aspect of it soon...

this blog will be a lot more vile and raunchy and fun though....THough this blog was fun too but I had to hold back A LOT.

haha

http://templeofdododo.blogspot.com/

bless ya all,

Royce

final post PART 2

2010-09-02T02:24:00.000-07:00

eating spinach dip...tastes cheap.

it's 2:25 and i'm watching gays dry hump each other out side my window, outside the gay bar accross the street.

my desk is located in the REPUNZEL like top corner of my apartment. It is scattered with scetches, a wooden peice of draft wood I call my"CRAFTY GUN" , You pick it up and shoot yourself with it in the temple and it fires pure concentrated ideas into your brain, some drawings Mario drew....which look very fucking freaky, so I keep them and a Hemalyan salt crystal lamp....

Maria and I were too poor for dinner tonight so we ate magic mushrooms.

We were also celebrating because she just came third place in a wet t -shirt contest and won the temple of DOODIE DOO DOO 50 dollars.

She buzzed off into the night, high as the highest kite...but they had zero effect on me So I'm sitting here eating spinach dip and going back to my new comfort zone. Blogging.

reading book on GETTING THINGS DONE, while i munch on some crumbs I found.

We are starting our excercise regime again tommorow. But with me and Maria together. We are going to essentialy do a PCP hour every day as part of our DO DO DO routine.

But this one doesn't have an end date. Unless the end date is DEATH. certain death.

OH maria is back now. she is making tea. It will be mushroom free.

I've really taken to baths lately, mostly because we do not have a shower curtain. I haven't had them in years. RELAXING.

Today was a very wasted day...I have 2 more days until I'm a full time drawer/creator/poor as shit/potentialy happy as shit too.

hmmm....i'm never like this in my life....but today and last few days i've been thinking about .........oh god.......being lonely.....and single........it's so ridiculous.....i hate myself for being so....human ...sometimes...I don't know what brought these feelings to the front.

Maybe it's the constant coupling and dry humping outside my window?
maybe it's because i've cleared the slate of all other problems and now the ego can only think of relationships to distract me from my work.

I don't ever start drawing until like the afternoon anyway, so i dont think it was a complete wasted day. The window of ideas is like 5 pm to 5 am. A good 12 hours of work time.

though Surprisingly this week has been busier than last week. The storm has calmed though, just these two more days of work to go through. Nothing else to worry about but drawing and bringing table over here...

hmm but yes, all morning I rolled in blanket in terrible sadness. Retarded sadness based on nothing. About how i'll be single forever. God...i don't even know why I would care...I hate that i just suddenly out of nowhere am lonely and sad because of it. truely a waste of my time.

Luckily it's been only a day of it and i have picked myself up.

It is true though, I've completely accepted the fact that i'll be a one man show for ever if not a very long time. I'm too damn strange and unrelatable for any sort of relationship.
I am sometimes good at PLAYING normal, but it fades quickly and things go sour.

So it's best I don't think about shite like this. All I need is my pencils and papers anyway. haha that sounds pathetic.

perhaps i'll end up as a great artist from this...and then have a supermodel at my side....like a really stereotyped dumb one that never asks questions so it'll never get boring.

Whatever....Batman is cool with just being Batman....BAH even that is a LIE...he just came back from time traveling and realized he needs a whole team, so created like 30 batmen and that doesn't even include the robins.

Where is MY lois lane dear!?

Maybe food will be my lover...and ill become obese and housebound. and sit in the corner while Maria brings me people from below to sacrifice and eat whole in the name of DO DO DO.

The psychic 2 years ago said i'll be single for a VERY VERY VERY long time and then i'll date an old man....

what an asshole...

an OLD MAN.

BATMAN + OLD MAN!?

oh dear....ALFRED?

NO thank you.

NOT a very romantic concept.

This whole accepting myself as a single asexual hermit has really effected my appearance though. I just stop trying, with my clothes...and hygiene and whatnot......oh god...what if i've become soo hermitlike that it is repulsive? WHat if I have become a joke!?

Also...I walked into my mothers apartment today and it was so so so filthy. Garbage everywhere, just absolutely the worst thing I ever seen in my life.

heaps of trash, windows closed tight in darkness, fast food bags everwhere. I was like OH MOM HOW COULD YOU GET THIS BAD?!"

and shes like " IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU DON'T VISIT ME ENOUGH SO I GOT SAD , IT'S NOT MY FAULT! YOU DON'T VISIT ME!"

That kind of really pissed me off.

she's single too, has been since she started letting herself go hard and stopped caring about her appearance.

Is it evil to ignore that problem? Everything is going sweller than it ever has...I just don't want to deal with that shit too. She's not a feeble old woman, she can clean up her own god damn mess. I shouldn't make it my problem should I?

what if my unnatural unnormalness leads me into a dark life of trash and singleness too?

Maybe that is why I always look for roommates ( er...or because im poor as shit) so i don't have to be alone to see what the apartment would become if it was just me.

Oh well...Back to drawing.

PCP part 2 and friends starts tommorow morning

FINAL ( psuedo final final)

2010-09-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

stealing PLAN B's inturdnet right now.

That is some nightclub right below us...which has thankfully been under construction lately.

Took me a whopping ten minukes to load my g-mail account ...and then I read " Dude where is your final entry?"

LISSEEEEEEEEEEEN.

My final final entry will be when I gets mah inturdnets up and running.

But...I DON'T WANT A FINAL ENTRY!!!!!

I guess I could make it on my mothers office computer , where I go once a week in the mornings before she gets there, to send the bigger e-mails...I'll think about that...I kind of have a vision of me sitting here with a type writer ala Murder She Wrote and writing my final entry from my desk and looking out the window. Pulling the paper from my machine ....it flutters out my window and scrolls accross the sky.

I moved my last box into the apartment last night with the helps of my dear friends. I'm finaly finaly all moved in.

I've been rather poor lately due to....being poor...and foresee myself getting even poorer. So I had to resort to a little theft here and there to eat. But I call it ETHICAL theft. I only steal what they mean to throw away....which they still call theft....
I ust can't stand that they throw away 40 dollars worth of halibut because its been out of the cooler for 5 minutes....so I saw them chuck it...and HOW DARE...so i went into that trashcan and grabbed it ( was still bagged)...this is becoming a nasty little habit though...i've gone into compost lately and taken BAGS of organic produce that has been thrown out because it had a SPOT on it...a SPOT...

but then last night I took this chicken breast ....that was still cold...but i found it in the cookie aisle....destined for trash...I snatched it up... AT IT WITH RICE CRACKERS...AND..AND...PUKE
was so food sick last night...haven't been food sicked ever before really...PUKKED ALLLL OVVER THE PLACE. That was the fun part.....took a bloody hour to clean up though....not the fun part.

I feel rather sick still though.

2 more days till i'm a full time creator.

it's extremely hard to really clarify what it is that I do..

" SO YOU'RE LEAVING TO BE AN ARTIST.....DO YOU DO LANDSCAAAPES?!"

" no, landscapes make me sleep"

" DO YOU DO PORTRAITS!?"

" not preferably, but i suppose i would if i got paid"

" THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?"

" I like to create things and bring people and stories to life"

I don't know what kind of title that is...

I don't want to say i'm a graphic novelist....because I WOULD LOVE AND WILL make a comic book...it's my dream...but that's just one way to bring life to a world and characters and tell a myth.

Maybe I'm a Mythmaker.

CREATOR...

GOD!?...hmm...don't push it darling.

My apartment is very much me some days...and very much a stranger on other days.

It really has nothing to do with where you are ...just what your doing with it. I can imagine being totally miserable here too...the only thing that I guess we have control over is what we are creating and our output. That's the only thing that will make things happy....oh son of a bitch...I think inturdnet just got disconnected......oh...picked up a signal again...ok...back to it.

This PCP journey has been a wild wet delicious and BANGIN ride for me.

It started because I wanted Abs...then half way through...when I got all the salt and sugar out of my brain....it started to open up a part of my self that I have forgotten or not played with since I was a child. THE REAL creator in me was coming out to play again. Not the me that was pretending to be a creator for 12 years but the efforts where all HACKLIKE...I think i've found ROYCE in this....which is far superior to ABs I suppose.

Hmm...in fact....this whole PCP journey for me has been like...like that HEROES journey from a joseph campbells book.

Average boy , mentor, falls into unfamiliar world, finds true self, then backs out, meets final crisis EVERYTHING LOOKS BLEAK, UNBEARABLE....gives in to the dark side, but in the final moments everything works out...

though I don't feel like i concluded yet...I think it's more loose tied...ready for a sequel.

Within this last month, all of you have been there for me while EVERYTHING CHANGED.
This is completely not the life I had going into the pcp...not one single thing is the same.
Completely shaken up. Im excited to see how everything plays out.....or more importantly how I play with everything as it plays out.

ALL of you are absolutely brilliant.

ALL of you have a sturdy strength I wish I had...mines more of a cluster bomb. THERE THERE AND EVERYWHERE.

Everynight new people have been to our apartment ...So the apartment seems to attract people, even with my boxes laid out everywhere....So i'm sure there will be a tonne of stories from this new fact alone.

I think this is the year I lose my STRAIGHT EDGE ness as well..

The year I get to explore...smartly....the ROYCE CHILD SELF i've forgotten for a long time. This year is completely dedicated to him..

My roommate gave me a little bit of Lavender and mushroom to smoke. Just a hint of the mushroom part...and my dreams where on FIRE...they weren't like other dreams...but they were like direct answers to your problems of the moment, in fully HD.

If that's just a taste of what's to come...I'M EXXXXCIITED.

Though...don't worry dears, I would never go all out drugs and drink like a lot of artists out there.

I think they do it because they think it gives them ideas.

I think it just temporarily enhances A side to you that you always have access to.
I think it's just important to remember it's there sometimes.

Hmmm...

Theft...drugs...CHICken puke...

did I cover everything this week?

hmm...i'm still in rant blog mood, not FINALE blog mood haha

But this is my acting final post....but clearly not my final post.

THINGS WOULDN'T BE WHERE THEY ARE NOW WITHOUT EACH OF YOU.

AND THANK YOU Patrick for completely haunting the last 3 months of my life and probably much moooore.

I learned a TONNE and obviously wont stop.

BAH....I'LL BE BACK...with a more finale feeling blog soon.

LOVE,

ROYCE

....waiting for inturdnet to pick up signal before i send this.....

haha, didn't work....will try again.

update:

ten....minukes....later

15 minukes later....

oh dear...HUGE Lineup outside ....thoguht it was for the gay bar....but that place is a shithole....then realized it's FRINGE festival and everyone is waiting to be seated in the theatre next door for the play.....17 minukes later..

I just realized PCP is also a name for a drug a few days ago when I said " I was on PCP" and they replied " angeldust?" Might explain WHY NOT EVERYONE was supportive.

20 minutes later.....

white chocolate crumbs look like feta cheese....

this is annoying...ill just leave this as my main page and send it later.

update: about time!!

edit: How come EVERYONE in my younger brothers class ...3 years younger than me...has a baby...except ONE kid from the original group of them. But out of my age group from elementary school....in my grade...not one of us has a child at all...but we are all the fucked up mid twenties CONFUSED with life types.

INTURDESTING...INTURDESTING....

I need to get KNOOOCKED UP.

Day 90- BEAUTY MY DEARS, BEAUTY

2010-08-29T00:36:00.000-07:00

TEAM SEXAY, you people have hands down been the thing I look forward to most EVERY DAY...NOW MAYBE its because i'm now addicted to blogging, or maybe because you all are just...so....DEVINE? ABS ABS TO GO AROUND, you're all gorgeous.

Typing this post from an office that is not my office and NOT my computer...but i wrote my blog on scrap paper at work today so I can type it up here quick and vanish.

SO...last night really gave me hope for everything.

I finished some more packing at my old place...I feel really sad that I lived there so long...It was like self imposed prison in a little characterless box that I turned into a mess of filth. It's truely not a pleasant sight, Going in for hopefuly the final cleaning tommorow morning.

I went home to the temple and ...it felt different than the last few days...like...it was vibrating. Earlier in the day I was having a bad art day. Drawings loads but one of those days where the gods don't bless you with any good ideas/concepts so you ust have to focus on technique instead....which is still very important...so in all it was a good art day. Got the job done.

Then night came. The gay bar outside was fluttering with little sex fiends in their skimpiest and I heard a loud shout while I was staring at self in the bathroom mirror...coming from the corner window.

" ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYCE"

Why it was My good dear friend Mario and his friend Anna. Gorgeous creatures. Mario traveled ALL the way from the INTURDNETS to come yell up to the temple of DO DO DO. Is a long journey.

At the exact same time that Mario yelled up ,Takehiro, devine princess of the queens of the moon ( heir to the throne of Nod, in the land of the FAIR FAERIES)came to the door as well... with gifts.

It felt like the musical "rent"...Living in the best apartment in the city, Poor unfortunate artists gathering together with gifts to unite or whatever.

It was all awkward at first. naturaly. So I offered Takehiros services as a witch to Mario and Anna and asked if he could read them their Tarot. Of course I didn't warn the fair maiden Takehiro of Mario's gorgeousness, so he was really nervous giving the reading AND DID NOT MAKE IT NEARLY dramatic enough.

Mario completely had Takehiro, Maria, and me Smitten. He has this incredible talent that one could only equal to being a living breathing muse. He understood his physicality to a level of pure sophistication. Everything he wore or how he sat seemed almost mathmatical. Patrick talked about the " Blink" , dear Mario got it nailed. I've got work to do if I want to be legendary and instantly recognized as TEMPLE OF DOODIE DO DO head...with an heir of sophistication about me. I need to learn a thing or two from this guy.

The most astonishing thing about last night....after Takehiro got tired of spinning around in his see through dress, we all sat down in our seperate corners of the floor and either drew/wrote music/made terrible bread ( Maria ). WE created for 3 hours. The TEMPLE OF DO DO was finaly growing into its name, INSPIRING CREATION. THIS IS WHAT I WANTED ALL ALONG....but on a much more dynamic scale...but this was perfect too.

When everyone found their seperate space on the ground to sleep....after an hour of writing combined effort fantasy smut porn of Psychic Sylvia browne and Oprah Winfrey,I had an awesome idea as I tried to sleep ( I sleep on the windowsill ...like a fancy cat overlooking the comic book store): I WANT AT LEAST 3-4 BEAUTIFUL , CREATIVE, TRUELY INNOVATIVE PEOPLE HERE . Working all day on our creations and supporting eachother food wise from being scrappy on the side. IF you fight the world as a Pack of creative wolves...NOTHING WOULD STOP YOU. YOU COULD LITERALY SPEND 15 HOURS A DAY drawing, then put in your effort for the pack to eat....rent would be so cheap...and You'de just support each other...like a beautiful makeshift family...all with something to offer.

The idea really excites me.

Before I went to bed...it was just me and Takehiro awake talking about gods and art and the beauty of the universe and he said " My dear...the two severed heads I saw floating behind Mario during his reading today...seemed to have gone...This Temple seems like it belongs to you now...It is yours now"

It really did feel like something changed in this place last night...The Temple of Doodie DOo doo was born

I went to bed with when the streets outside were disserted and woke up to the streets haing been made ready for a parade of sorts.. skaeboarding rings seemed to have appeared out of nowhere...an the streets where shut down from cars....One lone hooker walked down below my window wearing a pink bikini top and a dress that literally fell past her naked ass...She was tweaked out on MANY things...She shouted...at 10 am this beautiful morning" WHO DO I HAVE TO BLOW TO GET BACK TO CALIFORNIA!?" ...sigh...and I knew I was Home.

Making a bullet

2010-08-27T01:23:00.000-07:00

Boom Boom Boom dears.

Laying on floor in temple.

Not overthrown with energy and drive and unlimited creation like i imagined living above my comic store would feel...

Temple feels nice, eerie, but not VIBRATING WITH ENERGY of the sun like it should be...

then it hit me...

This place has had many many occupants and everynight it has to watch VERY LOUD gays fight in drunken slurrys outside....WHY WOULD it be vibrating....

So I'm making a bullet to kill it/reboot it. PHOENIX BULLET!

it needs to learn that Gods live here now. Gods with ONE goal: creation.

I need to train it to be our Mt. Olympus.

the Gunpowder is made of DOING, DOING, DOING and consists of me drawing all day, excerciisng every morning and only eating foods fit for the gods...I want to throw in meditation or journeying in there aswell ...but we'll SEE.

I think everything else is just a goddamn excuse not to do shit.

" im not feeling the right vibes"
" the ghost suggests we move the table this way"
" I feel like the energy isnt good today, lets cast a spell or two:"

NO NO, NO MORE OF THAT.

this is the temple, I HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK.
SPIRITUAL REALM OR MATERIAL REALM...one more fantastic than the other...means NOTHING...they are BOTH shite. BOTH just distractions!

only thing important is DO.

The bullet might take awhile to take effect...But every day I DO, It moves a little closer to the heart of the temple....I think i'll know if it works the day someone walks in and goes " The energy in here makes me realize everything in my life is a lie...where IS SOME PAPER...I HAVE A SUDDEN NEED TO DRAW!"

P.S.

Moving is going so slowly because I have no truck haha...Me and a different friend every day literaly have to move one peice of furniture or box all the way downtown, takes about 2 hours for one load...then it's usually off to work after that....

I'm really annoyed that I haven't gotten enough drawing done this week. I'm frusterated that I underestimated this move. I figure I paid rent till the first...so i'm good for 2 more days there...tommorow i'm just going to take the entire day off of everything and just sit and draw and move all these scribbles I made on notepads during work ( A LOT , A LOT OF SCRIBBBLES and doodles, many im quite proud of haha) and spend tommorow ( friday) turning them into coherent designs. one and a half more weeks till absolute ABSOLUTE freedom...welll...I guess until after the move actually...Then it wont feel as cramped.

ROYCE INC BLOG BLOG

2010-08-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

Ha ha so my dear Operatic singer master Takehiro and I were walking to my old apartment to collect my Pony ( rocking wooden pony) and other assortments and he's like " MY DEAR, EVERYTIME I'VE BEEN READING YOUR BLOG SINCE THE BEGGINING AND NOT ONCE HAS IT BEEN ABOUT PCP" haha

shite. I've never had a blog/or diary in my life and I have to say It's become very much a neccessity for me. It's like I don't have a choice anymore but to blog...i get an itch in the back of my spine when I have something to say and it drags me to the computer to type it out..or the nearest note pad.

I SIMPLY hate the fact that I could be discouraging future PCPers due to long rants about missing my mothers birthday ( SEE BELOW BLOGPOST). SO....

ROYCE INC. CHRONICLES FROM THE TEMPLE OF DO DO DO BloG begins THIS WEEK DEARS.

Speaking of the temple. A demon/ghost/dickwad sat on my roommates chest last night and told her " THe energy in the apartment will never work, give up on your goal to make this place yours. You two will never make it into what you invision it to be"

Hmmm. Rather old buildings are bound to have a ghost or two ..and this is a rather old building...

It gives me hope that this year is going to go very well for us.
If it would be destined for mediocrity, no demon or ghost would put any effort in discouraging us.

The Best treasures are always guarded by the wickedest of beasts.

I found a MAMMA MIA CD in my bag from cleaning...I'm going to play it and dance...

HONAY HONAY HOONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I hate birthdays etc.

2010-08-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

So this morning I was walking to work ( Second job that i wont quit...because it is only 4 hours a week helping my mother out at her tourism kiosk), I stopped on the way there to look at a Totem pole that has been haunting me lately. At the same time, as I often do when my mother comes to my mind ( which usually happens when to go walk to work for her), I was playing my recurring fantasy inmy head where I finaly tell her off and I word is so brilliantly that she stops in her tracks and realizes all her wrongs thenstarts on her journey to absolute bliss & Joy..

As I neared closer to her office at the Hotel....My spider sense started to tingle....

Oh shit....)

It was her birthday this past Sunday.

Ok I want to run away now...because I know with all my existance that behind those office doors is a woman who has locked herself in her room all weekend with the mantra " I'm so lonely, I have noone my life, Nobody cares about me...what horrible sons I have "(Because I know of my brother and me...i'm the only one who remembers to call people on their birthdays ....cept this time....but I deffinately can count on him not doing anything). Just stewing in self loathing until it became pure, concrete reality.

Human beings are superb creators...too bad a lot of that creation is useless self pity.

Ok...so I'm at the door...My first instinct of course is to Lie...because I couldnt say " I'm sorry"...I new it would lead to being screamed at with absolute vulgar and I have no patience for that shite anymore...so lying seemed the better option.

" I tried calling at 2:15 on sunday...YOU weren't there...did you go to Saltspring?"

( Yeah looking back on it, I'm an asshole...but at the moment I couldn't bare a rant about what a selfish awful brat I was.)

" I was home....alone...In my room ( knew it)...all day....waiting....no one called....I called your brother....he said he was busy....royce...nobody loves me...or even cares if i'm alive"

UUUGGGH

Then I just took the machine for receipts and left the room. It was rude yes, I just dont do these emotional interactions with people like this...atleast not the sad ones...My form of sad is different from a lot of other peoples...When I have sad days they are SAD DAYS. Very extreme melodramatic states of mind maybe at most a week of being pissed off....But then they pass when I delve into something new...I think my spaced out " SAD DAYS" are like my brain going " OK...TIME TO CHANGE IT UP AGAIN...GET INTO A NEW PROJECT, NEW OBSESSION, RE ENVENT YOURSELF AGAIN"....but I can't relate to the whole ONE SAD DAY AFTER ANOTHER AFTER ANOTHER AFTER ANOTHER for like 20 years...at what point do you just have enough and like.....er...TRY...to be happy?

But yeah...I am selfish....I am very selfish. I'm kind, appreciative in my own ways, very loyal, wish the best for everyone, honest...but still selfish.

I'm not a scrooge kind of selfish: MONAY MONAY MONAY , AT THE COST OF EVERYONE ELSE.

I'm more of a " I'm so completely transfixed and lost in my own world ....which I can barely handle to it's full capacity...so I most certainly can't bare responsibility for anyone elses world or " happiness" ontop of that".I'de make an awful father or pet owner at this point in life...I was drawing a woman today in the most gorgeous outfit...with full attention...to devide that attention would make that outfit slightly less gorgeous.

To be honest...On sunday...I woke up at 9 am...packed 2 suitcases...then at one I went to go get the keys for the New apartment...Then I worked till Midnight...then on MOnday...i remember sitting in the Temple of do do do drawing a dazzling victorian lady with a sword...completely absorbed. When i'm drawing or creating a person...it doesn't make me HAPPY...or SAD....or any emotion...but during " DO" mode...I just feel REAL....so that's all art does to me...it just makes me feel REAL...which I guess is a lot. I can still be angry and frusterated by it , But the emotions that come from it feel very organic like you could buy it in a biodegradable bag with a USDA ORGANIC stamp: 100 % RAW RAW RAW...

My Mother called me while I was drawing ( I was still completley unaware that it was her birthday the following day) ...Now...I know when she calls it won't be a joyful call... it's going to be definatley a drama of some sort . So I looked on the call display and didn't pick up...Ok...And i'll explain. Human dramas...family dramas. Any little social dramas befitting any sitcom or soap opera...they NEVER EVER feel real to me. I loathe them. I always feel like I'm supposed to be acting out a part in a play....and I am A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE ACTOR...I hated drama class...and I most certainly hate social drama. Where I love drama is in TV shows or movies where it's spawned from a collaboration of artists from the moments when they were feeling " REAL". Drama WORKS there...it tells a mythology. It's a tool to tell great stories that IF DONE RIGHT, can leave the person INSPIRED to create themselves...HUMAN BEINGS aren't meant to REENACT mythology and live out their tv shows and movies...they are meant to CREATE them for the SOLE PURPOSE of inspiring others to create. WHY DO THEY need to be created?
Why do more children need to be created? they don't...but they will be because someone had a desire to be a great parent.

SO YEAH.... I HATE BIRTHDAYS. I truely think they are retarded. In my experience it's always been an excuse for family or friends to feel lonely and unloved...guilt for anyone who stands in their way. CAN HAVE AMAZING time with mother in a rare moment one day where we enjoy eachothers company....BUT IF IT'S NOT ON THAT ONE SPECIFIC DATE OF THE YEAR...AND FORCED RIGHT OUT OF YOU THEN BEWARE THE WRATH OF TV SITCOM LAND! The land of the gods OF UNREAALITY.

WE are the ones that decide how our day is. Many days I am overcome by doubt and decide my day will be shit. The decision to be happy is by no means easy, but when I decide my day is shit, I know 100 percent that it is MY choice. You won't see me calling up random friends " TODAY I FEEL LIKE SHIT...BECAUSE...OF...YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

" I'M SAD TODAY BECAUSE...NOO OOOOONE.....LOOOOOOOOOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

JUST...shut up.

I feel like when i'm having a bad day, it's always because I know I didn't live upto the task I had in mindwhen waking up to the day in the morning...but never ever because of someone else. ( Though maybe this rage blog counts as me being angry BECAUSE of my mother? hmm but I don't feel angry at the moment, just VEEEEENTAGIOUSS)

Take responsibility for your happy days and shitty days, and lonely days. The worlds not out to get anyone, I'm sure it cares about you with the same amount of passion as you care about the skinmite making home on your pinky finger.... but there are forces far bigger than the world that do care...and everytime you play your role in the soap opera...they care a little bit less.

Hmmm maybe I am a jerk. I'm writing a blog post angry at my mother for me forgetting her birthday. So I'm turning it around in my head to create the reality that she's the one at fault here, not I. If I were to see myself as a vile person...then I wouldn't be as productive. So I must put that label on someone else ....the ultimate sick counter attack.

Ok...I'll put down my mental defense today then...Ok...I'm rotten , I forgot my moms birthday...but i'll only wear that label until i'm done writing this blog...then i'll shed from it immediately so I can get something done today.

Mothers not evil, I love her in a different way.

Apples don't fall far, darling dear dear.

I'm just an apple who is desperately trying to become a hefty tree....grow legs...and walk a long long ways ...perhaps take up canoeing.

oh my

2010-08-24T12:03:00.002-07:00

LISTEEEEEEN!

moving is harder than I thought.

Last week : " Oh I should be all moved out by sunday"

every day there is MOOOOOORE. haha going back tonight to move more.

Should be FULLY moved in by thursdaaaay or furiiiday haha. weoo weoooo.

not even taking much with me...the cleaning part and throwing out stuff taking ost of time.

WEOO WEOO WEOOO.

Not much more to blog today. Off to WOORRRK now...only two more weeeeeeks of thaaaaaat.
damn that 2 weeks notice thing...should just storm off dramaticaly instead to make it immediate...but need the hoard the last scraps of monaaay

updaaated honaay

2010-08-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

DID IT.

Quit My job today.

2 more weeks till I work full time at ROYCE INC.

I am Royce Jackson Barrow Edvardsen , Proffesional Mythmaker for hire.

Will no longer slave away for comfort and security.

Will only slave away for Joy, Misery, True happy, and True Torment. REAL. RAW. EMOTIONS from a life of survival that a mindless job numbs right out of you.

NO MORE TALK TALK TALK, Only room left for SLUTTY DRIPPING DEVOTED COSMIC ACTION! PURE SLAVE TO THE MUSE!

haha Anyway...How do I feel now That I live in my dream apartment and enrolled in that old school of hardknocks everyone always talks about? Now that I've vowed never to take on a job that doesn't service what i'm built and made for? ( Storytelling, drawing, the art and design of creating worlds and spicing up ours)...Well...I feel Nothing at moment...I guess I don't really trust myself... My whole life I've been all talk no action...I feel like i've taken the action now...but there is that voice in the back of my head that's saying " You're not going to go through with it...that' why you feel no different ...cause you KNOW you'll go right back to it and tart printing out those resumes the moment it gets tough again"

Not this time...this time is different. There is no one more important than this, especialy myself. Noone more important than me sitting down and doing what i'm made to do. Not me, not family, not anyone else can take me away from this.

I really have to trust the gods here. Not to guide me or make things work for me while i take a vacation from consumerism...but to keep me breathing while i sit in the temple of doo doo doo all day and just OUTPUT OUTPUT OUTPUT until Im dead and old.

This next stage is going to be the hardest I'll ever have worked , because i'll be working all day. every night, DRAWING DRAWING DRAWING. WRITING WRITING WRITING. I'm sure some days i'll be starving , if I didn't get creative job that month to help with food....but i'll still have my pencils, I'll still have my resistance bands....One thing I vow never to lose is the temple though. I WILL have my rent EVERY SINGLE MONTH, BY ANY MEANS. I WILL. GET IT.

This is my dream apartment.

Last night as the first night we were all together in it. Maria, my two friends Takehiro and Willow and myself.

Last night It hit me that all of my friends where either witches, psychics or sensitives. It was A REALLY fascinating and NEW to me experience. Maria's decour is out of this world. The apartment looks like a Witch doctors hut. I COULD NOT DIG IT MORE. Everythign she owns has a story. It was astonishing to watch her climb up ontop of everything and up the shafts and windows and ledges with her bar of sage and sniffing out the past traumas of the apartment. The sage told me I have a lot of holes in me. I wont argue, I'm a bloody mess in the head at the moment, Im running on auto pilot, but it's making the right decisions for me.

Having just left everything , I had Takehiro do a Tarot reading for me. Reading says it all looks good, but if family finds out...huge anger. But Oh well...Then I used another form of fortune telling and asked it too...I was very selfish in wanting to know my future last night ha ha... I-CHING SAYS i MOVE my mouth too much and the outcome will only be a great success if i close the mouth and get to work.

Maria made a delicious cheesecake ( update: forgot this was the PCP blog....let's pretend that said delicious chicken and broccoli platter) . Then we all stuck our heads out the window and watched people stumble out of the gaybar below us , across the street from the comic book store....which was warming our floor. Takehiro seranaded us with Opera as he naturaly does. haha

I'm still at my old place, Still in the midst of packing...I'll be fully moved in by wednesday night. I'm going to temple tonight to work and draw for a bit though, after a few hours of packing.

TO NEW EVERYTHING. You're all looking daaaaaandy by the way.

LEKS DO ICK BABIES

2010-08-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

OH GOD, i'm GUNNA DO IT. Going to give two weeks notice TOMMOROW.

If it's a matter of survival, I'm going to find enough art jobs to survive...plain and simple.
I will have no choice.

I've made a list of the things I need:

Jump Rope
Resistance band
Pencils
watercolour paper ( largest expense next to paint)
paint ( which lasts a month or two )
got brushs
India Ink
New Pen nibs when they break
food: I spend like 600 plus dollars on food a month and off pcp it is WAY MORE and way more frequently shit that I do not need. Food is going to be the hardest sacrifice of all. A warriors life is gruelling and tough though. I will have to focus on the essentials ONLY. Eggs....maybe rice instead of quinoa...LE SIGH....lettuce...probably won't be able to afford meat anymore unless it's on sale. Hopefully in the near or distant future all the work I put into creation will pay off in the end ( or maybe it won't , but it'll still be a blast having a book done before i'm 25 while everyone else my age just has the next saturday night of getting drunk to look forward to) and i'll be able to get really fat or bulked. I need to get food down to 200 a month.
I'll buy a new thrift store shirt every now and then when the previous one falls off my back. Still have to find a way to look gorgeous though.
ONLY A MAXIMUM OF 2-3 COMIC BOOKS A MONTH!!!!!
If i NEED to buy a book, go to RUSSELS USED....oh hell...i do that anyway...their store is the best.
Rent is 480 a month including utilities.
800 dollars a month.
um...so...I only shower with water anyway and refuse to use products...I'm a firm beleiver that with proper diet your skin will look great, you just need the willpower to stick to it ( my will power is...flexible at best...but i guess i'll have no choice now. I do NOT have it in me to eat cheap food just because i'll be on a budget...By cheap I mean 1 dollar bags of white pasta and shit...I'll still go for the brown rice atleast. I want to feel amazing. My roommate is a tool. He has like 25 different skin products he MUST use every morning.

My roommate ( until I move in with Maria) really inspires me to do this. I remember when I first moved in and on the window sill where his ROWS UPON ROWS OF DVD's...and I was like " OH this place cold look nice if we had a plant or two." " NOPE NOPE. WE NEED TO OPEN THE WINDOW IF WE HAD A PLANT, if the window was open people would see the flatscreen and they would STEAL IT, NOPE NOPE, plants wont do". So we keep the blinds shut so noone would see his fucking tv. Before I moved into the place he did not bring up his current job as a skin care customer service at the makeup department at the mall...he introduced himself to me as AN ACTOR. Talked about Acting, why he loves it, his future plans for acting. HE was an ACTOR. I remember 5 years ago when we were both on the set of X-MEN 3 and he was really into acting then...still...OBNOXIOUS BEYOND BELEIF....but he would go on and on about acting to us. His next Gig , How he was auditioning for some crime drama and really wanted it. I do not act...I only dragged myself down to the audition and made sure they picked me...simply because I WOULD DIE ON THE SPOT if I didn't get to be in a motherfucking x-men movie shooting in the town. Luckily ( or very unluckily) they though I looked like a mutant or something and picked me haha. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU ROYCE...BACK TO ROOMMATE...Oh yes so I remember that talk me and him had 4 months or something ago...( we've only had one or two since i've moved in...I blame his obnoxiousness and the fact that he's using a gigantic dildo of his as a paperweight for the BOOK I LENT HIM....I CAN SEE INTO YOUR ROOM DEAR WHEN THE DOOR IS CRACKED OPEN!) We were arguing about plants again and I think I called him a robot.

" ROYCE...there is something you need to know....when you turn 30...you realize you can't chase your dreams anymore...If you want that house, that car, the big screen you need to put your all into the job you have NOW. I'll be the BEST pharmaceutical representative there IS! I NEED TO BE...becausewhat I want wont happen unless I am."

Then Royce/I fainted. I couldn't comprehend what he was saying...or how anyone could think like that. YOU DIDN'T FAIL AT ACTING BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BECOME BRUCE WILLIS. You failed because YOU STOPPED TRYING. " But noone hires an asian actor here for the parts I want" OH SHUT UP...SHUT UP...of course there are LIMITATIONS in the acting world...very unfair ones...BUT ALWAYS PRESENT ONES. IF YOU ARE AN ACTOR, ACT. On stage, everywhere, all the time. The best actors I know ( seriously every second person I meet is an actor) Act all the time, never a break between the next play. I'm not going to stop drawing because MARVEL OR DC wont hire me. That's retarded. Why would you stop acting because hollywood doesn't want you right now?

I Look at the face and eyes of a youthful me.
I see presence, I see Ideas...ACTUAL JOY for life.

Please ignore the defacing of this photo...it's from a phase in my life where I was possesed by an evil Goat demon from the 5th dimension....his name was Cornelius....MOVING ON...

When I look into my eyes now I see that lost look...They droop more...and not an aged droop...but a sad droop. The blank droop my mother has now...or the fat lady in the meat department whose eyes lazily sigh " I hate my goddamn life"...The same look my roommate has now too...

850 dollars a month...

that's all I need...

If I have to be on the street SCETCHING terrible caricuatures between art jobs...then I GUESS THAT IS WHAT I'LL HAVE TO DO...

TO LIFE...

ACTUAL LIFE!!

TO LIVING AND BREATHING AND LOVING AND MASTICATING YOUR PASSION BECAUSE IT IS ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS DAMN WORLD!!!!!!!

now....to walk the walk and quit the talk....

TOMMOROW!!

Yelp Yelp

2010-08-21T23:59:00.000-07:00

God...Lazy packer.

Packing going slowly...much bigger job then I thought it would be.

Think i'll be fully moved in wednesday or Tuesday....was hoping TO BE IN by tommorow night, OH WELL.

So this voice in my head is getting a lot louder recently.

the one that tells me not only to quit my job but to stop working entirely and focus COMPLETELY 100 PERCENT on ART and art jobs.

the thing IS, i KNOW i could survive like this. ALL i would need is 2 or one big art job a month.

It's just...the scariest thing in the world, you know?

cause WHAT IF?

WHAT IF I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

WHAT IF I DON'T FIND A JOB ONE MONTH AND I LOSE MY PERFECT APARTMENT?

WHAT IF I BREAK MY PENCIL?

ETC ETC ETC.

people keep saying " WELL, just keep the Market job until your secure enough to do the art full time" but i know in my heart that every moment i spend not drawing is a great moment missed.

At work today I snuck behind some crates and started drawing little doodles for my secret art job.

I got really into it....mostly when I got to draw the shoes...that really peaks my soul up.
Then I looked at clock and remembered, 6 MORE HOURS OF MAKING GROCERY STORE SHELVES LOOK PERFECT.

Even If i had a great job at a book store or something, it's still time not drawing.

I have only two worries...Losing the TEMPLE OF DO DO DO...which is my dream home...which i plan to live at for a very long time...and art supplies.

the human being can survive off of little food...so i guess that is only a small set back for being able to create all day.

My family will look down at me....they are hard workers...but I think my Mother has always resented me because I don't acknowledge her as hard working....well to be honest...i KNOW she works hard , but i don't really acknowledge it or give her the props for it like she wants me to because i know her biggest fear is being happy. I'de love to see her just drop it all and just do the things she always talks about doing. I just never felt it neccesary to congradulate her for hating her life but trying really hard to maintain hating her life. Especialy when I have lived to see her when she loved what she was doing.

I can't be one of those people.

I was made to create and draw, tell stories.

IT'S SO HARD TO JUST JUMP OFF THE GRID though and actually DO THAT, or have the confidence to say YEAH I CAN DO THIS FOR A LIVING

Please someone tell me it is not the stupidest idea ever, haha.

God, I keep making blog posts about this same topic.
must stop being scared, JUMP BOY JUMP

Yogurt Magick

2010-08-19T23:54:00.000-07:00

Er...can't find picture that is relevant to this....so...OLD IS NEW AGAIN!

Starting job at ROYCE,INC. tommorow and moving into head office at TEMPLE OF DO DO DO sunday at midnight.

Made magic spell before work today to " get free food". Worked again, dairy guy gave me two large cartons of organic yogurt that expired yesterday, and free blackberries.

On the third floor I drew 2 wicked pictures of Batman and one horrendous picture of Wonderwoman.

Excited for new job tommorow, I wonder what shoes i'll wear for work....hmm...probably the red ones cause they are the only pair I own.

waiting till 2 am to check bank account to see paycheck. Hoping it's over 1200 dollars so I can eat these next two weeks. If not, will just have to rely on Magic.
I hear Royce, Inc pays wickedly well if you put in the hours...So TO GREAT FOOD, ABNORMAL HEALTH, AND UNCANNY ADVENTURES.

CHEERS.

Spooky elegancy

2010-08-19T04:32:00.001-07:00

Can't sleep tonight really.

Put on jacket and walked into Downtown to look up at my New apartment ( longest 3 days of my life, can't wait till sunday)

The comic book store must think i'm this creepy loiterer, cause I go there during the day to and stand up and look at it.

Tonight it was kind of creepy.

Victoria is a very odd city.
It's like a city where dreams die. In essence, it defines haunted. It has all the right elements to inspire the greatest artists and writers of our time. The archecture and heritage in this small city is astonishing. Character buildings every step of the way. This is a city built to inspire...but it seems to have a pact with the devil " I'll capture the artists, Inspire them, make them want to create the next masterpieces of the world...fatten them up...and YOU Have free REIGN TO TEAR THEM DOWN AND TEAR THEM DOWN HARD" ...saddly the devil...or the peoples inner voice of excuse and resistance( war on art, thank you Deborah) is so amplified here. Over half the city,it seems, is a crack head or heroine junky. Just walking home today I saw two people jabbing needles into their legs behind a dumpster. There is even a whole penthouse everyone calls CRACK TOWERS...which is the STRANGEST building you'll ever go inside, the hallways and lobby is lit with blue light so they can't see their blue veins and shoot up all over the place.

Victoria is a place designed to create masters...this is not a hum drum robot town .....so I wonder why it churns out robot people....and so MANY walking human zombies of failure.

Hmm just takes the right sort of person I guess.

Anyway my apartment is beautiful ....though it was creepy tonight because a guy just fell off the roof of the building accross the street and landed on the sidewalk infront of my building and died. So it had that very creepy " someone just died here" vibe tonight. The streets were bare except me and a guy asking me for change.

I felt a lot of happy things looking up at my apartment...It feels like it was always supposed to be my apartment and I just had to wait till now to finaly go back home.

I have such amazing ideas for it too haha. It's such a small space so today I drew up the stages it will go through during the day.

I'm calling the apartment THE TEMPLE OF DO.

haha

just DO it, no excuse, HEALTH, ART, FUCKING DO IT.

Morning: fold up beds , pull back room divider curtain , apartment is now an excercise room. We'll put in our hour of hard excercise to begin the day.

later in morning : go to large closet, i'll pull out my drafting table and art supplies and maria will pull out her sewing table (s) and garments and our apartment is now an art studio.

We will work on art all day in our temple studio and stop only when we feel we have put in sufficient amount of hours to have made the creative kill for the day.

Thank the universal powers of creation, clean up, put drawings tables and sewings tables away.

Evening : Pull out all our pillows and candles and place is now a place of Spiritual growth. Where we will spend our nights in meditation, magical studies , or storytelling ( we wont have tv or anything so.. storytelling fun replacement). CITY EXPLORING TOO.But evenings, the TEMPLE OF DO is our spiritual cathedral.

Bedtime: put away candles and such , fold out beds , slide curtain divider to divide room and sleep! been good day.

haha I showed TEMPLE OF DO schedule to Maria and she was like " AWESOME...but ...you forgot to add that whole " work" thing into our daily schedule."

haha shite. Guess I'll have to quit all forms of work then, doesn't fit into my schedule. The Temple would get furious.

Realisticaly speaking, All I would need to MORE than survive but do pretty well on is just TWO illustration jobs a month. Which would still take every ounce of my day working on....but atleast i'de be spending every day drawing or painting and being compensated for that....rather than being compensated for 8 hours of stocking shelves.

Hmmm today i got an e-mail from someone in highschool who I did'nt know was on my facebook and it said " HEY FAG, STOP POSTING YOUR GAY FUCKING UPDATES ON THE INTERNET, IT'S DISGUSTING, HAVE A NICE LIFE"

Hmm poor Evan was always a non entity in highschool. I went to boarding school so it was more tribal. You had to shine in your area for the tribe to work. The athletes did their things, the artists did theirs. I was fine art captain of Lakes House ( our mascot was a large griffin carved in wood outside of the house )....incharge of such shite as snowsculpture contests with the other competing houses while the athletic folk got to compete in the BIG contests with them. End of year the winning house gets a cup...Oh yes...SO i feel like being not even needed in your tribe whatsoever makes you grow up feeling rather spiteful to the outside world.

I'm lucky in the fact that i've never had any " hate crime" related shite ever directed my way. So it's always allowed me to be more or less free in that regards with how I act in the world. I never feel like if i'm over the top that i'm offending someone...or if i am...i never put thought into it.

I don't know why such a random message from some sloppy tart would make me feel anything at all...I guess...never having got any sort of reaction like that in my life...I never really had to think about it. Other people die all over the world for far less than what I do or say and i'm practicaly a hermit.

Nothing is more revolting.

What gets me really angry is that WHen I DONT create, I may take it out on junk food or watch tv shows and go towards other vices, sabotging myself...but only myself...when other people don't create or have any ceative output at all...SOME people don't take it out on themselves but instead ....spend their energy on an actual real wish that another human being they know should DIE or BE eliminated based on some retarded sexuality labeling.

In boarding schol you have to live with 50 other guys in some house , tolerating or welcoming eachother for 4 years. You become like a larger family where everyone can talk to one another and appreciate one another. I remember always drawing in my room while my roommate Oscar played his computer games, And this kid, a year or two below me in grades would come in and go like " awesome picture man!" or we would work together cheering our house on in some event or compitition....THEN 5 years later Get a random little e-mail to shut my FAG ASS UP!

so easily boxed in bullshit.

I relate to gay men as much as I relate to straight men or insect men. The whole idea of picking a team is incredibly modern. If I had to pick a team it would be" writer" ....though I draw...I read a lot of writers books on writing and I always relate to how they describe their thought process...Though i'm sure it is the same as the visual artists...they describe it so much better in words...I've written more this year than I've seen another mans penis.....so I assume writer is A fitting label.

What about those people who like sex like I like art? if THAt is their talent or output.The idea of targeting a group is completely horrendously retarded.

It's really all very simple and not worth a second thought : When a see a sexy woman I feel empowered, when I see a sexy man I feel aroused in all senses ( hopefuly you have enough physical maturity to not literaly be aroused in all senses everytime you see someone SEXAAAY). I ASSUME this sums it up for others as well.

I'm no better though, The e-mail came at the perfect time. I had just put a garbage bag down from moving junk and called my friend willow, we logged onto facebook together and somehow got to talking about all the people we hate from the islands and where they were now. So We just surfed through photos " OH I hate him" " Oh he's gotten horrendously fat, i've always hated him, simply retarded"

Then I get that e-mail out of nowhere.

Both MY dedicated hour of hate, and this former housemate of mine had ONE very important thing in common. WE WERE NOT DOING WHAT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING AT THAT MOMENT.

What we were supposed to be doing was creating. Feeding our inner child.
An inner child well fed leads to the outer body not spending anytime whatsoever critiquing or hating others.

SO always always always do!
Or one day the DONT will control you and You MAY find yourself hating someone or a group of someones with as much passion as your inner child once ( and still does have, but just more and more burried under the hate now) had when it was CALLING YOU AS HARD AS IT COULD TO BLOODY ACT ON IT. NOW. NOW. NOW.

Anyway that was another bullshit rant.

3 days till TEMPLE OF DO

DO

DO

oooh GOODIE

2010-08-18T00:28:00.000-07:00

My dear fellow PCPers, how wonderful you all are.

AHHH OK, GOT APARTMENT. It feels like Christmas now.

Brain is sleepy, long day, typo's galore tonight.

Now for the unfun part: 3-4 days OF PURE PACKING AND MOVING.

yes...of course i haven't even begun packing in any sense whatsoever. I am Royce , OF COURSE.
King of THE LAST MINUTE.

Won't have internets in new place for a week or two or three or one? I dunno? I don't know how getting it works, maybe it'll be faster than I think.

Anyway, I'll make sure to go to the Library / scanner office to read all your lovely blogs and update mine with lovely words.

EVERYTHING IS CHANGING.

I still can not beleive I have the apartment my inner child would kill for.

It's super small, but it's perfect.

This year really has been changed by the internet haha.

I would never have done this if i never googled ZAZEN and found patricks Youtube. I'll be living off patricks advice from this and ripple for years to come.

I would never have the apartment of my dreams if i never made a craigslist ad 3 month ago looking for witches and magicians in Victoria area...then finding Maria who made it all possible.

Also I'de like to thank Grant Morrison, my favorite authour, who taught me with his words in books how to make Magic happen.

He talks about Sigils. How if you say what you want in the universe : I WANT AN APARTMENT THAT WILL BRING OUT THE BEST IN ME.

take out the vowels and repeating letters, then turn the remaining letters into a symbol keep scrambling it and simplifying it until it looks simple like a witches language, a very simple symbol.

er....then you have to masterbate to it.

well...not neccessarily...or meditate to it?

But you need to have that moment when your brain is NOTHING but calm waters, sos the sigil can sink calmly into your subconcious/ the universe/ the womb/ the beggining of things that will happen. Sigils are seeds to manipulate the comings of your future.

So to best get that clear pond mind, orgasm with only the symbol in your head, meditate for hours with only the symbol, or scare yourself shitless with only the symbol in your head.

Grant morrison says it ALWAYS works if it is in the realm of the possible.

i've only tried it twice.

First time WAS When i wanted a date with this fashion model that had nothing in common with me but I thought he was rather pretty...sigil didn't make that one come true.

BUT i'm not dead yet.

second time was with finding apartment that will bring out best in me...

find it strange that a week later , after seeing many shitty apartments I end up in my DREAM apartment above the store that helped decide what i'm going to do with the REST OF MY LIFE.

what more defines " brings out the best in you" than that??

Sigils totally work...now for that supermodel.

Funny story....that guy from 3 days WAS totally scamming us with that last apartment. Landlord today was like" BEFORE YOU DECIDE ON THAT CORNER APARTMENT, IDE LIKE YOU TO SEE ANOTHER ONE WE'VE HAD AVAILABLE" and TAKES US TO THE APARTMENT THAT GUY WAS TRYING TO SUBLET US.

baahahaha

no way would i take that SHITHOLE.

god, he probably ended his lease then before leaving town he wanted to find two idiots who would pay him a deposit, so he can leave town for good. and then leave them with no apartment.

I'll check all your blogs LATER IN WEEK. Don't abandon this website EITHER at day 90, TEAM SEXAY! cause imma gonna be posting sexaaaay pictures when I get my personal internet up mid septemby. SO YOU GOTTA STAY TUNED FOR THAT!!!!

LATER darlings. EVERYONE IS LOOKING GREAT

UPDATE: god, reading all my blog posts fromt he last week is rather embarassing, they seem to have the humour and spellig of a 2 year old. OH WELL....ok maybe it goes back a little more than just this and last week.

UPDATE 2: interesting side effect to securing new apartment.
Suddenly strong desire to eat fishes and salads only.

Desire to binge on worlds worst foods has suddenly completely vanished, replaced with late night craving to eat entire family of salmon.

HAHA YES!

2010-08-16T22:10:00.001-07:00

If you are a fan of Ray Bradbury/science fiction/nonsense internet videos then watch this very NSFW little tune.
LOVE LOVE LOVE, A PLUS PLUS PLUS

not. for.childrens. eyes

nervousness

2010-08-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

BAAAH RAGE!!

just want everything signed this week so I don't have to stress and can just worry about moving.

Have to finaly meet with landlords tommorow to sign lease and reference garbage.

I think I have bad credit due to student loans and always having 5 dollars or less/ or negative on my bank account...due to...rent and food.

I just hope it all goes well.

mind is a frantic slurry.

we are meeting with the " bad cop" landlord tommorow.

hate that they are telling us the apartment is ours, but have appointment to show it to 2 other people at 4 pm tommorow. cause they have the right to show until they get deposit.

makes me SO NERVOUS.

I will simply DIE in my spot if something goes wrong.

If my blog is never updated after this post it is because i melted into the sidewalk due to my stream of acid alien tears.

JUST want it SIGNED ALREADY , SEALED, AND MINE

Gnome is where the heart is.

2010-08-15T17:59:00.000-07:00

Yeah, you see that there balcony window...right above the comic store... yeah that's my living room WINDOW NOW!

Today I was doodling on the notepad at work ( A rather shodder wonderwoman) and a very eccentric french lady came up to me " YOU DRAWING ME!? OH HO, I WISH I WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. REACH FOR THE SKY ROYCE! REACH FOR THE SKY!" she was wearign all pink, was very loud and in your face but had this amazing energy about her. We talked about art, then she said she was an artist, makes fantasy post cards featuring gnomes. Then she HIgh fived me in the name of art and gave me one of her post cards DEMANDING I keep in touch. The post card was of a little gnome and on the back is said:

Gnome is where the heart is.

LOVE it. haha

SO last week I was about to off myself ( No endorphines can match my dramatics) living in my worst week ever...This week ...though it's been my personal most dissapointing PCP week...has been a pretty fucking amazing week.

1 week ago me and maria made magic to " Bring us our fantasy apartment" and tommorow we go in to sign the lease on our ( atleast my) fantasy apartment.

THE CORNER APARTMENT ABOVE MY CHILDHOOD COMIC STORE THAT GOT ME INTO COMICS/DRAWING/ART those many years AGO. I can't imagine a more suiting place for this time in my life.

Also secret art projects this month too...which will be astonishing to work on, looking out the balcony on the view from that corner window, smelling the superheroes below me.

Life is beautiful.

Living there, in the heart of the city is really going to cause a lot of adventure this year, just be default of living there. That corner where we will be living is a fork in the road going three ways to three different corners. One is a Yoga studio in one corner, the other corner is the comic shop, with 2 comic shops attached to that one, and the other corner meeting those two is the cities Gay Bar.

It's like a metaphorical corner of the BRAIN OF ROYCE.

It's as if i'm a character in a novel and the writer has put a lot of work making the metaphors subtle yet obvious if you know the character and study the book.

It hasn't all hit me yet. The moment I move my first box of magazines into the place, I think i'll collapse with over excitement.

APARTMENT UPDATE ROUND 2

2010-08-15T01:09:00.000-07:00

ahhh!!!!

MaRIA my future roommate in 10 days phoned the building manager of comic book store apartment. AHHH!

ok two nights ago when we were waiting for the pilot guy to let us in to see the place at 2 am...we looked up above the cover store at the corner apartment, RIGHT above it and went " OK...that IS our place...you know it, i know it, THAT is our home" then we waited and when scetchy pilot guy came he took us up, but his apartment was in the middle of the complex, not directly above comic store....above it...but not DIR-RECT-LY, and the view was of the other side. But I still thought my mind would settle for this cause surely i ust said " THIS IS OUR HOME"...so I MUST Have meant this place....

anyway....so Maria called the building...not the pilot guy...they said he was selling his apartment as a one bedroom when it was clearly a studio...and they had ONE apartment available if we wanted to see it....

IT'S THE APARTMENT AT THE VERY CORNER, DIRECTLY ABOVE MY CHILDHOOD COMIC STORE!! WHAT ARE THE CHANCES!!!!!!!????

Maria has a meeting with them tommorow at 12, it kills me that I can't be there due to ....grocery store work until 6.

SENDING A MILLION SUPERMAN RAYS OF SUNSHINE HER WAY TOMMOROW.

THAT apartment IS ours....and....legally tooo...if we get it.

PRIMAL RAGE!

2010-08-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Just browsing things and remembered a very lovely VID EE OH game from my youth: PRIMAL RAGE!!!!

You played as these gods fighting eachother for ultimate rule of earths future PLANET URTH!

And each God had followers and during the gameplay you had to eat the other gods followers to gain health. You also could toss them around on your giant dinosaur tails and play human volleyball.

They just don't make em like they used to.

LE. SIGH

2010-08-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

Bye Bye dream home.

Today I think me and Maria were going to say yes to the comic book store guy despite everyones helpful encouragement in the opposite direction.

The location and being a guy who wants to make comics....living above not one...but THREE different comic stores and a nightclub....just a hands down WIN....

but we wanted to feel more secure so Maria Called and said we can't sign anything until there is a legal agreement and we wont do post dated checks...Online money transfers would be better...

And he is like "No man...the building company can't know about this...and yeah you can do online transfers...but i want post dated checks incase you don't pay and i'm off on pilot business"...

so he can take our online transfer and then cash our post dated check?

HELL NO....

IT PAINS ME.

RIPS APART MY INSIDES TO SAY NO TO SUCH A BEAUTY OF A PLACE.

BUT IT HAS to be done.

The other option is a gorgeous place...but its in such a BORING little area of the city. I mean its still a ten minute walk from downtown, but I dunno...waking up in the morning and walking outside to see concrete and dull as the first site you see is a big deal to me...no matter how great the apartment is.

I'de rather a great dull box in the center of the city than a mansion with a sidewalk view on the city outskirts.

haha shite, 16 more days till september 1st and back to square one.

GOD, what if this guy can be trusted though?

what if he would honnestly use our post dated checks honestly haha...

hmm, you'de figure if he was honest he'd be willing to compromise a bit....and he keeps going " DECIDE NOW, or someone else gets it"

OH GOD, goodbye dream land ontop of comic book store, I was so willing to live under the scetchy rule of the scetchiest landlord for you....But his scetchiness has now reached the uncompromisable level...I love you from a far dear dear dear apartment above the gods.

UPDATE: MY GUT says take this fucking apartment

HELP!

2010-08-13T02:37:00.000-07:00

possible new APARTMENT

OK, so Maria and Takehiro(My new roomie and my own devine Diva opera singer extraordinaire) came into my work today and Maria is like " ROYCE I GOT A HOLD OF THE GUY WHO LIVES ABOVE THE COMIC STORE, WE CAN SEE HIS PLACE AT MIDNIGHT!"

so we GO.

and oh god...it's in the PERFECT place,

PERFECT...

like i can't stress....right above comic store in the heart of the city.

the thing is. the apartment itself is very standard and blah, but it has a GREAT BALCONY outside, perfect for jumprope.

The guy is very ODD though. He says he needs it subletting IMMEDIATELY because he is a commercial pilot and he is going off cross country to be a proffesional pilot. He seemed like he was on some sort of drug, deffinately stoned. Which ok...sure....be stoned...but don't PILOTS require drug tests ALL THE TIME? and thus can NEVER ever be stoned? Thus is lying?
He may have just been odd though.

he didnt want his building to know he is subletting but is willing to make some sort of legal agreement that we can sublet...but without his building knowing? and he wanted post dated checques for the year.......

god...it all seemed VERY SCETCH.

and the apartment itself is very unimpressive....LOCATION PERFECT THOUGH...PERFECT...CAN NOT BE MORE PERFECT.

http://victoria.en.craigslist.ca/apa/1889962466.html is the second option...

apartment is ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL.
GORGEOUS APARTMENT, GORGEOUS LIGHTING...

downside is she showing it to every student in the city today and we are probably already to late cause we wanted to see the comic book apartment...althoguh the amazing looking apartment is in like the cities most boring uneventful area.

GO WITH SCETCH AND LIVE OUR LIFE IN A DREAM AREA ?

OR TRY TO GO FOR BORING AS CONCRETE AREA BUT A PRETTY KICKSS APARTMENT...BUT TO ACTUALLY BE ON A LEASE...BUT ME AND MARIA have pretty bad references...so the chance that theyll pick US is slim....though maria sare good...mine are bad cause i only ever sublet from people....thus is why they can kick me on the street whenever they want.

GOD ON A WHEEL. we have to decide tonight....SUCH A BLOODY HARD DECISION....I WOULD JUST DIE KNOWING I LIVED ABOVE COMIC STORE....

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

2010-08-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

In honour of " Find a new place to Live" month, I bought myself some bright as sin red shoes.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

It's Like CHRISTMAS ON MY TOES, DARLING!

2010-08-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

Naoko said... I want to go to Saltspring !!
I like islands. Would be nice to have a house there.

Well, Royce, I don't approve cheating.
You disappointed me : (
But I care about your well-being.

AHHHH, IF THIS DOESN'T SUDDENLY SNAP someone in their place, nothing will.

I WILL NOT DISSAPOINT YOU NAOKO!

I SWEAR IT!!

about to go check out possible new apartment.....

5 seconds from the water...and...

right....
above......
THREE COMIC STORES

OMG

OMG

OMG

RIGHT ABOVE THREE COMIC STORES.

RIGHT ABOVE!!

imagining a dissapointed Naoko face and fearing my reality crumble.

cookies aren't worth it.

UPDATE: turns out this one wasnt the one above comic store, thats another one, calling back that one immediatly.

I WANT TO LIVE ABOVE THE GODS!!!

hmm. I did like this one i saw today...it was cuuute...the building was too new though. but the apartment itself was very cute. It had a shower like...in the living room...I thought that was awesome.

showers in bathrooms are very 90's.

Cons: they are showing that apartment to like 500 people today.
My references are kind of shite.

WEOO WEOO WEOOOOOOO, 15 more days till homelessness or living above comic store or SHOWER in living room

saltyspring island

2010-08-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

Spent the day on saltspring, visiting my little brother , his new baby and his lady and her family.

Yeah, we island born, we make children A.S.A.P!...unless you're withdrawn hermit creature like myself.

God, he is staying in a beautiful home overlooking the water...they have a cow and a calf in their lawn.

I am jealoous. Behind their house is a berry garden, a chicken pen....that lay eggs for them and a garden of leafy greens. GOD DAAAAAAmn...my dream.

Baby AmY is starting to smile now. Not at laughing stage yet though.
Looks like little old man still. Only seems to smile when naked though.

Then she cried in my face. rude.

I'm jealous of her future childhood. I cant stres just how beautiful their property is. On a hilltop farm overlooking the ocean and there is a little island about 15 minute swimming distance from the shore with a mermaid bust carved into a rock there. THAT will totally be her and her cousins haven growing up .

Another thing I love about Saltspring. You drive along the road and every 5 minutes there is an unguarded stand on the road: " FRESH ORGANIC VEGETABLES" ...and you just....take them.......and leave your money in a jar...and drive on by.

then you drive 5 more minutes and there is ANOTHER STAND, with doors on it. YOU OPEN IT " FRESH PIE"
YOU TAKE A GODDAMN PIE and leave your money in a jar and drive on by.

ROAD booths everywhere.

Saltsrping is cool, it' like the island I grew up on, only much larger, with a lot more people living there. Only it still feels very remote because all the trees and forestry is still intact.

did my excercises before I went to the island...all pepped up again.

went good until dinner. Had dinner at their beach house ....was a delicious pcp friendly dinner...

got in car , mother frowned and got sad again saying she hates her life/job.
Felt awkward.....ate everything in site.

Then I crawled into the backseat and cried at my continuous failing since friday.
It's like there is no off switch to this madness.

My pendulum swung and then it got stuck there in motion in the aisle of selfdestruction.

Well...I didn't really cry afterwards...I sat there blank faced and looked in the mirror at how fat my face is getting.

Then I played WORLD ENDS WITH YOU...which is extremely fun.

I think my internet goes away sometime this week. Until after move into new place.

Though i still have access to it twice a week...so I guess no difference. except my posts wont have little Jpeg images I find from GOOGLE IMAGE FIND.

Ok I'de liket to talk about my biggest pet peeve.... running into people You haven't seen in years.

God I hate catching up with people. haha

I'M such an evil person but it's true.

THEY always go " SO WHEN ARE YOU DOING SOMETHING WITH YOUR ART!?"

" oh you know...sooome daaaaaaay"

then they'll bring up how their aunt or uncle or neighbour is an artist who works for disney.

seriously every single person ever seems to have that obscure disney connection.

Then they'll tell me to go work for disney.

Then they'll tell me I should move to L.A. thats where all the art is, and I should have my own gallery.

And then I cry inside and walk off to probably DEVOUR THE ENTIRE WORLD, which i have become SO BLOODY GOOD AT!

I feel like a crack addict.

I'm kind of peeved yet very thankful that the phone call that set me into a mindless void of consumption last friday is based on Nothing.
My Grandmother telling me to fear the worst and prepare for the worst of news tommorow turns out to be based on absolutely not one call from any doctor and that was just her paranoia.

I stole groceries today darlings.
this grocery market near me has a SELF CHECK OUT COUNTER. GOD. ON A WHEEL. GENIUS!!!
so i got all these organic vegetables and i scaned them in as inorganic. How devious.
Amazing how ide put in 3 dollars into a jar on the road for handfulls of lettuce, rather than just take it...but I feel no guilt for price deducting my produce from giant store that also trusts customers at check out.

should of been honest I guess.

But saved 15 dolleys.

Is there a Shaman in the buildingÉ. Momma needs an excorcism.

2010-08-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

OK.

So I wake up.

DO mah workout. God Royce...BACK IN THE GAME...proud of you.

Feel my biceps...My how firm they have gotten.

Smirk with NEW FOUND PASSION as I write a list on my wall:

EAT REAL FOODS:
-CREATIVITY
-FUTURE IN COMICS
-GORGEOUS BODY
-CLEAR PRODUCTIVE MIND
-DRIVE.

EAT THE BAD SHIT
-LONELINESS
-HEADACHES
-BLOATING
-FAT BODY
-MIND FULL OF SEX AND PORN
-NO CREATIVE INTENT
-NO DRIVE

A HA, stick the two lists to My wall...have a delicious leafy green PCP breakfast.
Set out for the day. First step...RETURN THAT SHIT VIDEEO GAME I BOUGHT LAST NIGHT...went to counter and was like `LISSSTEEEEN, this game was just awful, can i trade it in with THE WORLD ENDS WITH YOU.

` sorry sir we don`t do trades for brand new games , but i can give you a 7 dollar credit for it.``

` LISTTEEEEEEEEEEN, i plAYED for 30 minutes and it sucked the entire 30 minutes....please daaarling`

` ok, because you are honest i`ll trade you the games`

GOOD START to the morning...

then BAM
...
I HAVE A BLUEBERRY.

A SINGLE GRAM OF NATURAL SUGAR HITS MY TONGUE.

A THOUGHT FLUTTERS INNOCENTLY INTO MY BRAINPARTS

` yOU KNOW, you should finish that awful food you bought during your sinful weekend spell...finish it all up AND then finish up your roommates food too...you don`t want to see THAT around the house later do you nowÉÉÉ`

Now looking back on the situation it is very easy to go `ROYCE, GOD, JUST DONT DO IT`

But in THAT moment, IN THAT FUCKING MOMENT that thought came prancing around my clear blue meadow...DON`T DO IT wasn`t an option.

I CONSUMED.

Now I sit here in a pile of blankets...looking up at my useless list on the wall. WHY...WHY...WHY WOULD I DO THIS TO MYSELFÉ

THERE IS NO BENEFIT.

I am bossessed by a FOUL evil spirit, not just a tricky one...but an OBESE ONE. A MORBEDELY OBESE STATE OF MIND.

i dont want to INDULGE...I WANT TO CONSUME EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!

THIS is a state of mind I am not familiar to. It`s like...since this weekend...something snapped...something inside me went inside out...a black hole was created that needed filling. ENDLESS vOID.

You see...I rather LIKE THE PCP menu...I have no issues with it. I have no desires to stray from it......yet....since friday night...this NEW mind frame sinks in now....this NEW desire i have never had before gave birth to itself just overnight AND IT IS HUNGRY FOR EVERYTHING.

i really dont know how to put it in its place. stop eating fruit altogether maybe...the sugar seems to be the trigger.

Just NOT doing it is very simple...until....the NEED comes back again...

Tommorow....i am going to be on a ferry...with my mother...for 2 hours....to go visit my neice....
Please....come ON ROYCE...SNAP OUT OF THIS...YOU ARE ROYCE JACKSON BARROW EDVARDSEN! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! YOU ARE NOT DOING HIM JUSTICE! YOU PUT SO MUCH INTO THIS PROJECT! 68 DAMN DAYS! EVERY SINGLE DAY AND YOU LET YOURSELF CRUMBLE NOW! JUST FUCKING PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.

last time my mother was like `royce you selfish brat, wont even eat with your family, god, your so selfish` in an unjoking manner...some people are writers, some people good at sports, my mother is a master of emotional destruction. I ignored her the last time I saw her and ate my lettuce. ` Well, you look exactly the same! this program isnt doing anything for you! just eat like everyone else!`

deep breath, ignore.

i don`t want to see her during this frame of mind I am currently in.

` I knew you`de come back, NOW YOUR GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH US AND EATING LIKE US!`

OH GOD, make this month go away ( not because its the last of pcp, but because in a month ill have a NEW PLACE, NEW FRAME OF MIND , NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING CRASH AND BURNING)

OH GOD on a WHEEEL.

I DON`T WANT TO BE THE FIRST PCP CONTENDER WHOSE FINAL PICTURE IS AN OBESE MAN!

PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, THERE IS NO EXCUSE!

what iF ONE OF THOSE THRIFT STORE ITEMS I GOT ON FRIDAY...the day of the fall....BELONGED TO A GIGANTIC OBESE MAN/WOMAN AND THEY DIED WITH IT!?

DAY 69 MINUS THREE.

2010-08-08T21:46:00.001-07:00

BACK IN ACTION.

Not for 20 days.

for- EVER

Like the Joker to Batman. Neither would exist without the other. Sometimes the Joker is absent for 20 issues. He always returns.

He always returns more vile and evil than the last time to better counteract how Batman has grown in strength since the last disasterous encounter between the two.
Our Joker never dies either, our inner " DeCEiVeR", always eternal.
Sometimes the DeCEiVeR is gone or diminished for 20/60/90 days. They will be back and don't be so naive to think they won't come back stronger than before to match your ever growing self. More WICKED! Make you do something you never thought you could ( Though our deceiver is very much " us", so the " make" you do something is very much a delusion, but it is a strong possessive mood non-the-less).

A fat, bored, unhealthy body is just a city over-run by bad cops and sinister villains. That's all it is. Introduce your hero into that city every day.

The hero comes in the form of excercise, action, healthy habits. When the hero is in charge, in those moments, make sure they 100 percent beleive they can win the war on crime. When the DeCEiVeRs and villains are locked up for the day in their asylums or their prisons, and your hero is back in his/her cave to await and prepare for the next evil to enshroud the city in darkness; step out of it all and look back at it for what it is:

A serial story.

A serial story that never ends until the creator dies. Until YOU die...unless you push your hero harder to the beyond.. ( be it with art or fitness or what have you). Than that hero is the only thing people see when they think your name. They associate it with you. In reality it was just a mood or personae you wore simply to impose the opposite forces of DeCEptIon within you. This is when you become legend, then another writer will come on board and re tell and re edit your story for many generations to come.( Think Elvis, Bruce lee, Michael jackson etc etc).

It's all just about the costumes. Always has been.

Wear the Costume of the DeCEiVeR: You will be a very unhappy lacking human being. You will hurt people, Like the Goddess Kali...Your stomach and need for consumption will be an endless void. Always consume...never fulfilled. ( The Sad runner up to majority in dear north America)

Wear the Costume of the DeCEiVeR and wear the costume of the Hero in more or less balance without much thought: Your body could be rocking but I bet your conversation and interests are in the range of " She's got a fine ass". ( The Majority...though doubtful).

Wear the costume of the Hero with full KNOWLEDGE AND motive to wear that Mood, that costume. With an actual goal to diminish the DeCEiVeR to a measley 5% of your time...THIS is the path of the Legend.

Like Batman, we must always FIGHT!

Accept that we must always fight. There is no conquering here. No winner. Must oppose your DeCEiVeR every day for the rest of your life, but not with the goal to overcome it, but with the goal of diluting its power of destruction with your power of action in the opposite direction.
JUMP EVERY DAY! ALWAYS! JUMP! Take joy in the fact that if you wear the heroes boots more often than you spend time tied to the villains rocket destined for the sun ( HOW WILL YOU ESCAPE THIS ONE?! TUNE IN NEXT FRIDAY! SAME BAT-TIME! SAME BAT-CHANNEL!), than atleast you'll look great in spandex.

This weekend I escaped the rocket before it hit the sun, but barely.I got charred, bad, nearly to a crisp. This isn't a fight for my abs anymore.
During PCP...I haven't been as creative since I was 15 and doodling my own role playing characters for the shit of it. A weekend of SHIT AND SIN makes you realize how the bad shit replaces virtualy ALL CREATIVE IDEAS with ideas of Loneliness and SEX. This is Now a FIGHT FOR MY LEGENDRY!
Back on the street, back in my hero boots. Back fighting crime , back jumping....until Next time DeCEiVeR...and the next time you'll see me. I.

Will. Look.

Fabulous.

Darling.

ONLY NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE!
--Dr.Leo Quintum/Christopher Reeves

P.S. I will post the details of this weekend on my very last blog entry for this specific blog on Sept 23rd. A 23 day follow up report after day 90. Tune in: Jaws will drop.

ALLO allo

2010-08-08T18:49:00.001-07:00

Thanks my daaaarlings for your concern haha.

All it took was the word " cancer" and I let the worst side of me take full control.

Anyway haha , I had probably the biggest fall from the PCP in PCP history times a trillion this weekend. Oh god...probably WORLDS history , not just the PCP. It was bad enough to make the worlds fattest lady call the firemen to roll her over to her bedside drawer to grab her COMPETITION GLOVES. Just got a ruuun for her title.

I'm back onboard.

Hello Again PCP, you're taxing and strict but you have a lot more to offer me than the dark world of the deceivers.

for 20 more days? hardly. we'll be getting to know eachother for a goddamn life time my friend. The deceiver is not so easily defeated.

Am I weak? Maybe.
But for the first time in my life I feel like im on the road/am more consistantly strong than am weak...but I feel like my nature will always be a man of Extremes. EXTREME STRICT, EXTREME FALL. before PCP the arrow just happened to be in EXTREME FALL for the majority of the time, Now i'm glad to say it's coming around to A good healthy EXTREME STRICT...but the good side of strict...
BACK IN BUSINESS, NOW WHERE is that resistant band.

also, Giant post to follow tommorow

p.s. THings im Thankful FOR: NO LONGer have to work Dairy wall at work...So today I was in charge of CRACKER wall...and CRACKERS are all on the deserted third FLOOR with no cameras or people anywhere...just...crackers...

SO I sat up there, during work hours, for an hour and a half and drew pictures of batman fighting the Joker, and then I took notes for tommorows blog.

then i walked downstairs and instead of putting out more crackers, I just took over a till and rang in customer purchases...the boys in the market arent allowed on till, only women are in this market. BUT, i get bored. On the till you are NOTICED!!!!!! they complimented my new brouche ( a puss in boots brouche), I collect brouches I find in thrift stores. Flashy addition to any wardrobe.

Oh god

2010-08-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

Just got off the phone with my grandmother. She was all shaky , can't do this...

Family health crisis I don't want to get into right now because I feel like it would be rude to get into right now. they are waiting for the call today.

can't...do this again........why this month?...everything at once.

I couldn't handle it.

I cut the call short and said i'de call back in the morning. I just can't right now.

my breathing right now is skipping hard I think i'm going to faint or break something.

have to stay strong to support family again.

I'de like to give you a little sliver of my family. I'M the positive one. You've seen how awful and complainy my blogs are? yes, I'M THE positive one in the family. You take one of my blogs and times it by a billion and add a dash of bile from the blasphemous beelzabubs caked gut and essence of hate crime from concentrate, and you get the sullen cloud that hovers over my family. So much death, So much tragedy. Glass not half empty but the water itself is in the negative volumes.

This is it, isn't it? this is when I finaly lose it. This is the month leading up to the one bad day that shatters me forever isn't it?

God...stop being so selfish...this isn't about me and poor me...but this is of the moment and i'm blogging about it....and I honestly can't handle this right now.

I feel pale and faintly.

i'm going to stop blogging for a few days or more before I haunt the PCP with permanent black cloud.

p.s. I really want a handful of dates right now.

UPDATE: come on ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME? REALLY? this month? IS my bad mouth acting like a magnetism of destruction? The universe smells the weakness on me and is showing its aggressive side? I know i'm a strong kid. I can handle anything. My family doesn't deal with things the way I do. I can't do the energy of paranoia and worry that they'll invite me to be part of. GOD, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. so bloody selfish thinking like this.
feel numb. Must stop typing in blog.
became addicted to it, like it's an online therapist or something.
feel so rude typing about this like it's betraying the family and all their DEEP FAAMILY secrets and trust.
damnit damnit damnit.
my triceps look good though...yes...noticed at the thrift store mirror today...they look good. yes.
bought a watch for a dollar, inside is a little sewing machine behind the glass...bought a little brouche...its of a little puss in boots...he has a cane.

I can't handle emotions. I don't know how to deal with other peoples emotions...They make me feel inside out. Just look into the sewing machine and imagine a future , you're writing your third book , everyone is happy. You're now working on your very own FASHION LINE, WOW. LOOK AT THAT BODY you got yourself, HOW WITTY your mind has become too. The comic business is so eager for you, you brought a new life to it like they've never seeen. NEW EYES. ARE THOSE NEW SHOES TOO?! My what money you are making, though you don't really care because you're happy with the little things in your tiny cottage in the woods of Paris ( if there is woods in paris). WOW, that science fiction graphic novel you wrote inspired scientists down the road and they FOUND THE CURE FOR CANCER. WOW ALL BEFORE YOUR 25TH BIRTHDAY! Your mother is so slim, i'm glad she has that glow to her face once more. Your brother enjoys your company again and asks you to take his daughter to France and teach her the ways of master zen living and the artistry of the ink pen nib. I teach her in ONE busy adventerous summer. She will take on my legend and expand it in a new fresh way all her own.

hand full of dates please please.

The sewing machine watch has no batteries in it, Does it mean its visions of the future are not accurate?

update update: yess, i'm not going to go to work...yes i'm just going to sit here....
for days on this blanket and read every book I have in my room and pretend i'm the last human being on earth.

I'm going to get fired aren't I?

Phone is unplugged.

devestation can't exist if it doesn't come through the phone.

SO many unread books in this room.

I bought new milk today, i'll leave this spot when I can smell it sour in the fridge from my room.

This is supposed to be a PCP blog, I should stop tainting it.

Will make blog just for inner turmoils of the month of AUGUST 2010.

GOD ON A WHEEL!

2010-08-06T16:03:00.000-07:00

UGH UGH UGH, HATE RENTAL ADS.

first off, I discovered value village today , got new clothes from thrift store prices, shoes i regret buying. but i love the little brouches i got for my vests.

WENT TO the house, WHICH IS ON THE DAMN HIGHWAY, and the owners were HOARDERS, the yard was piled so high with junk and unfinished projects and the view is the dirty backyard of the neighbours , i loved when the landlord was like " some days you see the mountains there in the distance" WOO WOO WOO, BIG DEAL. location was shit. and you go into the apartment and the guy keeps looking at my crotch and the apartment smells like catshit, dishes and clothes everywhere...IT WAS A VERY AMAZING LITTLE apartment though...the owner gave off that" i watch the worst KINDS of porn" vibe which i did NOT like and then he said " you guys can come down stairs and give us a deposit now if youde like"

excuse me, like i carry around deposit cash for places i haven't even seen. The guy kept complaining that it was TOO EARLY in the morning and made it sound like showing us the place was the hugest inconvenience. IT WAS 2 30 IN THE AFTERNOON.

good apartment, BAD LANDLORDS AND LOCATION...god...two more weeks to find something.

THANKS deborah for all your help with the art stuff, I'm getting back to you immediately,

I VOW THE MOMENT I FIND AN ART JOB ONLINE, I WILL NOT GET OUT OF BED FOR LESS THAN 200 DOLLARS A DAY, AMEN.

HMM

2010-08-06T00:28:00.000-07:00

I was just remembering something...

last summer i convinced a man who was working on a comic book to hire me as his artist and we were about to sign a contract for me gettting 3000 dollars and I was THRILLED beyond BELEIF. then he vanished.

I got it all from my horrible website made with bad school projects that hasnt been updated in year or two.

hmm let's see if i can remember what it is.

hmm yes

http://royceedvard.carbonmade.com/projects/2285088#1

just have to keep clicking NEXT on the arrow to see them all... don't judge me, haha, i know it's all unfinished lookign quality. is AWAAARE HONAAYS.

fOR SOME reason after that man dissapeared I completely forgot about it and went out looking for other job.

GOD, if i could make some sort of living just by DRAWING.....i'de be in heaven.

fool enough people to think i'm good enough to hire me, so i'de have some sort of decent portfolio from it all for better paying people to hire me.

ANYWAY.
good news: today at work i learned we can take out our entire vacation pay whenever we want, so i had it all transfered on my next paycheck.

bad news: no vacation anymore.

But i'm gunna quit anyway once the dust settles.

Good news: have interview tommorow morning for possibly the BEST FUCKING HOUSE IN THE WORLD. Actually it is my dream home.....it has everything i've ever wated in a home, EVEN SECRET PASSAGEWAYS AND SECRET ROOMS. A DECK, 4 SKYLIGHTS. It's just absolute damn heaven. My references are shit and they are looking for Students so i'm going to have to lie. This place is just GENIUS though.

Bad news: today i have missed an entire workout for the first time and I'm not even going to bother killing myself with self hatred over it. I woke up like i do every day i have an eveing shift, sttart preparing my food and my mom calls " THE GIRL AT THE KIOSK ( my second job) isn't here, I NEED YOU TO COVER FOR HER NOW" so i had to run down to the harbour and cover until 2 and i started work at market at 3 , got back home at 1 am, opened e-mail from future roommate saying we have appointment tommorow morning. So I am in bed typing this. Refuse to feel guilty. I beat myself up too much as it is. today was long day and I just want to hope for the best that at the landlord meeting toommorow they don't notice the holes in my shoes and pants.

Please everyone here wish me the best, this place is actualy a dream.

Back on the PCP horse tommorow darlings.

GOD I WANT THAT HOME. MY OWN FUCKING SECRET GODDAMN ROOM!?

day 66

2010-08-05T13:12:00.000-07:00

God, I can't do this anymore.

I can't wake up to check my bank balance anymore and find i'm negative 200 dollars...because the government decides to take out 25 dollars for a TAX SAVINGS acct and since i dont have that IN THERE due to rent...they take out 100 dollars BECAUSE OF INSUFFIIICIENT money in account. HOW REASONABLE.

can't fucking live like this. How am i going to even afford a new place in 2 weeks when i'm negative 200? How do I work 40 hours a week and i'm negative 200.....I would jump from it all? BUT JUMP WHERE? the streets? what risk CAN I TAKE right now that is even a RISK orth taking? I'M READY FOR that big pLUNGE RISK THAT will better me in the long run....but i have NO IDEA what that risk IS! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE TO JUMP!

the options only seem like : BE HOMELESS or get another job?? and the second one will only LEAD TO this POINT yet again!

" should of stayed in SCHOOL ROYCE"

The graduates from my program are going through the same issues. 99 percent of them will never be artists now like they probably dreamed of. They will have to settle with a computer desk job or mapping tunnels direction pamphlets for subways. Their degrees aren't helping them not have to work in starbucks just to scrape by.

I'm quite frankly not going to be able to keep up with the PCP diet for the remainder. ( This doesn't mean i'm not going to eat PCP foods) I'm going to have to find a way to to cut it down a LOT , excercises and everything wont go anywhere ...they are free. I just need an alternative diet plan somehow. Perhaps:

day 1- 300 ml of skim milk. one egg. 3 peices of lettuce

day 2- one egg, 300 ml of skim milk, AMAYW oxygen

day 3- one egg, sunlight, drops from bottom of milk jar.

etc.etc.

I hate that I just talked to my friend. Who is a brilliant creative guy. We fight like mad and dissagree on most of everything but are bonded in some sort of prehistoric need to create.

We started this EVERY WEEK WE NEED TO SEND EACHOTHER OUR ARTISTIC progress, THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS.

and he hasnt sent in a thing, so I message him to see what is up and hes telling me he's sleeping in shit conditions and taking every shift he can find just so he can have a room.

HAVE A ROOM TO DO WHAT THOUGH? SLEEP and go BACK to work?!

I have no idea what I am going to do.

99.99 percent of people didn't know what they were going to do either and they stuck with the job. I see my mother now when i tell her my situation and she just goes "FORGET THE ART, YOU NEED A JOB, YOU NEED A TRADE, YOU NEED TO GO GET A JOAAAAAAB, YOU NEED A JOOOOAAAB, JOB JOB JOB!" same thing with my grandmothers point of view " the art wont get you anywhere, WHAT YOU NEED IS A JOB, AND MAYBE IF YOUR GOOD AT THAT JOB, THEY'LL MAKE YOU MANAGER ONE DAY"....

god, i want to run away.

i'm trying to bring the PCP to the forefront.

my mind is just very stale at the moment.

i'm doing my excercises though, have enough to last on diet until tommorow then sacrifices will have to be made. Must save up for the ridiculous FIRST AND LAST MONTH of renting a new place.

Day 63 darlings, HOW I GOT TO WHERE I GOT TO

2010-08-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

BAH, i feel bad about being so goddamn repulsive and negative. My personality is just one of extremes.

The word "chill" does not exist in my families DNA...except on the mens side.

I seemed to have adopted my mother and grandmothers extremities and stress and contemporized it.

It will all work out.

god damn dates, have the worst stomach ache right now. It made for an interesting jump rope session, farting loudly with every jump.

I'm not trying hard enough finding new work...so it's definately 100 percent my problem if I hate it.

The tiredness is almost certainly the cause of the binging, which seems to only happen on this day of the week, that and the constipation i've had for a few days. I don't kno why that makes me want to eat more? but it really does. It just ruins your whole being. I think it's a stress induced constipation.

it's a good thing that i think i'm completely asexual, I couldn't imagine having to deal with stuff like relationship LOOOVE triangles and all that right now too. It would be an epic peter parker-esque travesty.

All this just gets me thinking to were it all should be.

The happiest time in my life was when I was like 10-12 and my mother worked her pizza business out of the island bakery ( worlds absolute best pizza, not just saying that cause was me mums). She would rent movies for me and my brother to watch in he corner of the bakery and make us a pizza to eat while we sat there until she finished work. She just got out of a huge divorce with my father, but it gave her energy that i've never seen. Probably like how people show their best self after a huge travesy happens to their country , because it wakes them from their everyday routine and reminds them that they are alive. Me and my two other friends, every second day would go into the vast forest of our island and create worlds like great poets. To every detail, it was PURE imagination, there was NO downside. You went to the forest, got into your character and literaly lived in them for 8 hours, forming epic stories that would bleed into all aspects of your life. Shit would be happening at home, my mother would scream and throw one of her batshit crazy 13 year old tantrums of hers but life was still amazing cause my output was PURE perfection. God, my mom, she used to workout every day and had this zest about her, like a really beautiful woman. we owned a bed and breakfast as well as the pizza business and I woke up every morning with New people in our house from another part of the world and we'de all gather around the table and eat these fucking amazing breakfasts. The scenery was GORGEOUS. Everything has just gone to shit now. I hate seeing my Mom all fat now and depressed 100 percent of the time when she could be thriving and not spending her off moments watching " 2 and a half men" with a blank stare on her face while gorging on the worst foods. She was an abolsute goddess to me. A batshit insane goddess, but that was all part of her charm. I just got off the phone with her where she grumpily moped at me for my "STUPID GODDAMN DIET...JUST EAT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE...If you want help with food, i'll take you to A & W or a dinner somewhere, NOT GROCERY shopping it's a WASTE OF MONEY. YOU'RE ANOREXIC! YOU NEED HELP, I'M MAKING AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE DOCTOR" Then i usually end up hanging up after that. I just wish I could SHOW THEM that I can be happy, to SHOW them it can be DONE the way I do it. I just keep messing up, or not able to afford the paths I go down.

My brother is ripped like a supermodel and he's always eaten their rather Off putting diet, but he's always been very active. His skin is clear and everything and models perfect health. SO they already have their pedastal of THE WAY TO DO IT. Here I am...always this sickly thing, breaking out all the time , red splotches on my face and arms AND haven't eaten inorganic in years.
No wonder they don't look at me or my ways in confidence. I wouldn't either.

It's almost like I look at PCP as I way of saving my mom. Like " HEY LOOK WHAT I CAN DO MOM, LOOK...JUST DIET AND EXCERCISE! YOU CAN BE HAPPY AGAIN! JUST 3 MONTHS LOOK!"

I know that day will never come, even If I became an Adonis, i'm going to have to watch her bloody sink into the abyss.

I hate that there is just nothing you can do you know? You just have to end up cutting people off because sticking around to see them sink is just the worst feeling in the world.

I also feel like I am exactly like her in so many regards except for the fact that we look for hapiness in completely different ways. She's always striving for financial happiness, and i'm always striving for artistic happiness, But both of us are completely stagnant and not going further. I really do try though. I really want to be happy...I feel like the moments when i am happy, it is a happy that a lot of people will never experience. I also feel like the moments when I'm down, it's a down that a lot of people will never experience. There is just no grey tone in me.

I miss living in Toronto...living off student loans. Shopping in bulk at Whole foods like a rich person, off money that belonged to the government. I miss those crumby penthouse apartments that I adored, and shared with my roommate Andrew. He was so pleasant to be around. We would cook with eachother, sit down and talk about the play he was in or how we will conquer the art scene once school is over. One of those roommates where you could talk about the meaning of Life every single night and not get bored just because their facial expressions where so involved. Andrew represented like what the perfect relationship would be for me: cooking, conversation, support, and absolutely no sex ( asexual remember). Someone that conversated and didn't talk to hear themselves talk ( Like i feel i'm doing right now, haha). I miss the 3 am walks through the forest full of fire flies to the 24 hour grocery and buying these organic blue tortilla chips and their extraordinary expensive salsa, and eating it all on my bed while reading Vogue and 10 magazine.

I can't believe I complained with homework..." ROYCE YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO A CONVERSATION IN THE HALLWAY AND MAKE AN ILLUSTRATION FOR IT, YOU HAVE A WEEK" often times that would be the ONLY assignment that week. Rich off government loans and assigned to draw pictures!! I absolutely hated it! I would trade anything for that NOW!

Then in year 3 , I started seeing a guy in the Animation department. We bonded over our love of the little mermaid and Beyonce's Halo. Nael was a very lovely chap but we were both too much of a mental MESS. He was syrian and shared his beautiful house with his family, he wasn't " out" so i was just his " friend" who lived int he basement with him for 2 weeks at a time.
I got addicted to laying in his bed and reading comic books while he played the latest version of STREET FIGHTER or some new ZOMBIE game on his playstation 3. I became so inlove with the leisure of it all that I just all together stopped going to class. I put in 3 years , had half a year left before my degree and I just all together STOPPED going to class. This lead to spiraling depression and talking to my mother on the phone....a phonecall where she was oddly....nice...

" Royce...COME home...COME BACK TO BC...You hate it there...i'll pay for your groceries and you can live with me rent free for a while, you can look for a job and i'll have a drawing room for you"....So within 2 weeks I was back in BC.

Groceries were paid for with Much guilt and spite from her and I was more or less used as her organic punching bag because she hated her own life as well. It was probably the worst time in my life, starting last september to the current date. So I got a job at the first place that would take me, JUST SO I could get enough money for my own place. Looked up on craigslist and found this guy looking for a roommate. IT turned out we were in X-MEN 3 together back in 2001, as mutant extras. So immediately we took that as OH SO MUCH IN COMMON. I moved in RIGHT AWAY. Absolute worst idea. From here on, it's all been piling up, piling up. Getting fatter and fatter until I bought " SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP" , I found it lovely and I youtubed ZAZEN meditation. There I found Patrick. Found his vidyos interesting and funny. Of course like a stupid fool I typed in " Patrick Reynolds WORKOUT" ...as if he would have randomly posted it online...and BAM...he did...INFACT A WHOLE PCP PROGRAM!? THIS WAS MY TICKET OUT OF THE MESS I GOT MYSELF IN. I WOULD GET GORGEOUS AND HEALTHY, PICK MYSELF UP AND LIFE WOULD BE GOOD AGAIN.

I'm surprised I have lasted this far. Will this be the first thing I ever complete? Even if i stumbled 2 days.

What next though? I've learned that abs are having no impact on my joy level at all. I know they aren't fully devloped yet but even seeing them...hinted behind a small layer of fat brings no emotion to me. I just keep thinking " what next?". You going to finaly make that book you've been telling everyone for years you are going to make? You going to finaly live up to the words you told your art teacher the day you graduated highschool? " I WILL BE A GREAT SUCCESSFUL ARTIST, JUST YOU WAIT MR. ROLSTEN. I PROMISE YOU THIS!"

God...i'm just so completely lost right now....I feel like i'm tumbling, at warpspeed, towards a future...on a couch...in the dark...surrounded by dishes and clothes junk...waiting for "2 and a half men" to come on the air...except i'll have a 6 pack while doing it, instead of a gut.

Maybe reminding myself of why I am where I am will set things in perspective for me.

I'm just too scared shitless to make the changes I need to make.

SO always follow your dreams and work your hardest at your passion while you have the time to do it! The moment you lose that time, it's going to be an epic struggle to ever, if you can ever, get that time back again.....after that...no escape....just...abyss..

I hope my little neice will know this....i've only seen her once since she was born 2 months ago so I doubt she cares about shite like this and Mopey to the bones depressive Uncles.

MY WEIRD UNCLE IN THE HILL WHO HAS NEVER LEFT HIS HOUSE, BUT EVERY SO OFTEN WE CAN HEAR THE SOUNDBYTE APPLAUSE FROM BAD SITCOMS AND THE FAINT SOUND OF A JUMPROPE TICKING THE HARDWOOD FLOOR IN PERFECT STATIC FEROCIOUS ORDER.

This video....found it...right now...speaks to me. I've always known I have to do this. I need to quit working.... it's not a laziness thing. I just need to stop doing it, I need to devote my entire life to doing the thing i am meant to do. I know this is going to be very hard...I'm probably going to end up homeless for awhile...This is a neccessary thing after I leave all that shit behind.
Money may or may not come eventualy, but creation will always blossom. My entire family will look down on me and completely revolt...but this needs to be done. Royce Edvardsen is dying every day. I need to be a rockstar, it is my RIGHT! I'm going to figure out how to do this properly , there must be others like me.

willpower is shot

2010-08-02T16:58:00.000-07:00

can't wait till secure enough in a month to get new job.

they put me on two closing to opening shifts within 4 days with 5 hours to effing sleep in between the damn shifts, AND OF course it never works out to you going home and immediately falling to sleep. SO THEY TURN into 4 hours sleep. I TOLD THEM I DON'T WANT THOSE FU$%ING SHIFTS and they called me a Pussy. Has NOTHING to do with mental strength. it's a GROCERY store, not the damn bloody ARMY, there is no excuse for schedules like that.

so i've been a zombie all week.

this has by far been the worst pcp week for me. It's been my valley x 300. So much going on, moving is really worrying me. have about a week and a half to find a place. Seeing another apartment tommorow.

creatively shot due to no sleep.

i'de like to say im proud that i havent missed workout or strayed from the diet essentials.
but today i strayed, like last monday.

I wasn't mindful at all.

organic dates in the staff room, and i sat there hating everything and i ate damn dates a plenty.

2nd fruit binge during pcp.

I HATE that i DO this. this SELF SABATOGE bullshit. I'm happy that i'm not binging on cakes and chocolate and burgers and fries.......and it's fruit...but dates are a pretty unlawful fruit to have a plenty of.

I have 50 dollars until friday morning, i don't know how i'm going to do pcp's diet this week. It's really bumming me out.

i guess i could eat inorganic vegetables? and buy cheap meat. BLECH gross.
I cant afford the protein as it ups in the amounts.
Oh god, i'm going to have to sell shit to buy meat. This is what it has come to.

Do I have to take the budding abs to the street and see what it gets me so I can eat salmon and milk and eggs.

I''m just going to try to not worry about it tonight and shop in the morning before the inspection of the loft.

you are all doing great!
thanks for being there

day 61 delights.

2010-08-01T00:41:00.001-07:00

A slice of Grant Morrison's " The Invisibles"

BAH!

this week i've been completely craving fruit like nothing else.

it's like hibernation mode.

THE DIET THIS WHOLE CHALLENGE HAS NOT BEEN DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW FOR ME.
WHY NOW. all of a SUDDEN with one more month to go, do i just want to BINGE LIKE MAD ON APPLES AND BERRIES AND PEACHES AND STRAWBERRIES AND BLUEBERRIES.
OH GOD. SO DELICIOUS!

DRIED FIGS! DRIED DATES! I WANT IT ALL!

i CONFESS i had an extra fruit serving again today.

2 times this pcp in such close proximity to eachother.

awful, awful, awful!

Anyway i'm quite mad at myself in general.

not really PCP related.

I'm worried about finding a new place, and having it be good.

I'm worried the loft won't have a bathroom.

I'm most worried about my creative ability.

I spent all the other night writing like mad.

The result i found to be rather an utter pile of shit.

It's my absolute dream to be paid to make comic books, nothing could ever be better than that.
Waking up in the morning , feasting on fresh blueberries an organic egg, sitting by an open window in your spacious book filled loft apartment. knowing your actual JOB is to tell mythology and mold it into a comic book. TO HAVE IT be your source of income and to not have to worry about dividing that with a job you despise.

What really worries me is that not until this YEAR have I learned about persistance and action. I KNOW that sound absolutely stupid. HOw could one not KNOW THAT?

I mean I always just assumed things would happen to me, i've been so dumb like that most of my life. The people breaking into the business now spent their entire teenage years drawing or writing constantly. I am doing that NOW. It just worries me that ill be like 70 before i'm half decent enough, you know?

It just REALLY AGGREVATES ME THAT I realy can only practice or write/or draw for 30 hours a week, and that's if i give myself NO FREE TIME AT ALL. I DESPISE THAT I STACK SHELVES AND BOXES DEAL WITH ALLERGENIC CUSTOMERS IN BULK FOOD AISLES FOR 40 SOMETHING HOURS A WEEK!

If i could just find a way to get enough for groceries and rent a month so i can sit and write all bloody DAY, I WOULD. i don't BUY anything else except food and rent, my shoes have damn holes in them. same bloody pair of pants all damn year.

I really wish I pushed myself when i was younger, so I would never be in this position. All I can do now is not leave the house and write or draw for 30 hours a week until i'm bloody in the comic book business or i'm dead on the floor.

This is the only option.

It's not even that i want the money, comics have no money. I Never craved a big house , infact when i was younger, i more or less fetishized about small spaces, haha.

I just want a SMALL little hole to bury myself in.

Funny, the point of view character in my comic has the power to dig himself holes , dig himself deep into the ground and make little holes to live in where no one else is.

I never realized I was writing my fantasy when I wrote him.

my biggest fear is, what if I pursist every day and then it turns out i am completely void of talent and i have nothing to say at all?

I woke up too late today and stupid work called me in early so i left my strength training till now.
Will go do that now.

OH YES. i'm getting:

" YOU LOOK VERY FRAIL"

" you're looking too skinny royce"

" Royce are you ok?"

haha not the MOST ENCOURAGING things i'de like to hear at day 60...but i've never really given a shit about other peoples opinions anyway. I have an end vision in mind. If it's not close to that, then I fail. simple as that. No other opinion matters.

GAWD, this is going to be one hectic month.

moving , pcp , 30 hours of writing, house hunting, BAAAH!!!!!!

TWITCH, CRASH, SMASH, SMASH, BOOM!!!!

ALL coconut OOOILED UP for day 60

2010-07-31T01:56:00.000-07:00

WEOO WEOO WEOOOOO, it's day 60.

Inneresting day today. Spent the entirety of the morning writing. It was all absolute trash, the point was i DID it though. GOD, no idea how i'll turn this into a cohesive story, can't give up though.

Then went to check out a place for rent.
ABSOLUTE GORGEOUS place. An old heritage home, absolutely breathtaking. Our other option is on tuesday and it's a WHOLE EFFING STUDIO LOFT.

The woman for the heritage home wants to decide who gets the place by SUNDAY, and i check out the loft on TUESDAY, it would be a very huge bummer if i got this place and then i fell in love with the loft. I'de just stop replying to the ladies e-mails? haha no idea how to do this.

Loft has no rooms...but...it's a damn loft.

heritage home is above a private masseuse so they so BE VERY QUIET...guess no jump rope? or blender? GAWD.

BUT IT HAD AN APPLE TREE...so yeah...i totally ate an apple off it. Haven't had wild fruit in so long...it was like 30-50 grams...i feel no guilt.

me go to bed now, god on a wheel. She wants references....of course...i don't think i've ever really rented on a lease, so i'll have to give my boss before telling him? he's kind of a dick so i hope it goes over well...i think i'll give my mom too...cause her last name is different than mine, haha.

STUDIO LOFT OR BLISSFUL MASSEUSE APPLE TREE...THE CHOICES!!!

IF THOR CAN DO IT... DAY 58

2010-07-28T22:50:00.001-07:00

Why do I feel like I took a week off PCP and am just returning to it?

I keep on having to backtrack.

Today I was like " Oh BACK TO PCP today" then i was like " wait a second...when have I been off PCP? I'Ve been working out every single day...i never missed a day...had a little jump rope miss on day 7 or 9 once...why do i feel like I took a week off" MUST of been that bee stuff and fruit binge that made me feel like i took a break.

DARN THEM.

Anyway today I bought another jar of bee pollen...NOT TO EAT it though. i'm keeping it on my desk here in a cooler...like kryptonite...to remind me of the delicious bee treats i'll get in just 31 days.

I really can not wait to move....

God...life is going to be so different in 30 days...it's hard to fathom...

I have had an art club going for about 2 weeks now. Every week we have to send in our progress.

be it a painting, or a script, or a garment we are making. JUST to make sure we ARE making something...to ME, our creations are the ONLY important thing in this world.

be it a great body, a book, a great family etc etc

If we don't create it, it's nothing.

I was listening to an ITUNES podcast with Bob Layton I think...comic book writer and he's like..." I have ONE TIP...and it's learned from the best crack dealers on the street. Whatever skill or trade your going into...especially if it's story telling...DON'T SNORT THE PRODUCT. DONT SMOKE THE PRODUCT. YOU MAKE IT. YOU SHARE IT. BUT DON'T DO IT!"

It really hit me hard as OF COURSE.

read novels, look at fashion, live life, watch movies, read non fiction, but if you want to write comic books...stay away from comic book or you will just rehash what you read.

I notice that when I write I tend to slip into the writing styles i've read from great writers like Grant Morrison and well...i read a lot of Grant morrison.

He says it himself that he doesn't read other comics, he knows whats going on, what the people are doing, but can't read them. Least I think he said that.

I have to have faith in my own world, my own MT.OLYMPUS in my head. Sure Grant morrison is great...but i'm fucking Royce Jackson Barrow Edvardsen. I'm Great too.

So because of this art group and me actually putting in effort....IN A MONTH i'm going to have a script done that's been 10 years in the making...I HAVEN'T BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR 10 YEARS...but for ten years i keep dreaming about making it...or putting in 3 seconds of effort...keep telling myself i'll do it....NOW I'M DOING IT.

IN 30 DAYS:

NEW BODY

NEW ROOMMATE ( THE GOrgeous celestial Shaman Lady Maria) WHO isn't a complete control freak robot jerk like......current situation....haha ok i'll stop there before I get all high school about it.

NEW LOFT APARTMENT

NEW BODY

A MUTHA EFFING SCRIPT FOR MY COMIC BOOK!!

hopefully new shoes too?

P.S. workout went great today.

Discovered I work out best when it follows an hour of uninterupted writing. Mind in superhero mode after an hour of writing superhero stories. I do find it annoying still though. I always fail way before a burn. I find that very discouraging when I seriously cant push myself more than I'm giving and I still can't do it. I find this most after the jump ropes, since they follow chest dips.

Also great Jump rope tonight! I mean VERY great. Burned like THE SUN!
I jumped to FRESHLY SQUEEZED from the Twin peaks soundtrack. Was just the dose of surrealism I needed.

EATING WORLDS BIGGEST SALAD NOW, NIGHT NIGHT

update

2010-07-28T08:10:00.000-07:00

gave away all my honay and bee pollen....do not trust self around it until after the pcp , haha

BEES KNEES

2010-07-28T01:38:00.000-07:00

hmmm, the diet has been the easiest part about the PCP so far...besides the making of everything.

so i wonder why my body, all of a sudden. Going two months strong without hardly a craving, suddenly wants EVERY FRUIT/HONEY/BEE POLLEN/BERRY in a LARGE BOWL AND EATEN ALL AT ONCE UNTIL CONSUMED THE QUANTITY THAT EXISTS ON PLANET EARTH!!

and avacadoes and onions/ tomatoes...my second craving.

i'm actually cured of craving everything else except the purest of foods....but i suddenly WANT THESE FOODS IN EXCESS...

im guilty again of going a little overboard with the honey.

must restrain self

before...

eating every bees nest on THE PLANET!!!!

ps.

workout was devine tonight.

NOOOOO

2010-07-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

oh shit. my first pcp rule break.

I BINGED. After devious roommate told me i have to find new apartment. MIND WENT into CRASH MODE.

I went for the rest of my fruit salad. and just ATE bunch of blueberries and apple and pear bits.

is feeling shame.

UPDATE: HOLY CRAP, I need to talk about what just happened. I just had like 3-4 times my amounted fruit .

i'm always SO IN CONTROL WITH THIS DIET THING. and he comes in going " my old roommate wants the place back and its in his lease and you have to find new place.

and i'm like dirt poor lost in a crappy mindspace already , in midst of PCP and suddenly MIND tweaked and went to fridge, grabbed rest of chopped up fruit i make for fruit servings, turned on green lanetern cartoon and went to town.

my mind was completely aware of everything, but my body just did not care. I guess i just have to accept i did what i just did and move on. Life will be FUCKING AMAZING IN A MONTH.

or...OR...i'll be homeless....BUT WITH ABS haha if they forgive me for that fruit overload.

LE SIIIIGHHHHHH i feel twitchy now...sugar high....god i wish that didn't just happen

UPDATE 2:

THE MOST AMAZING thing just happened after that binge...i suddenly feel so Empowered...I realize...I CAN do that ANYTIME I WANT TO....but i CHOOSE NOT TO! pcp IS NOT another thing to restrict me, Not another routine prison of forced rules. THESE ARE RULES I CHOOSE to live by. I could walk out ANYTIME...binging is POSSIBLE anytime I WANT....i finaly rememer why I started to do this in the first place, to be unstoppable and amazing. AND THE RESULTS ARE COMING IN! all BECAUSE of those guidelines.

it's always obvious. but you don't really feel how baddly you want it until you stray away from doing it.

TO ANOTHER MONTH OF FLAWLESS PCP!

GO TEAM SEXAY.

ARRRRGHBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

2010-07-26T19:07:00.000-07:00

I really despise jump rope this week.

writing this from just finishing the jump rope this week.

some weeks I go flawless completing everything with never a break.

This week, and i blame this on probably my body being absolutely bored of jump roping, EVERY 3 SECONDS i trip, today the rope actually literaly tripped me to the ground and i spent more time going F%#%#!!!!! F$##% YOU! than i think i spent quality jumping.

so I turn on the tv while i jump, so maybe my mind focuses on something while my body jumps.

still constant tripping.

It's been like this since the Sets came into play. So i start a timer and just jump.

I think i'm going to just start counting again, it kept me steady Like a good straight jacket on my concious mind while my subconcious got to play.

It's hard to trick the mind though. Because it still KNOWS that its under a timer, so even counting won't confuse it. It KNOWS the truth.

before, the counting WAS the truth.
THE BOMB WILL GO OFF IF 1500 JUMPS ARENT completed.

now i can TELL my concious mind that NOW,but it knows it's just pretending now.

hopefully it'll get better before this last month begins because i really want to get mean results this month.

I decided on giving up the ezekiel bread, I'm going to stick to simple grains for last month. Quinoa mostly. just to keep it simple.

I bought some raw organic bee pollen today to sprinkle on my yogurt.

did you KNOW, at 15 calories per heaping tablespoon, Bee pollen is the single most complete food known to man? Honey is pretty rocking too. seriiioously, research it, You'll be blown AWAAAY.

BEe's use honay for their carbs

and the pollen for their proteins.

so it's like...cottage cheese for bees.

i'm a gunna sprinkle some on my yogurt every now and then.

I just got jealous of everyone talking about sprinkling honaaay on their yogurts every now and then, so I wanted some bee stuff TOO!!!

bees are on my mind.

writing first scene of my comic, involves giant bees. So got down with the bee research and they are pretty amazing little animals with amazing little foodstuffs.

If it's not gorged on of course.

UPDATE: just informed i have to move out in a month, EXACTLY when PCP ends....Guess new life in all aspects. Might as well finaly quit the bad job within weeks too, Make it a COMPLETE package.

least this sets THAT in stone and not just an idea.

strange binge

2010-07-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

haha i just had the strangest binge ever.

I added cinnamon to my yogurt today. this little container of organic cinnamon brand i havent tried yet. I always add it to my yogurt. It's a constant ...so i don't know why...today I FELT THE need to eat it out of the cannister.

I had liek 4 finger pinches...now obviously i'm not worried about this effecting my pcp...cinnamon...i'm just wondering why THIS PARTICULAR CINNAMON TASTED SO DAMN GOOD. OH GOD IT WAS HEAVEN IN MY MOUTH , I WANT TO EAT SPOONFULLS. it wasn't even strikingly spicy, it had more of a sweet taste to it. Oh god, it was delicious.

haha that's my post for today.

i'm rather chipper kipper at the moment.

writing and ideas are flowing constantly.

it's like my mind is becoming unconstipated. It just squelched out it's last blocking turd or something. Now it's a smooth pathway.

it all came together yesterday during that sick day On JULY 24TH 2010. My comic book finaly came together , I finaly knew what to do with these characters and finaly have something TO SAY , more importantly.

It was always so obvious.

I wonder if i never took that sick day yesterday...what if those thoughts never would of entered my head? How much longer would my rut have gone on? how many more years would I have to wait before it finaly HIT ME?

Thank the universe for fake ear aches.

I reccommend them to all, You never know what can happen when you label yourself with fake illness and apply yourself with real imagination.

I carried around scraps of paper at work all day. The ideas keep flowing, I spent more time secretely writing on the scraps, hidden behind crates of milk or potatoe chips, then I actually did working.

want...more....cinnamonssssssssssss

WEOO EOO WEOOOO

2010-07-24T17:36:00.000-07:00

oh dear. faking sick is the best thing that's happened to me in a while.

the writing is pouring out.

success success.

should do this EVERYDAY!

but then would be poor and dead somewhere, i'm sure.

Body getting smaller, would like smaller clothes and haircut soon darlings.

Just bought a crap load of Chicken from the organic market down the street and the delivery truck from the market I work at drove by and the driver sneered at me.

whatever, i'll tell them I was going to go buy some tylenol for my masssiiive ear infection.

Another very Emotional complainy post

2010-07-24T11:00:00.000-07:00

sweet Valley high

I just called in sick for work.

Feel like massive weakling.

Just can't go to that place anymore.

the routine of it has literally aten my soul away.

The thought of going there till twelve and being there tommorow morning at 6am, just killed me.

So I just picked up phone and said " suffering from massive ear ache"

I feel like such an asshole when i do this shite.

maye i've reached the VALLEY of the VALLEYS and mixed with my own melodramatic personality it's heightened times a million.

it's all such a MESS though. I've completely worked myself into a state of prison like life that can be triumphed over but it's dug so deep now that it's going to take severe effort to pull self out of it and frankly i feel so defeated lately that i'm not willing to put in that effort.

The PCP is the only thing that has stayed constant lately, following it to the exact.

I admit it's tougher than usual to do right now, but after i do it I always feel much better.

I feel like my lunch time salad is too big or something because i'm not losing as much fat as i'de like. So maybe i'll eat less lettuce...cause i'm doing everything else right, only thing i can think of is my large amounts of lettuce consumed at lunch.

I'm completely destroyed with art. I've lost the ability to have fun with it. It really brings me to a dark place. it's like...I know if i don't create it, I will die. But the action of creation hurts me SO MUCH...it's hard to describe....it becomes overbearing for me. especialy to know in the past I have made gorgeous things, gorgeous creations. My whole child hood was playing God on an island , creating myth after myth that would rival the mythologies that are popular today. The ideas where all original , fresh and mine.

Now it's like...everything is stale......i'm a good drawer...but lately I couldn't draw better than anyone else who is given a pencil.

I just want to LEAVE IT ALL. THIS APARTMENT, MY JOB. LIVE SOMEWHERE CHEAP, MAGICAL AND JUST ...maybe be homeless or something.

Yesterday I spent an hour staring at the wall...not in a cool zazen way either...but as a slump of a human being ...staring at the wall...

I had a dream that my favorite artist moved in to be my roommate. He spilled mustard everywhere, was more or less rude and told me about how he needs to cheat on his wife to survive the day. I think the point was to show me that even our role models can be assholes? But i still admired him immensely for the creation he put out in the world, thus the message went right over my head.

SIM RAGE, RAGE

2010-07-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

DAMNit,

worst day ever. following best day.

The writing last night went terrible.

Absolute shit. I was writing just to make a story instead of writing from the heart. Thus it become a mound of cliche GARBAGE. So i was extremely upset with myself.

I woke up this morning with a sense of failure already. If you ever played the game SIMS, i felt like a sim after he peed himself, put walls around him so he couldn't escape , with no food or bed nearby.

I just wanted to stomp on the ground and scream like a baby.

workout didn't go as well as usual.

I got a desired burn out of jump rope....but I could of done a lot better.

I have to remember, ART SHOULD BE FUN , that is why i did it as a kid, that is why i loved it as a kid, I need to stop killing myself everytime it sucks. Then again, i just need to learn concentration better. Then maybe it wouldn't suck.

DUE DATE for art group is friday night, script will need more work before then....so will hand in other designs i'll work on for the meet up instead.

perfect day

2010-07-21T16:59:00.000-07:00

Got All my excercises done. All my groceries set up.

Now it's just me...and a beautiful 8 hours infront of me of just writing ....GOD DAMN CAR OUTSIDE STOP HONKING YOUR DAMN HORN, YOU'RE SO OBNOXIOUS!!!...OK ...back to perfect day...

WRITING on my table, surrounded by creation, beaming with it....and...and...

INDULGENCES!

delicious whole grain carrot cake and some raw food coconut/raw chocolate treats. OH GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BE HEAVEN!! IN A BOX. I have all night of writing infront of me, so I hope these treats don't ruin my sunbeam of lovely imagination lasers.

will update later...WILL I FINISH IT? DO I DARE? HOW WILL I FEEL? WILL IT MAKE ME FAT OVERNIGHT? TUNE IN TONIGHT TO FIND OUT!

UPDATE: IT'S OFFICIAL, I'M done with sugar. my body Knows the difference IMMEDIATELY.the white ball is just pure oatmeal coated in icing sugar from the same bakery as carrot cake, vegan bakery, but vegan wheat free doesnt mean healthy, still has sugar and stuff. You can tell IMMEDIATLY, the doughey too rich taste to it. the raw coconut mango bar, sweetened only with honey and coconut water...is ABSOLUTELY UNBELEIVABLE, it tastes like food, my tongue knows this. my mind knows this.

sugar tastes like dullness, i don't know why i ever was so into the stuff. real natural sweets taste devine though. God how will i eat that carrot cake NOW!? KNOWING THIS?!

UPDATE 2: CHOCOLATE HEMP SEED BALL....ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS, SO REALLY GOOD INDEED, OH YES YES I WANT 100. it was really fantastic actually.

update 3 : ok , the carrot cake? way better than i remember.

raw chocolate peice is probably best thing ever tasted.

Anyway, I 'm really looking forward to my salad.
I think one month treat should really be the norm. It felt like a treat and not just a carrot cake.

see you in a month chocolatey goodness. I wont miss you too much, but the sex will be great when you're back in town.

DAY 50 - HUBBA WUBBA GUBBA

2010-07-20T11:26:00.000-07:00

haha too lazy to edit which photos make it in todays post, so just THROWING EVERYTHING in there until I come back and edit down later.

MMm feel warm and gooey today, had good writing progress last night. Think it's finaly going to come together in an odd strange way, JUST GOTTA KEEP ON WRITING.

well it's day FIFTY BABIES.

WE ARE ALL DOING GREAT.

still cant do v sits worth shit, and those shoulder raises, but everything else is peaaachy.

GO AWAY VISCERAL FAT, DAMN YOU, BEAT IT, BEAAAAT IT. SHOOO. LEAAVE ME BEEE TUMMY FAT FAT. you should be gone by NOW, DARLING!!!

later gators.

day 49

2010-07-19T19:37:00.001-07:00

WEOO WEOO WEOO, IT'S Been 3 days since i posted?

time flies in internet world.

NOT SO MUCH IN REAL WORLD.

GOD, been so bloody depressed these past 4 months.

It was like 3 months ago it hit me hard.

Just because of the rut I got myself into/being too hard on myself/ always feeling any art i create is absolutely worthless garbage.

the thing is, i KNOW how we all create are own problems, how we create our own moods and lives. The zen approach, the occult approach, the cro magnum wall painting symbolism to mark your prey approach.

I KNOW all path to happiness...i just don't KNOW IT KNOW IT, because i so VERY little of the time live it.

Know so much, do so little. Thus knowing anything at all is rendered useless.

I hope i have what it takes to actually conquer my fears of security and just go for a leap and SERIOUSLY QUIT MY JOB AND MOVE TO A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE OLD HOME and just be happy.

IT'S SO EASY. JUST DO IT!!!!!

god.

I feel like gizmo is Gremlins when he gets so angry at himself because he releases gremlins into the world. Knowing that it's completely his doing, even if his life is run by insanely impossible rules : no water, no food after midnight etc etc. He still knows it's his problem. HE GET'S OVER IT THOUGH, GETS ON HIS LITTLE RAMBO SUIT AND KICKS GREMLIN ASS.

Anyway i've been really feeling the sadness lately...i know it's not pcp related.

all my self torment is always 100 percent art related. so Pcp is always a struggle when i'm in these dense moods...though I'm tough enough....I conquer it.

I'm especialy happy of myself today...having a rather horrible spell at work today ...letting the 6 hours of stocking soup cans really bring me down...I remembered it was Indulgence meal week and Immediately I planned to gorge on chocolate ( 400-700 calories though) after work...because i felt like shit.

I'm really glad I snapped out of it and agreed NOT to let myself indulge when i'm in a shitty mood. I will not feed PAIN WITH bad food ANYMORE.

indulgence will be saved for HAPPY DAYS AND HAPPY MOOD...

so I pick wednesday or possobly friday. Depending on my attitude on wednesday.

I have writing to do.

CHEERIO darlings

day 46

2010-07-17T01:03:00.000-07:00

Note:

I feel very discouraged that I seem to be able to do less and less of the basics as they days go on.

still cant do proper v sit ups. barely even a U shape.

also tonights workout. DID 5 PUSHUPS AND FAILED. was a HUGE strugggle to do 15 with on the knees pushups.

when i started the PCP i could easily do 20 pushups. NOT knee pushups. I get 7-8 hours of sleep every day ( cept saturday nights...for NOW). do all my meals and protein to perfection. I just wish my body would clue in and make those muscles stronger.

one of my paranoid fears is getting to day 90 and people are like OOO HOW MANY PUSHUPS CAN YOU DO? and i'll do like 4 and then collapse into a puddle and they'll like blink and walk off with unimpressed glaze.

I'm feeling the tired haze all the time like everyone else too.

IS THIS THE VALLEY I HEAR SO MUCH ABOUT?

as long as it's all according to plan.

I keep thining ROYCE YOUR NOT PUSHING YOURSELF HARD ENOUGH. MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU CAN ONLY DO 5 PUSHUPS. so then on the fifth i try my best to lift self upa nd then collapse.

whatever, atleast my abs are coming in so i'm on my way to look faaaabulous.
can't wait for 3 weeks until i can buy new shoes without holes to match the fabulousness of my future abs

PCP DREAM DREAM

2010-07-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

my god. Just woke up.

PCP HAS FINALY infected the marrow in my bones.

had large pcp dream.

we had huge pcp temple in china and Patrick had a room full of stuffed animals where he marinated hot peppers in glass tubes, with vinegar and watched over the whole temple.

there was like 200 of us and we made fish meals ever night and had yoga at night and workout during the day......i was not able to bend right for yoga.....to get our food, men in trucks came at 2 am and all the women had to go to the edge of the mountain and pull up the food with pulleys and ropes, for the next day.

god. just woke 5 seconds ago, still in dream haze mode.

ON TO JUMP ROPE. i was really looking forward to trying one of those peppers then i woke up.

EPIC DAY 44 BLOG BLOG

2010-07-15T01:02:00.000-07:00

OH GOODIE, RETURN TO SQUATS!!!!

god...hate...deffinately by far my most dreaded thing to do. I find them excruciatingly time consuming. Even when the burn is felt I feel like screaming atomic f-bombs at all the people in the world just because i neeeed to at that moment.

I have inner rage issues...more or less surpressed these days by a dose of self awareness...which I beleive I lacked in my younger years...Though i think my self awareness is really artisticaly hindering me.

SO a little rage I believe is welcome...THANK you squats for BRINGING IT OUT.

made it a point to do 8 min abs after every workout for about a week now. It's a fine way to conclude it.

my ass hurts in a good way from the....pistol squat....hate those too though.

that word......SQUAAT....the rage in me....

brings me back to art school ......painting class.....

I just despised painting for whatever reason....partly because i didn't excell at it, partly because i didn't care enough about it to want to excell in it...I also hate materials...you have your water and your oils and your 9 brushes and brush holders and clothes and water and paint everywhere...just made me all FRANTIC...too MANY THINGS ...

Though when the painting turns out good then it's worth it. In my case that was rare.

I do love colouring though......even though it's paint and requires the same amount of materials. Something about an ink outline on the drawings gives me chills , an auratic erection of a trillion reverse blackholes blasting frozen silent mice from the distant future Aeon of Harpocrates right . directly. into the mouth of the intertwined.always alert.but always napping SNakE of my.nervous system.

GOD I love ink drawings.

my mind has really been on art lately.

i've really wasted this year.

I'm retraining myself desperately how to draw. I spent 15 hours minimum today scetching and getting comfortable with it again. It will take awhile.

gOD i hate squats...yes that was the point wasn't it?

Hmm things still having trouble with are pull ups / v-sit ups/pistol squat/pushups

ALL in time...

I feel ......exHAUSTED all the time lately though. I'm literaly a SLOTH at work...
i'm not going to blame it on lack of sleep cause saturday's the only night of the week i don't really sleep as much as i should.

but I can't remember ever being so bloody tired all the time.

They'll probably fire me before I officially quit, just because of the pace i'm moving these days.

perhaps it's because my body isn't used to eating so much, as well as..ever remotely excercising it's muscles.

so combine the two and makes super tired.

I remember during my water fast , on the 8th day I was like FLash, energy boundless.

But i also did zero strength training during that.

before the PCP I would usually eat like one Meal a day and it's like a whole bag of tortillas/chocolate bar....and then bagged organic coconut soup with a heep of eggplant.

and..a SHITLOAD OF SALT...ABSOLUTE SHITLOAD.

god i ate SO MUCH SALT.

absolutely WAY too much. on EVERYTHING. I make it a point during my slothy walka round of the store to read the labels on everything to pass the time...you know...instead of working...and i noticed all the things I put salt on ...in excess amounts.....and they all already had like 890 mg of salt per serving.

God I was killing myself.

probably why my face was so damn red like a jolly fat man.

discovered show I thought I would hate.

called : WORK OF ART: NEXT GREAT ARTIST.

...think I am addicted to it now.

I like how it's not censored down and depicts the pure raunch conversations of what people ( my people) really talk about when they are in an art room together. Always the perviest of perversions and hardly ever art. Then there is the one guy who would only talk about art.

what the fuck is art?

Oh yes I think I asked myself that once before and came up with an answer:

art is....CHANGING everything.

To me...art has to be something that turns your train on another direction/ another course/ or adds a longer track to the course you're already going down, thus broadening your view of that course immensely more.

It has to take where you are in life at that moment. introduce a concept so new, so never seen before that it literally changes the outcome of your life like a delicious virus.

Thus...like a virus it has to make you want to replicate it.

like how when your a kid and you read a great novel or comic book and suddenly you wanted to be a comic book writer because the story was so good.

PERFECT VIRAL DOWNLOAD!

it did it's job.

it changed everything.

your course is forever damaged/blessed/mutilated/INSPIRED.

every other thing we call art can be beautiful and techniquely brilliant and worthy of any wall...
but unless it CHANGES EVERYTHING then I won't call it art.

it should be the true goal of an artist.

A.LL

R.IGHTY

T.HEN

MY MIND IS CHANGED.

PCP. IS. ART. DARLINGS!!

you're a living SCULPTURE IN THE MAKING. REJOICE. REJOICE.

FOR YOU ARE FOREVER CHANGED!

bless the devine essence of Horus, the chaotic celebrator of the acheiver and ignorer and banisher of the non acheiver.

just DO and everything will be.

DAMN.

SWELL.

goodnight.

robots in disguise.

2010-07-14T01:55:00.000-07:00

did my workout tonight to the transformers movie. the second one. haven't seen one of these transformers movies before. I remember going to see the first one in theatres a couple years back but I was up all night on some school project drawing a mad gunman on a subway....so i fell asleep in the theatre.

the movie I guess is pretty awful if you were to actually sit down and watch it. But it's darn great for workout. mindset.

workout was swell tonight.

concentrated on mah body parts, really helped do the reps. It was like meditation .

I don't know why i'm suddenly SO awful at all chest excercises, i think i could do more pushups before the PCP than I can do now. I had to resort to kneww pushups pretty quickly after the second set.mah poor tired chest muscles. hopefully they will strengthen.

weekend was a poop, no sleep came to this wicked man. so i fell asleep instead of doing sundays workout. but of course i made up for it on monday.

I guess that makes it my second pcp slip up of this while thing. first one being a jump rope i didnt do once. but MADE UP FOR THEM BOTH the following days. SO im not such a sinner.

OH and i may have gorged on blueberries one time too.

loving the 8 minute abs...he's so goooood at prepping you up while you do them haha.

ASLEEP TIME.

dropping my job.

going to become a character study artist on the street.

i'm scared i wont be good enough.

so practicing on people for free all week.

will be nice working for self doing stuff i'de do for free... may not know what i'm getting self into though.

just can't do the 9-5 jobs anymore. so demoralizing if you don't love it.

maybe i'm delusional though.

but this is a given.

it keeps me going.

ALLO LADIES ! ALLO GENTLEMENS! IT'S DAY 42

2010-07-13T03:19:00.001-07:00

bah! bah !bah humbug

ROYCE SMASH!!!

THOught i'de post some piktures.

Now I must sleep...

weooo weoo, longer blog tommorow.

you are all looking GREAT, DEVINE, WISDOMATIC, DELIGHTFUL, SPRITEFUL!

i feel like the pics suggest i work harder on my chest muscles. and shoulder. everything else seems to be coming along dandy. chest still looks dumpy as hell, to me..but it's still a baby and still growing.

night night night till tommorow.

DAY 39 - PUMPKIN PIE SPICE!

2010-07-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

PUMPKIN PIE SPICE!

PUMPKIN PIE SPICE!

PUMPKIN PIE SPICE!

PUMPKIN PIE SPICE!

PUMPKIN PIE SPICE!

You will NEVER need another indulgence.

DEARS, DARLINGS, GENTLEMENS.

ADD IT TO YOUR MILK/EGG/APPLE SMOOTHIE

ADD IT TO YOUR YOGURT

ADD IT TO YOUR MILK

ADD IT TO YOUR DREAMS: WET, NIGHTTERRORS, FORGETFUL PLEASENTS.

THIS STUFF...IS...MAGICK..

....so yes I just bought pumpkin pie spice...am in love

day 38. COSMIC puppets INDEED

2010-07-09T01:17:00.001-07:00

I have to say i'm loving the workouts this week, and the diets.

The workouts are all so new, I get bored easily so I felt like the first kinds were steady for a long time . When my brain gets in routine mode it just shuts off and wants to die. SO i'm very thankful everything changes during the PCP. Diets/excercise. Keeps my tuned in.

I feel like i'm eating A LOT, feels delicious.

pcp is going swell and dandy.

Problems...pistol squat. I'm doing it wrong. I know this. I'm not sure how the exact...going down procedure works/going up. so i sink down, bounce up with the extended leg. It's all very awkward...studying the picture...trying to mimic it. Feel like my mimicry is far off.

mmm loved those side crunches.

ill do those 8 minute abs tommorow.

ALSO i think i found a little workout routine nook i really enjoy. I've been doing jump rope first thing without food since the start...then wait an hour or so before eating. But i love doing the strength training at night, after dinner and before my evening snack. I feel like batman. in the night. training. then I read/draw/write for an hour or two before sleep/or attempting to sleep.

Other than PCP, Life is a WRECK dahling.

I feel like i've been in the same place for years and now that i'm older it will be near impossible to dig out. The bills and such will only get bigger. What makes me sad is people who wanted to be actors or writers or artists or whatever, then a decade of the bills and jobs just finaly sucks it out of them and you hear them say things like " THIS IS REALITY. I'M OLDER NOW, I HAVE TO TAKE THINGS SERIOUSLY, NEED BIGGER TV, NEED BIGGER HOUSE". In my mind. NOTHING is more serious than pursuing that which you are MADE for. Be it art or business or parenting.

What really RILES ME UP is i have to spend 9 hours a day hating the world and my job and 2-3 hours enjoying my creative mind. Life shouldn't be this way. It should be reversed. 9 HOURS OF LOVING LIFE, 2-3 of labourous duties that make you hate things. I keek trying to apply for jobs in bookstorres/comic stores/psychedelic spiritual stores. They never hire, Only thing ever open is the same bagboy or waiter jobs.

Can't DO it anymore.

have to keep trying. If i can change my body, I can change my life.
perhaps i'll be a street vender artist , even if i'm absolutely not prepared...just jump in until it makes me good and great.

perhaps homeless until i find my skills improve.

haven't decided. Something big needs to change though.

Rant of the night.

feel fresh after shower.

should do laundry some day.
found an insect in my clothes pile.

God on a WHEEEL

2010-07-08T01:58:00.000-07:00

2 hours later...finaly have all my meals made for tommorow.

mmm breakfast : quinoa pasta,bean sprouts with dill and egg and little dash of apple cider vinegar acidity with a cajun seasoning mix.

Lunch: 2 sodium free ezekiel bread sandwhiches with chicken salad (avacado,baked chicken breast, red onion, green onion, garlic, 2 drops of mustard, dill, parsley, cilantro, chili powder, dash of cinnamon, apple cider vinegar) , two slices of tommatoes on top with large chunk of clover sprouts and topped with cilantro, basil and parsley.

dinner : ( no break time to eat yogurt at work so mixing it with my milk ) 2 hard boiled egg whites, yogurt+ Milk mix with large healthy dose of cinnamon.

late night meal: salsa soup ( red onion, cilantro, tomatoe, basil, lemon, garlic , blended into soup) with dollop of yogurt on top and a dash of chili powdy.

then one egg white for a workout.

AM EXCITED TO EAT IT ALL, YES!

TOMMOROW i'll get to sleep IN! then wake UP and go get the new BATMAN AND ROBIN, FINALY! then jump rope, then wait an hour , then FEAST!!!!

i've been pretty down lately. Life paths. I think I could be a good writer, or a good drawer/visual artist. Both appeal to me greatly...profoundly equally, I want to focus on one to be great at it....maybe will focus on the drawing because the writing will be ongoing witht he reading.

OH LIFES HARD CHOICES.

god, im tired.

off to bed.

you're all doing special and great.

2010-07-07T01:20:00.001-07:00

LE SIGH, just wrote long blog then firefox crashed.

Will write another tommorow.

DAY GOOD. workout swell.

feel jjuuicy.

love onions.

day 36

2010-07-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

NYUM NYUM

THE ONION, I'DE LIKE TO DISCUSS HOW MUCH I LOVE THEE.

I APOLOGIZE WITH ALL MY HEART AND CRASHING BLOODSTREAM, THAT I NEVER RECOGNIZED YOUR SWEETNESS BEFORE. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL MY CRUNCHY FRIEND. HIGHLIGHT OF EVERY MEAL.

workout was good today, used lighter weight resistant band. was tougher then usual...probably because though it was lighter, i could atleast keep my form the whole time.

day was crap, until after workout ...now i feel high...should write blog only after good workouts of highness.

tommorow I dance and create magic.

bahaha i guess blogger DID autosave my post.

I didn't know it did that.

New batman is out today, excited.

SLEEP is definatelymy greatest enemy on the PCP.

even if i go to bed early,my body just wakes up 4 hours later and i cant get back.

so i drink tea and i just sit there awake.

i wish i could just force myself into sleep.

I was reading this study on psychic power of human mind the other day.

How they did this study with people who were given a dice , told what they would roll, then rolled and recorded the result. in the first GO like 75 percent -80 percent of the hits matched the prediction. then the second go . Only 5 percent. , third go was 2 percent accuracy.

A bored and tired human mind is NOT a powerful human.

wish i could sleep.

must be powerful.

am enjoying delicious saNDWHICHES.

WOW , I'M ON A BLOODY ROLL HERE PEOPLE!

2010-07-04T22:28:00.001-07:00

BY DAR ( OR FAR FAR FAR) THE WORST DAY OF PCP EVER.

As I have said before....YES i am looking for a new job.

But i stupidly, STUPIDLY agreed to work closing on saturdays till midnight and opening on sundays at 6:30. Agreeing well before the PCP began. Hate my self for this.

SO LAST NIGHT, TRYING TO SLEEP. I ROLLED AROUND ON MY FLOOR and got 2 and a half hours. BAH!!! I LAID there in near tears wanting so BADDLY TO SLEEP.

work went by super fast...oddly enough...I was in Golden eye mode the entire time.

It's when I pretend I am playing a video game...only it's my life...this way you look at the world in terms of awesome CGI graphics and marvel at it the same way you would marvel at a video games graphics ( yet oddly we don't ever marvel at the real worlds graphics despite it being flawlessly awesome). When i'm in golden eye vision, time speeds up...

ANYWAY GOT HOME...TRIED TO NAP.....COULD...NOT NAP...

earlier in the day i had decided to try my 2nd coffee since starting the pcp, STRAIGHT BLACK COFFEE WITH ICE...it was YUMMY...THEN I HAD ANOTHER to wake me up much earlier in the day...coffee is allowed yes? YEP, JUST CHECKED the rules again...

ANYWAY it made me nautious, SICK. DEAAAAD. DEAAD. SICK..NAUTIOUS...DEADLY!!

BACK to me trying to nap later on. COULDN'T...felt aweful...knew the dreaded workout had to come....

I began it....

it took 50 MINUTES TO DO THE JUMP ROPE ! 50! IT USUALLY TAKES ME 15!
I TRIPPED EVERY 5 JUMPS. I WAS IN NEAR TEARS!!
AND YES..I WAS TRYING....
as for the workout....GOD...worst workout ever...i felt like i was going to die.
the biceps were the only thing I think I squeezed something out of.

leg raises and katana were impossible tonight.

planks were saTISfactory.

as were the froggy jumps.

I was channeling a frog knight who came back to me today. I envision him every time I'm in a horrible set of moods.

His name is razor and he used to be a knight in some spider warshipping army but then he got turned into a frog by the evil queen of Bee's and time traveled into the future to kill a giant beetle.

These....are the days of our LIVES people!

took some pictures afterwards...RAGE! DEATH. THE HORROR. THE TRAVESTY. THE SEX SEX ...DARKNESS....WATERFALLS....SLEEEP...OH YES SLEEEP....

Speaking of sex...I haven't had a sex drive in nearly a month....health = Hermit for life?
whatever...it's not bothering me...patrick talked about it in an e-mail...but it's highly noticable.

Instead of hormone induced fantasies....is replaced with time traveling frog men from spider land.

Had to quickly draw Razor after my workout to clearly show you all what has replaced sex in my head.

P.S. had to skip my last veg meal tonight because i didnt wanna eat too close to bed and I needed to get to sleep. SO i had an extra fruit serving. apple and 3 cherries.
universe spiraling in...voids opening in between atoms...hope this doesn't set everything off course BAAAH!

FLIP AND A FLOP AND A HOORAH

2010-07-02T20:15:00.001-07:00

OH MY DEARS, i spoke way too soon last week about the WONDEROUS joys of all

MY body chemicals are all an uncomfortably flux.

Can't write anything good.

Can't seem to think of anything good.

No excuse for writers block.....Always inspiration out there...make it go away.

The torture...how to make something relevant.

When the answer is always...don't bloody think about it.

JUst DO what is cool to you and if You THINk it's cool others will too...

Infact if it's molded into some " I THINK THIS IS RELEVANT" think then it will most likely suck.

SO stop thinking like that.

the pcp is very hard on days like this...

I WANT TO BINGE MY CREATIVE/anti creative PAINS AWAY...

EVEN ON FRUIT...

actually i find myself in my dreams with a large bowl of dates and figs and the worlds best fruits and im just gorging....at the start of the pcp I had the same dream but with giant cakes...

I JUST WANT A FRUIT BINGE.

A FIG OR TWO OR THREE OR FOUR.

OH WOE IS ME.

Well.....

off to frolick with bed bugs and tea, and then the rest of my work out. Did jump rope right when I woke up, while watching spiderman.

Side note, have been doing exra tricep dips in replace of katana, literally can't do one katana, even with band on one foot. Don't know what's going on there.

hush yourself royce.

FREEEEEZE.

UPDATE: finaly reading " ignore everybody"...mood changed...inspires again...back to writing

To stay with tradition...it is WEDNESDAY HATE DAY!

2010-07-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

BAH i don't know what it is with every wednesday! I have such a clear pcp cycle. SAT, SUN, MONDAY, TUESDAY and FRIDAY im always very hardcore and looking forward to the workout. BUT EVERY wednesday and thursday it's THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO IN THE WORLD. It's not like theres anything different on wed or thurs that makes it more difficult to work out. I just have a very lazy temperment on those two days every week and am on attack mode. Hibernation mode.

I didn't even bring my A game creative BLAST to my magician meeting with the fabulous Maria.

Even writing today made me angry...all the ideas that spewed forward from my head were SHITE...
maybe fromnow on I wont post on wednesdays to spare you all from my rage blog posts. But I already started this post...so...WEOOO.

SO every day I do my workout in the mornings....EXCEEEEPT wednesdays...I just can't bother at ALL and save it till the end.

The workout was good...shoulder excercises annoy me...only because i struggle with them so much.

What really got me angry was i tried to do one V set and let out an agonizing scream because aparantly I bruised my tale bone the last time doing V sets and didn't notice until today when I had to do one. God...sore ass...So I wiggled around for a bit pretending I was doing it right then ended up doing sit ups instead. Now i'm drinking Tea and am about to meditate into a candle flame.

Flame flame take me away, take me away far awaaay into the future we will go, where we end up NO ONE KNOWS.

DAY 29

2010-06-30T00:08:00.001-07:00

WAXEY DROPPINGS AND TENDRIL CIRCUS LOLLY'S, MY DEARS.

interesting things in life are blooming

good health is opening up a whole faucet of changes...physical is just one factor.

Learning I have the power to change myself completely by just adjusting the habits of my eating and adding in an excercise really makes me feel like I have the absolute power to do anything...it's really making me GO for it in other areas...especialy the creative sides.

All coming together.

I'm Loving all your blogs.

Loving all your willpower.

LOVING the new diet...

apple , banana, egg white and milk smoothie....tastes actually SINFUL, more so than any indulgence.

Back and shoulders are still my weakest area by a lot.

They will improve though.

Tea time

Off too sleep.

Hello gorgeous Day 27

2010-06-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

MY what a DREADfully exhausting day.

My summoning of Hermes the god of the BIG IDEA...worked.....6 HOURS AFTER THE FACT...after the initial ceremony....in the bloody middle of the DAMN NIGHT
...1 AM...when I had to work in 4 hours.

FLOOD OF THOUGHTS, FLOOD OF CONCEPTS, FLOOD OF A-HA MOMENTS.

I got what I asked for in abundance.

Does anyone know if there were any Black Vikings? perhaps i'll research thouroughly tonight...just curious.

Oh yes...SO I couldn't stop writing for 3 hours...NATURALLY in this state you can't just turn it off! it's literally IMPOSSIBLE! You just have to go with the flow and hope the coming day will treat you fair.

It did and didn't
The workout today was beautiful though....except v sits still very awkward...and i couldn't do even ONE double katana. Maybe i'll get a 5 pound resistance band now...NOT EVEN ONE...It could also be my muscle fatigued due to lack of sleep. I found pushups more difficult than usual today as well. I did do the Tricep dips in replace of the double katana, I could handle those.

Anyway I found the best bread in the world today.

EZEKIEL LOW SODIUM BREAD....there is literealy 5 sprouted grain ingredients and by low sodium they mean NO SODIUM. ZERO . ZILCH. and zero sugar. IT'S AMAZING. excited to have bread in replace of quinoa for my carbs.

Todays lunch is, chili powder kale chips , chicken jalepeno salad sandwhich.

Absolutely thrilled to devour it.

OH GAWD, JUST MADE THE 2 sandwhiches. SO DIVINE...best thing ever eaten.

AHEM...Indulgence(s) round 1- Day of the Drones

2010-06-26T15:48:00.000-07:00

Any excuse to let old forgotten drawings of mine breath a little outside of the cupboard.

SO I had my indulgences today and immediately I went to the library to channel Hermes, the messenger god of the BIG IDEA ( Grant Morrisons POP! magic technique for subconcious masterpeices). For a story i'm working on. Before I got into the possession I took out my MUK BOOK ( journal of the damned: My diary of expelsion, neurotics and fancy little things like Loves me loves me not's and future shoes I'de love to wear) and immediately wrote down my findings. The following is the said entry:

June 26, 2010...MUK BOOK

Had my first indulgences today.

It's part of the PCP, but I figure once a month is good in general.

Was the Victoria Jazz fest today, the hunger was in the air, street venders played horns, drums and handed out delicious delights...Since this is the worlds hippie hipster capital, Lot's of the snacks where organic apetizers.

Indulgences:

1 large peanut butter chocolate cookie

10 g Small appetizer oatmeal chocolate ball

1 chocolate hersheys kiss sized RAW chocolate heart shaped bliss Drop.

1 10 g square shaped Raw organic coconut cream cacao chocolate bar

Yes, I went overboard...probably around 500-600 calorie range.

First 2 items I got from the bakery accross the st.

Flavour was minimum....Like chewing a flour flavored instant dissolving gum ball.

Why was this appealing? But it was. I loved the doughy texture as I chewed it.

Small Raw food treats followed.

The raw food bakery is near China town...I wanted to compare the Organic raw indulgences with the recognizable to everyone indulgences...OK I WAS ON AN INDULGENCE HIGH...Oh I wanted to CHEW THE WORLD FOR EVER!

These two small droppings of cosmic orgasm where just that... on the COSMIC SCALE.

Effects: Felt nothing after the first two standard bakery treats.

20 minutes after the more rich raw food treats, I felt like utter shit.

I felt a tired that needed to be accompanied with a large blanket and a nap immediately.

The conclusion is this: These really are TREATS with an underline, bold, and italic scream.

No part of the body benefits from this. Barely the mind. Only the tongue, but not so much that it's neccessary for constant consumption.

You could not live an active life with TREATS as your fuel or you would be at 10 % alertness and 10 % creativity.

The thing is MOST of us DO choose TREATS as our main source of fuel.

TREATS should be treated like a good hallucinagenic drug. Perhaps even ritually like the Brazilian Rainforest Shaman's and their participant's use of the spiritually charged/plant based Ayahuasca drug.

TREATS are there for charge of taste...and taste alone.

Daily ayahuasca would lead an average man to insanity/Madness.

Daily TREATS will lead a man in the opposite direction, but only opposite in the way a baby is opposite to an old man in the newest high tech wheelchair with built in diaper replacement. Different but very much the same.

A dulled out madness. Drone like. Sleepwalking with a body meant for a Gel-stuffed pull n'stretch carnival prize.

5 DOLLARS! GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT! HIT THE BALL IN THE HOLE AND WIN ONE OF OUR MANY PRIZES! THE PRIZE WILL NEVER BE CHERISED; DESTINED FOR TRASH OR ATTIC AND IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT EQUAL TO A LASTING SET OF ABDOMINALS FIT FOR THE FINEST OF MANNEQUINS.

Summary deux: TREATS are drugs. They aren't even part of the cool set of drugs that spawn histories most fabulous writers, designers and experimental intellectuals. They don't make you want to wipe your love all over the world, or even the temporary desire to TAKE IT OVER (COME ON, YOU'RE UNSTOPPABLE!). Therefore the side effects don't sum greater than the taste/procedure and should be eaten less or equal to even a line of coke.

Atleast with the line of coke you could use the excuse that you needed the speedy effects to properly channel the diety Hermes for his brilliant ability for myth writing; One of Grant Morrison's side suggestions.)

TREATS are not the food for kings, but the food for his servents:
Once a month seems proper to commit yourself to a day of slavery: Michael Jackson's latest new scandals, your favorite new reality show, Those designer label jeans you NEED NEED NEED, and a few cookies for the sealed stamp of approval to your arrangement with the Lord Drones.

Most of the time...living as a king is a fitting life.

Royce J.B. Edvardsen

FLOPPITY FLOP A -FLOP FLOP FLOP

2010-06-25T23:31:00.000-07:00

BAhahahah, v sets, GOD. I did them so humurously horrendously.
the first 5 where like " WOW, I CAN DO THIS, I REALLY FEEL IT THEM MY ABS" everything after that was an awkward thrashing that led to no sensation. just Like a fish flopping on the ground. The last sets was literaly just that, me flopping around on the floor, LEGS UP, un coordinated with arms, thrashing on the bottom of a boat with the fishermans hook still in my cheek. I just laughed the whole last set, hopeless. I'll get better i am sure ( hopefully)

Back home in victoria...
forgot to tell roommate I went to saturn for 3 days....Last time I saw him I told him I was going to the cementary to do some occult shite. So he thought I was abducted by an alien or something.

Trying to light some insense....lighter is out of fluid...riddance.

I enjoyed the workout tonight. faster, efficiant, hard...except the v sets....i mean they were hard...just not efficient for me tonight haha.

Tommorow I will indulgence...though i feel pain in doing so...because i feel like im not losing fat at all...i have a bodytype that wants to hang onto it, till the bitter end. I feel like mymuscles are developing, but the fat just WONT go ANYWHERE. I'm VERY strict with the eating and do the jumpropes with fluidity. So i am annoyed that I look the same as last week.
Think this week workout underwear is drenched in sloppy waterbottle drinking...still not pee accident YET. Perhaps next week i'll be more classy.

Silence: School is in session

2010-06-24T18:20:00.001-07:00

Saturna elementary school...The same...since...forever...except now it has a swing set.

I HAD a rather beautiful day.

God I love this island. I got up in the morning , went down to that old dock at the bottom of a moss and grass covered forest . I did my jump ropes with a divine finesse , only breaking twice for 5 seconds and tripping zero times. Jumping was simply gorgeous with the ocean 5 feet away from you and a view of mountainous blankets of forest and green-blue water.

SUN IS bright...

I went inside, made tea and asked my granny if she had any of papa's shirts I could borrow while he was at work, preferably something that wont fit me like a tent.

p.s. I love how he wears absolutely any t shirt with no regards to what it says.

Today his shirt was " QUEEN ELIZABETH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL" which he has never had any association with whatsoever.

She found this extremely tight white t shirts and At first I thought MUCH TOO TIGHT, then I tried them on and DAMN IT, I DID NOT LOOK BAD AT ALL. I looked svelte, thin. I didn't appear to have man boobs...but almost...a sheen of muscle...It was all rather beautiful.

Then I went to the one room elementary school I took from grade 3-5 ( after grade 5 we had to take a 45 minute boat ride to another island every morning and after school, because the other island had the school for grade 5-8....high school was on yet ANOTHER island and consisted of an hour and a half boat ride there and then again at night time....luckily I only went to the high school for one year and transferred to a posh boarding school in the mountains....o the days of luxury....when I actually slept in a bed and not the floor).

I used the schools bars for the pull up, unsuccessful, luckily one of the lower bars was perfect for inclined pull up. The other exercises where efficient.

I found the plank too easy, so I held for 45 seconds. I was doing it correctly. I did a lot of planks before the PCP...so I find I'm used to them. Usually start feeling it at a minute...so maybe I'll hold it for a minute each from now on...Although I know we will work up to 90 seconds...maybe I should enjoy the 30...but if i don't feel it it's useless...so I'll settle for 50...a middle ground...yes.

ahaha THE SHOULDER raise, i think its called. what a joke my shoulder muscles are. Lifting the bands that high was a pitiful sight to witness, I am sure. I did my best. I have absolutely horrible back and shoulder muscles.

All in all the workout was beautiful...all in the blazing sunlight and now I am eating a large chicken salad.

Tonight I will watch the stars for the first time in in 7 years.

GOOD DAY and good effort to everyone.

Checkin in..where we headed? Abs o'course o'course o'course

2010-06-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

OK, so mood is a turn around from yesterday.

I arrived on the soil that brought orbit to my life.

I wouldn't exactly thank the island for my mood change...I was just reading a passage from a book on Magick that reminded me of my cause.

A magician is someone who consciously wills his actions to coordinated with the will in his head.
Everything willed to meet that vision of self is MAGICK.

if you want white teef, it is magick to get up every day and perform an action of brushing your teeths to bring it into being. You want perfect body and health, then the spell and magick is simply performing every single day the acts that = that effect.

What is not magick is all our actions that lead to the opposite of the vision we see of ourselves in our head...THE actions of Habit..are not magick: binging, smoking etc...in excess they will lead you absolutely no where but the opposite of where you want to be.

SO TODAY. I PERFORMED MAGICK...and a little bit of Non magick ( I reached for a few more grapes and strawberries than my alloted daily amount of fruit).

The magick did outweigh the non-magick...as it has since i've started this PCP.

I'm at my grandmothers house: There is doughnuts everywhere...bags of chips...home made lasagna....homemade cookies EVERYWHERE!! SO UNIVERSE...PLEASE FORGIVE MY 5 GRAPES!!!!

In fact, i associate grandmothers house with binging. Every time I came here in the past I used it as an excuse to eat excessively ...this is hard journay indeed.

The beautiful thing about saturna is the old docks and such you find in the dense Forrest. I found an old wooden platform by an ocean lookout, roofed in dense trees and arbutus. There was a family of otters playing on the dock....They didn't move when I picked it as my place to do my exercises. They just frolicked right beside me while I screamed with hatred.

I think the reason I get so angry at strength training...is that so many of the exercises I can't do well enough to even get a burn. I get to failure way before the burn...and i have 3 exercise bands...one VERY light, one medium, one harder. Tricep dip is one of them. I get to failure so fast that I can't get the damn burn. shoulder Raise is another. I can't lift it up all the way. LEG RAISES..NOW..ok...they always almost bring me to tears....and NOT because my abs are on fire...because I DO 15 on my first set, AND THEN MY LEGS GIVE OUT AND THAT IS IT and then I have to try my absolute hardest to even raise them in the air for 3 MORE SETS, and by that point i'm not even doing them for my abs because it becomes absolutely impossible to adequately lift my legs efficiently enough to even effect my abs. I end up just trying my best to finish the numbers.

I just wish I was stronger is all. I guess that's the whole point of this anyway though.

I'm really excited to start new exercises tomorrow. Hmm...I wonder where I can find a pull up bar on this island...perhaps a tree will do.

Sorry for my Bummed out last few posts...I've been constipated for 4 days...the irritable factor is on an all time high right now....maybe i'll erase all that complaining rant I just wrote...hmm no...must keep it raw..no matter what...for future reflection...

DINNER TIME DAHLINGS....hmm...first must find pikture on google to post...yes yes...perhaps an otter will do.

Trials of the BATMEN

2010-06-22T20:50:00.000-07:00

Artwork courtesy of my favorite Pencil magician, Frank Quitely

Workout today was FINE.
I'm not enthusiastic about them anymore...
I don't mind the jump rope at all.
The strength training makes me want to break things though. I wish I could be one of those calm cool and focused types...For me, doing 5 sets of squats makes me want to scream. I just get bored. I really can't wait till the Jumps...for something new. The V sets too...I don't mind sit ups at all though, I seem to do them efficiently enough.

Still doing inclined pull ups. Can do barely 3 regular pull ups, which I guess is better than one.

Maybe the dread of the workout is normal. I hate that I can't get over it. Batman trains from morning till night...I guess you have to if you're the damn BATMAN...I can too though, I need to be in great physical shape for the things I want to take on in the future... I just wish I looked forward to it so it's not this overbearing challenge every damn day to start.

I'm ridiculous. I just feel angry. Angry Hermit syndrome. Friend just called me to hang out for drinks at some bar i've never heard of...I had this war adrenalyn pumping through me because I just finished a workout. I just wanted to attack him. So I hung up and made some tea and chugged the scolding hot green chai so as to give my insides a steambath/cooling down period.

too eccentric for my own good sometimes...

I'm finding this rage to be a pattern. Every tuesday or wednesday I'm rather enraged and write long complaining blogs...then I ease down until monday where the blog posts are more pleasant.

Maybe my built up constipation is to blame for the current mood.

I'M LOVING THE AMAYW VEGGIES for lunch. I had a large chicken , quinoa salad today and a small bowl of kale chips seasoned with a chili lemon powder.

Batman is a Zen master, Master detective, Kung fu king, qabbala/occult /forensic genius...He even has back up personalities when the evil DR.HURT learns to switch his dominant one off.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE TO BE A WIMP HERE....

On the plus side, I feel proud of myself so far. There has been one slip up and I more than made up for it. Everything else has been absolutely to the point without the slightest hint of straying...though I blame that on some undiagnosed disorder of some kind...probably wouldn't hurt me to stray a little...OF COURSE IT WOULD...Ok i'll stop this blog post before it can even further be used as evidence for some future where I am to be commited to asylum for insanity.

Much looking forward to my yogurt tonight/ sprinkle of berries and 2 sundried figs.

Tonight I am traveling to the 5th dimension for a look around...will report my findings tommorow.

Saturna Island

Tommorow I return to my place of origins, Saturna Island, for two days. I think it will give me a good refreshing boost. It always does. It's sort of like Twin peaks meets Jurrasic park. There is no place like it.

Royce J.B. Edvardsen

SHAME

2010-06-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

So I didn't post yesterday for a reason...the reason? UTMOST GUILTY, SHAME, FEAR, HORROR.

You see, I spent the night lost in my books again, having left the dreaded workout till the dead dreaded end, I never leave it all till the end, ever. I do my jump rope every morning, then breakfast, lunch, then i'll wait a while before I do the strength training, then ill eat dinner a bit after that.

Anyway...yesterday I left it ALL till the night " ROYCE YOU CAN EASILY DO STRENGTH TRAINING, THEN JUMP ROPE, GO TO EAT DINNER, SLEEP FOR 9 HOURS, EXCELLENT..GOOD SHOW"

Anyway after a walk around the Chinese cemetary with my friend Willow the wise witchboy of Oak Bay...I got deep into the study of the Tree of Life Sun god Tiphereth...How our Microcosms always reflect the macrocosms of the universe. A cell reflects a person, reflects a planet, reflects a star, reflects a galaxy and so on and so on.

So like a cell, where they all have a specific job to do in their life (...and i'm SURE many of them scatter about aimlessly not knowing what their life purpose is as well, while the hardworking ones carry all the weight), I beleive we all have a specific absolute purpose to carry out, Our first job is finding it and then cutting everything out that doesn't help us reach that purpose and perfect it. ( ed. I don't mean anything like CHOSEN ONE, purpose...more like a path were you will Shine extremely bright in...Banker/ Butcher/Artist/Parent...All great purposes")

What is interesting....during this process of Health/fitness I seem to really be .....falling into place...as if the purpose is all about ready to smack me in the face...It's as if I've been mising something ALL along and i'm so stupid not to realize to find it all I had to do was excercise.

Anyway..I did the strength training, HATED THE LEG RAISES WITH PASSIONATE HATE, I ABSOLUTELY HATE THEM, I'LL SAY IT OVER AND OVER haha DETEST, LOATHE!!! near the second set, I can barely lift my legs, and all reps after that are just me trying to lift my legs rather than work my abs. I need to do them more though to get better at them, that I know....

Then came..Jump rope.

I was going to do them by the moonlight in the totem pole forrest...when I got there, there was stars and just PITCH BLACKNESS...I felt very scared all of a sudden and left...YES

I DIDN'T DO MY JUMP ROPES YESTERDAY, I FELT A GUILT LIKE I KILLED A MAN!

I spent an hour walking around the streets thinking of an excuse to post on this blog, I HAD NONE, i left it till it was TOO LATE!!!

I refused to blog until I have made it up with excercise...So today in the morning I did 1000 jumps and then in the evening a few hours after lunch, I did another 1000 jumps. THERE ,I AM WORTHY AGAIN! MAY THIS MISTAKE NEVER HAPPEN TWICE!

Anyway, today was good: I too am mixing my berries with my milk and egg for a smoothie. I bought a chili powder today which makes everything taste delicious.

Also...nonfat yogurt has a lot of sugar in it, nothing added. But I frown at its nutritional contents and eat it anyway.

ANYWAY: A TOAST , HOLD YOUR SMOOTHIES HIGH! A TOAST TO OUR PATH OF HEALTH, PEAK CONDITION, SOLIDIFYING OUR PURPOSE AND BEING EFFICIENT HUMAN BEINGS FOR THE REST OF THE TIME WE HAVE HERE TO PLAY OUT THESE AMAZING LITTLE CHARACTERS AND STORYLINES.

LOVE,

Royce

p.s. Hot shoes...courtesy of Jack and Jill.com

DAY 19- Almost a HE-MAN

2010-06-20T01:32:00.000-07:00

oh GOD, this feels like i've been doing this all my life now.

DAY NINETEEN,

ONE more DAY until 20!

MY VACATION WEEK STARTS TODAY!

tommorows plans? Toy story 3 and then Trueblood. Possibly a little beach, poosssibly.

Yes ...should get into sun more, good idea.

I want some adventure in my life. I'm treating this week as the pilot to the new series of my life, I'll set the ground work this week for everything that will follow it.

I hope I don't get too comfortable in my vacation and come back and quit my job.

Naw, Guess I'de have to be rich for that. Too poor to quit being bag boy just yet.

OK, I'm annoyed with myself. I feel like I cheated, even though I obviously didn't cheat.

I bought some organic cottage cheese curds, like half a cup is 100 calories, 20 ml of salt, 5 sugars grams and 24 protein grams. I wanted to add a little something extra to my same meal I have had every meal.

I guess that's why I feel like i cheated? just because it's something new? even though it's perfectly more than alright on PCP. I hate that i'm just a perfectionist that way...even though the Irony is my perfectionism is going to lead me to have ulcers and become the least perfect of anyone.

YES ROYCE. COTTAGE CHEESE IS OK...DON'T FEEL GUILTY! JUST SPRINKLE THE DAMN CURDS ON THERE, IT IS OK!! IT'S ON THE FOOD LIST!

anyway, the cottage cheese made me feel a bit flemmy in the throat, and my nose ran for the first time during this whole process. So I'm thinking I should avoid it anyway.

Maybe just a liiittle bit.

past 2 nights I have been doing my excercises very late at night except jump rope which I do right when I wake up....I should stop this. Must do it earlier.

felt very tired today, just finished workout though, so Feel more energetic now.

Going to go make the dinner quickly, then watch HURT LOCKER, and then sleep in FOREVER because I can , thank you vacation.

You're all doing great! keep it up!

p.s. how much cottage cheese is too much?

DAY 18- Can smell the beauty around the corner.

2010-06-19T02:09:00.000-07:00

PCP as usual. Everything according to plan yes yes.

no thoughts of straying today.

no temptation.

Just did.

probably had my dinner too late though...but it was really good. oven baked organic chicken breast with red, yellow and orange mini bell peppers, some avacado, and kale, tomatoes, onion, cinnamon and lemon and apple cider vinegar drizzled on top. Tossed and was very delicious.

Tommorows my last day of work before vacation. REJOICE, REJOICE.

Bummed out, been doing divination all day to pass the time. I ching keeps telling me i'll spend 20 years in imprisonment, wrongfully accused starting 2013...served only rations of food by bad men...

I've spent last couple of hours asking it again and again until it tells me something more pleasant.

OH the sorrows of looking into the future and not getting what you want.

I'll toss it into a drawer now , how dare it not feed me blessing after blessing after blessing.

Atleast I wont be a fat prisoner though, right?

Thank you PCP, for making me look FAAABULOUS for 20-30 years of supposed, devined, psychic futures of IMPRISONMENT!

Nothing else to report for today.

Had day off. Wasted day devining and reading and eating chickens.

OK, TEAM SEXAY IT IS! haha PIKTURES

2010-06-18T00:38:00.000-07:00

New photos from two seconds ago.

OK as much as this day started with a horrible mentality... I have been complaining ALL WEEK, really. I had a VERY good rest of my day.

My energy was something I haven't felt in a long time, I was so speedy at work, got everything done with momentous speed and never once got tired , the day FLEW BY. THEY were remodeling the baking aisle and throwing away a heavy wooden cabinet frame with the print " BAKING NUT CENTER", AND i took it and carried it 45 minutes home on the street, now THAT was a back workout. I then came home and immediately did my 900 jump ropes in my living room at 11 30 at night, HOPE I DIDN'T WAKE ANYONE.

Then I showered and whiped on a belt and ran out to take piktures. SO I'M wet and it's not pee stain you see on my blue TIIIGHTS.

I am really noticing the difference, ESPECIALY from the pics now compared to the pics I DARE NOT SHOW THE INTERNETS. I feel like such an asshole , flexing. RIGHT BELOW THIS IS A PHOTO FROM JUST LAST WEEK!!!! I'M LIKE A BLOCK, no shape at all. IF YOU LOOK up at the recent ones at the top I'm getting a v curve in my middle where as before, JUST A RECTANGLE.two new ones from just now, FLEEXIN LIKE A MADMAN, under the rectangle pic. It's happening , it's getting there.

OH THE ENERGY, IS AMAZING! I'm beggining to look more awake as well.

Photo : just last week

Both new photos from just now now now.

p.s. this is what I dragged home from work. isn't it gorgeous? My roommate can't handle it...it's too out of the normal for him......god knows WHY! i'm going to use it to post all my story ideas and plot outliness, or perhaps as a bed post.

AND IS IT PI'ED PIPERS OR TEAM SEXAY?

The Great Pi'ed Pipers

2010-06-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

What is WITH ME this week!?

I have to say i'm very proud of myself for doing everything my best and when I don't feel like i got the right burn I go to failure, I do it again ( except the squats and lunges...i feel like ide be doing them for 40 minutes if i went to failure, so I just hold them in place at the end until I want to die). My Diet has been A PLUS PLUS PLUS, i'm very strict with it and don't even try to spice it up. it's yummy though, so it's not a problem. SO EVEN in this state of really not wanting to do anything and just relax and read books, I'm very thankful in myself that I push through and give it my all when I could just be half assing it to get it over with ( but then what would be the point?).

That said, I'm just really annoyed with myself in my sudden dissinterest...it's just ridiculous. If I were to drop the program today, i'de go down to bubbies bakery, get a carrot cake then buy lots of junk at market, gorge self on treats while I sat comfortably and read books and plotted out stories to be told. Then within 3 days i'de look in the mirror and go " Royce...you NEED to start excercising, you NEED to get fit..." then i'de go online and google some 12 week fitness regime and start all over again. Only to go back to the junk in 2 weeks.

OK..I NEED TO PULL MYSELF BACK IN TIME TO THAT MOMENT IN THE MIRROR and remind myself why I AM HERE, DOING THIS. THIS IS 3 MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE. THREE MONTHS, THAT IS IT! HOW MANY THREE MONTHS HAVE YOU LIVED?! LOTS! AND THIS 3 MONTHS WILL CHANGE EVERYTHING forever! SO STOP THINKING LIKE THAT! PUSH THROUGH! this. IS. WHAT. YOU. WANT!

ok...today is the first day I split up jump ropes and workout. I just finished my workout...couldnt do one pull up, but i sure did try, did the other incline pull up instead.

I tried to get into jump rope right after and within the first minute i stumbled 20 times and I was going to attack the furniture and walls and citizens of Victoria so I took a deep breath and walked away. I don't want to substitute it for anything else, i'm perfectly capable of doing the jump rope, the failure is only in my head. I'll get back to it when I get off work tonight, I'll do another late night in the park jumping my heart out with an audience of ghosts.

I think it's the no relaxation time that is setting my mind into a crumble. I got second job on my days off now and with the PCP i feel like i'm either at work, preparing a meal , or working out...So i am very glad my vacation starts in 2 days and i'll have a week where I can just focus on creativity and the PCP.

YOU'RE ALL DOING GREAT!

Team Name :The PI'ed Pipers

haha sounds like a group of henchman from the old 70's batman tv show, where the villain would be like MR.FLUTE or something

WELL BATMAN, LETS SEE HOW YOU DO AGAINST MY PI'ED PIPERS!

but PI is the I-ching hexagon of UNITY AND CO OPERATION = SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME AND GOAL, that I pulled when I oracled the PCP outcome...

whatever, something with PI in it.

UPDATE: INFURIATING, just went to make egg milk cinnamon blend, no eggs left....will have to eat my own egg tonight after jump rope. THE RAAAAAGE

Secrets of the BATCAVE!

2010-06-17T00:59:00.000-07:00

BAH, so I found this amazing book on my shelf I have never read before simply called THE OCCULT: THE HISTORY OF MAGIC by COLIN WILSON.

Fucking Fantastic.

I actually have not put it down all day.

this means I left my workouts to the DREARY END of the night. Just now, at 11 pm.

Did them with dread. The leg raises where KILLER, I could barely lift my legs up to do them , it effected my legs more than my abs, just trying to lift them up.

Tried to do one pull up tonight to train for tommorow...couldn't do ONE, not even HALF of one, not even an inch off the ground. ARGH!!! ABSOLUTELY NO MOVEMENT UPWARDS! We'll see tommorow. maybe that one prepared my body for tommorow and tommorow i'll just fly through them.

Went to the haunted park to do my jump rope , infront of the old victorian hospital building, made my scared....jump rope sucked tonight, just like yesterday.

these passt 2 days I feel like i've gotten a good workout, but i've REALLY REALLY REALLY been reluctant to do them. I HAVE though, even to the point of pushing myself till im dead, so i have no laziness when i do them. I just don't WANT to do them.

I need to get back into the mindset I had when i started this. I was finaly cleaning my room tonight , going to get back into drawing ( wanted a clean slate of a room), old bags of chips and chocolate bar wrappers and smarties boxes EVERYWHERE. I Picked up an old bag of pringles gorumet selection shit and was like " THESE WHERE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ABS WILL EVER BE!!!" ......WHY WOULD i think this way!? 15 days ago i would be looking in the mirror and would sacrifice anything for a fit body...Now i'm saying a bag of useless pringles that made me feel like absolute SHIT would make me feel better than abs.

Mind needs a major rehaul.

I will never give up though, I'm in this for the long haul of course.

BUT I AM GOING TO COMPLAIN A LOT , WHEN I NEED TO ...WHICH SEEMS TO BE OFTEN haha.

Anyway i'm going to start working on my own story next week during my vacation week: So I want a clean room ,mind to do it.

Diet is ALWAYS the same...I actually eat same bowl of food for every meal ( according to the grams of things given to me of course) , always same ingredients though. I should switch things up some day. It's good though.

Victoria, I discovered, is a very old home to occult mysteries and there is even a secret city under this small city. I made a craigslist ad for like minded folks to team up and explore our subconcious' together. I'm excited, getting intelligent replies.

I'll be the team leader, so A perfect body is neccessary.

I'll take a tip from the occult on visualization.
During my workouts from now on i'll pretend i'm Batman or one of the X-men, and I'm in DANGER ROOM or BATCAVE training, i'll pretend so SO HARD that my body beleives 100 percent it is in that setting, So I will train to breaking point and stop thinking about how much I don't want to be there doing that. Now I HAVE to be there doing that because I have to go out to Fight the Joker or Magneto after, right?

What a useless old rant of nothing, sorry you had to read that.

Later Gators, I'm going to bed.

Hate and good fortune

2010-06-15T13:24:00.000-07:00

I was really not feeling it today!

I did not want to get up.

I did not want to do anything whatsoever.

BUT

I DID

I did the whole workout , sometimes with much greif and rage and wanting to throw the resistant bands at the wall and at the stupid tv in the room and the stupid window and the stupid city and slap everyone in the city with my resistant band until they all had red welts on their arms and legs from my RESISTANT BAND FURY!!!!!

Anyway, the workout was a success, If I didn't have to post a blog or had people knowing I was doing this and other people going through this with me. I would not have done anything today.

but: SUCCESS...except my mood.

EXCEPT: the jump rope....what the HELL was with that today! every 5 steps I tripped. or stumbled and that never happens. Everything was OFF BALANCE, THE WHOLE THING, the rope kept swinging right like a magnetic force was pulling it. Did 900 though, with rage on my mind. I look thinner in the mirror. My chest doesn't feel sore as much as I think it should for maximum pecs. I find push ups extremey hard. Always push through and do them till I can't do them anymore, though.

I must work on the balance of my concious/subconciouss self more than anything. The workouts and diet will get me success, no doubt. I do them how they should be done, I eat how I am told. Success will be had. Cause and effect, there is no way there wont be success. But i'll be in the exact same rut and dissorganization as i started if I don't start working on the calming of my worries and thoughts. I keep thinking " MAN when this is over, I'm totally going to GORGE AND BINGE ON that carrot cake i'm dying for" ...then I might as well just give up now if those are my thoughts....I want to be one of those people who does not lust for that JUNk and SHIT but is absolutely happy living a healthy lifestyle.

Must work on mind as well as body during this process.

In lighter news I asked the I -CHING ( worlds oldest form of oracle/fortune telling method) about the success I'll have on the PCP journay ( as well as a million other questions, I realized I had all these OLd I -CHING books in my personal library , dusted them off to look into something i haven't explored before yet)

I pulled out the Hexagon # 8 of UNITY/ CO-ORDINATION

" Those whose heart are troubled assemble. The Laggards suffer disaster

Unity brings good fortune by ensuring the support and willing obedience of susbordinates.

Righteous persistance will bring good fortune.

Results will not be dissapointing.

Co operating with people beyond immediate circle and righteous persistance will bring good fortune. Co operation with such people and leading them into virtuous ways must be accomplished by working through their leader ( PATRICK??)."

haha and the last line...I love...

"Although the local people were not warned , the ruler adopts a fair and liberal policy."

I find it interesting...the co operating with people outside your immediate circle to reach the desired results and DO as your told to reach them.

seems accurate enough. Though i'm a bad interpreter of these hexagram sayings...it also goes on and on about EVIL THIS, evil that...but i'll focus on the good fortune.

Later dahlings...Eating breakfast now then running away to my favorite of all place. work work.

GOOD FORTUNE FOR US ALL!

DAY 14 POst post

2010-06-14T21:12:00.001-07:00

Thank You for JUMPING, my Friend

LISSSEEEN

not much to report today.

went to work.

discovered fish tastes better when i wrap in in tin foil stuff when I bake it....as apposed to drying it to hell like I did before.

did Jump rope to some woody allen movie playing on tv.

everytime I jump rope I do it to whatever movie is playing on tv at the time.

SO far my jump rope partners have been : Benjamin button, The Golden Girls, and well...yeah It's usually the Golden girls that I jump too...except yesterday it was Dr.Who....i only seen one episode of Dr. Who...it looks like my kind of shit...I should more.

Jump rope went good.

usually have to take ten second breaks after every 200-400 I do depending on the day.

will work past that soon.

I was going to go to the beach now to try Shamanic Journeying.....been reading a lot about it....Looks delicious.

it's raining though.

I guess I could find shelter in the Totem pole forrest near the beach.....but that's where the old men go for sexually explicit behaviours and it gives me the shivers knowing they'll be around doing what they are doing while I try to travel to other realms ....Or maybe the energies will charge my universe traveling powers.

Hmm seems too exciting for tonight.

maybe will just read book and rest.

yes,

rest

good.

Now THAT was a workout!

2010-06-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

WEOO WEOO WEOOO TRUE BLOODS TOnight

DAMN! I'm really thankful for Patricks e-mail yesterday about resistance and muscle training.

Before I would do the reps assigned to me as best I could, regardless of wether there was a burn at the end or not.

Now I have a goal to work towards with every single excercise.

Today I really went for that goal. With every one of workouts. If i didn't feel the burn, I went forward until I felt it, and then failure. Sometimes it took a lot more reps than assigned, but it was worth it.

I felt like this is what every workout from this point forward should feel like.

the shoulder excercise i think was the least succesful, i did the excercise over and over and didn't get to the burn point, not nearly as much as the da vincis. Did get to failure though. NO burn, WHATS UP WIT DAT!

today was a hard day before my workout. I got like 5 hours and 45 minutes of sleep. I ont even blame work, my alarm clock was set to give me 6 and a half hours, but my body just woke me up way before that. So that made bad thoughts come in head all day. the staff room had 3 large boxes of the biggest bags of potatoe chips for its staff. LIKE THE BIGGEST Bags. I WANTED TO DIG IN AND GORGE AND EAT THEM ALL and then I wanted to QUIT the PCP and run off and buy carrot cake, I HAD ENOUGH. Then I settled down and was like "LISSEN ROYCE...YOU KNOW YOU AIN'T gonna quit this so Stop LYing to your dumb self"...I smartened up. Temptation for chips vanished...then I realized why I had all those awful thoughts of quitting and binge eating...This is the exact point I have always quit all of my health goal regimes.

This exact point...

No way in hell I'm ever going to quit this one....I'll probably have a lot more moments Like I had this morning though.....I'm in this for the long haul though.

UNSTOPPABLE!!

I'm so happy such an awful day turned into the best workout since this thing began.

And no...the temptation of the chippies didn't tempt me enough to actually have one...I stayed to the diet to the exact.

There will be temptation but i will NEVER act on it, I vow that.

CONGRATS ON TEAM " NO NAME" FOR MAKING IT 2 WEEKS!

and the running rats for making it 60 days!

New season of the true blood tonight...Dying in anticipation...

GOODNIGHT Y'ALL

p.s....I actually had a panic attack today because Quinoa has 1 gram more of fat than rice per serving and it's been my carb so far and i was so stressed it would RUIN EVERYTHING haha....I need to get back into meditation....

LEVEL UP!

2010-06-12T23:34:00.000-07:00

One of the things I think is really cool about the PCP is that it brings me back to the first role playing games I played on the playstation waaaay back in the daaay.

You have the little bar at the front of the PCP home page that shows how many days you have gone...it reminds me of a character LEVEL UP bar from a video game.

Each day I do PCP I imagine I just got a LEVEL UP...but you CAN'T GET that level until you complete the daily mission of diet, sleep and feeeling the muscle burn and pushing past it.

when my muscles are in burn mode I just picture back in the day of my mashing my fingers on buttons during some In game battle, in hopes of defeating the nameless soldier/monster and getting my level up! MASH MASH MASH MASH/BURN BURN BURN BURN...same thing.

Everything went dandy today. No complaints. Did everything and maybe a little more.
I notice a bit of muscle growth on me, still Have all my fat though. I haven't noticed a change in that yet. But it's only 12 days. It kind of makes me want to jump rope more...but I'll listen ....I usually do more anyway...but just like 200 more. Maybe I should sneak it more??

LEVEL UP DANCE, WEOOOO WEOOO

P.S. thank you all for your great replies to my last post, they were all excellent and brightened my day and night and enternity...ATLEAST until tommorow.

Tired Toad Croaks

2010-06-11T20:39:00.001-07:00

I'm with Elena.

Been so exhausted all day and yesterday and day before.

I'm usually never tired ever ...and never like this.

I'm worried about saturday nights now, since 8 hours a night is a must for us.

On saturday I'm only allowed 6 hours of sleep because i close at 11 and have to be up at 6 am for the opning shift. Ever other day i can get more than enough sleep except damn saturday. I have this personality that needs to do it PERFECTLY or it'll really aggrevate me. So it's really bothering me and sending my mind racing. " WHAT IF BECAUSE I ONLY GET 6 HOURS THIS NIGHT MY MUSCLES WILL GET STRINGY AND I'LL LOOK LIKE AN ELONGATED ALIEN AT THE END OF THIS!?!?! AHH!"

Today: excercises went good

as for food , ive really only eaten the same meal for every meal:

Quinoa for my carbs

assorted raw veggies for my veggies

black tiger prawns or fish for my protein

apple cider vinegar / or lemon is my only seasoning, with dill.

we have lots of strawberries at the market now, so those are my fruitsource for now.

weoo weoo

did nothing all day after workout. sat around and moped. Was contemplating calling my dear old friend Andrew in Toronto....But i don't have anything new to tell anyone and it's my biggest fear: being boring...so I witheld the call till I have something to say.

as much as I would like it to, telling people I'm doing PCP isn't something that sparks conversation but instead I tend to get an annoying response from it.

" THIS ISN'T SAFE!"

" THIS SEEMS REALLY SHALLOW...you are FINE HOW YOU ARE!! NATURAAAL! ABS ARE FAKE!!!!" ( this quote from a particular uneducated man I run in to...from time to time)

" WOULDN'T YOU RATHER HAVE AN AMAZING PERSONALITY THAN A GREAT BODY?"

one or THE OTHER? REAAALLY? YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE? DID NOT KNOW THAAT!

well goodBYE then personality! nice to HAVE MET YOU AND known you and BEEN with you! guess i'm choosing BODY!

" i DON'T trust this INTERNET thing ROyce...it's probably a SCAM SCAM SCAM!"

" GO TO A GYM , JOIN A GYM!!! YOU CAN'T GET FIT WITHOUT A GYM!"

" ARE YOU STILL DOING THAT STUPID DIET?!"

" ARE YOU ANOREXIC?! YOU NEED A PSYCHIATRIST!"

Infact every single person has been negative towards this/or unphased completely at me doing this except my dear friend/worst enemy/ arch nemesis Scott Koza.

So thank you dear Scott and thank you for reading my blog every day and sending me supportive notes and suggestions to my faceboook.

It's most appreciated dear.

Thank you wonderful members of PCP as well!! We are all doing great it seems and NOTHING WILL STOP US!

OK: going to go buy a chicken, ran out of protein yet again. two times at meat counter in one day.

Night Night dahlings

side note: I would be completely fine if I had no ones support from my outside ( of internet) life to do this.. I know what we are doing here is right and good...got all the support I need here anyway...I'm just curious as to why health goals are reacted to so negatively ( least from my experience).

P.S. I HAVE AN extreme CRAVING for MOIST BEEF FRESH HAMBURGER MEAT .....I haven't had red meat in ...god......since i was 15 years old? I NEVER have craved it. Today though, I really REALLY want to bite into a cow.

SNARL! Day 10

2010-06-11T00:30:00.000-07:00

this is my 4th day of ever having purchased protein/meat ( only fishes and black tiger prawns, so far) ..still need to figure out ways to sort of budget with this...but that's hardly an issue. What bothers me is when i plan for a day and buy 200 g of halibut, then bake it and suddenly its 110 g of protein and i have to go out to get more darn protein for dinner. where did all thossse graaaams gooo.

Everything went great today. Pushed myself on workout....except I could of pushed myself more with the sit ups.
Had to eat a like prawny dinner tonight after work, at 11: 30 pm...Was going to eat it earlier and make my lunch and dinner for work but that DAAAAMN gram shrinkage of the halibut make me unable to make the dinner until i bought more protein at work. Luckily I work in a grocery story though.

Weeoo WEooo..
see a physical change in mirror.....though i wish my fat dissapeared more rapidly as I see it has with others in the first 2 weeks. It just loves to stick to my tummy though. I don't think i've ever seen it not there.

I'm just sitting here....watching movie..at 12 41....want to wait for atleast 45 minutes before sleeping, just ate 40 minutes ago, wantbody to focus more onmuscle growth than digestion when I sleep.
I woke up at 12 pm today so it's not like i'm staying up super late...I'm going to sleep in till 12 again so i'll get my 8 hours.

ok, thats my blog slurry of the day.

Night noit

Jalepeno sandwhich part deux

2010-06-10T01:16:00.001-07:00

update: Finished workout. Everything went well. I don't love how my resistance band makes some excercises TOO easy but some impossible. it must balance!! I feel like i'm doing standing ovation wrong, i'm feeling it all in my arms, not my chest. I'm going to do that one again in the morning with day 10's workouts. I want to get it right. rowing was the one that seemed too easy...was probably the resistance band. Did jump ropes in a dark park...Heat of the night...just like BATMAN! was real sexay!

Alfred, These chicken and jalepeno sandwhiches are FEROCIOUS--I could eat them by the TON.

2010-06-09T22:47:00.000-07:00

A picture I drew last year that I thought fit in very nicely with the PCP...RUN FAT BOY, RUN!

Anyway I don't want to talk about PCP tonight or i'll become a drone. todays diet went perfect: prawns and scallops were my proteins...haven't eaten meat in a year or so ...bodies just taking its time to digest it...but that's expected...feel kind of groggy, but that will pass. Face breaking out ...hopefully that better pass...or i'm blaming the milk for sinning me with a sudden outbreak. Could be just toxin expelsion though...since my diet changed for the better. Found door anchor for resistance band today...Doing workout at 11 pm tonight after I write this post. I will NEVER do another evening workout ( this is my first though, all before have been right when I wake up) today was just no time to myself...till now. OK THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE a NO PCP post...must not become PCP ROBOT.

Ok so what was I going to say...Yes ...I remember the time this year were I decided I needed to be fit. I was reading Grant Morrisons Batman & Robin...I'll catch you up. Batman is dead and dick grayson, the first robin is now the new Batman and Robin is now Bruce waynes evil son Damian Wayne.

So there is this scene were Batman ( the old robin) and Robin ( Damian) are in their new headquarters and damian is fixing the new flying batmobile and Alfred comes down with a tray of food. Batman grabs one of the sandwhiches on the tray and shouts:

"Alfred, These chicken and jalepeno sandwhiches are FEROCIOUS--I could eat them by the TON."--Batman

While he said this he was in full costume except the mask, looking up at his high tech computer screen trying to solve a murder case, you know, put the Clues together....and he's just holding this sandwhich and announcing it's perfection.

Now the point of that was probably to show that the new batman is much more fun and can express actual enjoyment and enthusiasm for something, rather than the gloom of the old batman... just character dialogue to show us we are reading something fresh.

To ME, it brought it into reality and made it super real. I saw this batman, his perfect physique doing what he is made for in that cave: Crimefighting...eating his perfect sandwhich.

I needed that, right at that moment.

I want to be that man who does what he loves, makes arts, worlds, perspectives that spread like a virus...But I want to look like art ....standing in my room...doing something as simple as eating a sandwhich.

Every moment I live in...especialy the most mundane moments, should be gorgeous enough to be put on a panel.

My art and me will not be seperated ...I will be my art. It will be me. I will look the part of the characters I create, and they will look like me.

There is no excuse not to look and feel like your fantasy self.

OH MY

2010-06-08T11:39:00.001-07:00

WELL...doing post now cause will have to go straight to bed when I get back from work tonight. Working for my mother selling whale watching tickets in the morning. weoo weooooo.

was such a clutter this morning, getting started, did the workout...am going to have to get an easier resistance band . Could barely lift my arms 1/4th of the way when doing the davincis. I felt it though. I toughed through that as much as i could lift. Could of put more effort in the sit ups. For the inclined pull up...I have this projector I use to project my thumbnail drawings onto drawing table so I can rough out the final illustration a little more briskly...SO i used the bar handle that stands it up as the inclined pull up bar and put it between two chairs. Will need to find substitute quickly though, that bar was esssspeeenssiiive.

besides all that. Workout went well. Jump rope is rather easy now.

Eating my first meal now...Quinoa, lemon juice, parsely, cilantro, tomatoe, sunburst, cucumby, and some red peppy....put raw egg in milk ( thanks Mikhael) with cinnamon...was delicious...hope milk doesn't kill me...

today feels VERY hectic...All the time put into cooking in a day is surprising. just finish my first meal now I am going to go prepare my next two for the day, for work. WEOO EOO WEEEOOOO. GONNA have some lemony dill cod.

Tommorow will be my first evening workout. I hate doing that. Have to wake up so early though. ALSO it will give me time to find a damn right resistant band with the damn door placement knob. Evening workouts will NOT become a habit.

Took some pictures today for week 2,

changes are subtle...but it might just be the loss of pants.

Day one.

OK, SPAZ ATTACK!

2010-06-07T21:34:00.001-07:00

It all kind of smacked me in the face with this last e-mail and my first instinct THE TWEEK OUT is driving this train now...while all the other personalities I hold inside me are fearing for their lives as it DRIVES US OFF THE RAMP!...

ok I'm over reacting...MAYBE!!

I was going to post about my last meal...but who cares now...completely absorbed with tommorow and fearing for my life since everything will drasticaly change. meals are being increased by a trillion and workout too. That was expected and looked forward to that anyway...not tweeking so much about that. BRING IT ON.

1: I have gone everywhere in victoria in search of a damn resistance band with a knob attachment, EVERY SINGLE PLACE has resistant bands, but not ONE with the damn knob. I'm desperately looking, luckily I have till wednesdays workout to look some more, but i FEAAR the worst. I hate myself that I had a resistant band this whole time, Thinking it was complete with knob, it was in my little box I got it in my closet...OH Royce you don't need to go buy one, YOu have a GREAT one...with knob included. BUT looked inside box 2 days ago...NO KNOB ( it did come with one!, i used it numerous times!)... looking everywhere ....can't find...there must be ONE in victoria...

2: the inclined pullup...I was prepared for pullup bars that are high ...one I can find at a park...I don't know where i'll find one that is low to the ground tommorow...OH god on a WHEEEEL...I hope they have one at the playground...

3: haven't ever drinken milk that wasn't goat milk. I've always assumed I was allergic because my mother said i got rashes when I was a younger...I get red spots around now too..but i Think it's more to do with the sugar I was eating....which is known to cause many skin conditions. Patrick suggested halfing my goat milk with water...thought about it...protein would be cut in half too if I did that...want the protein...going to risk it...if i get side effects from the cows milk, then i'll half the goat milk.

I got organic skim cows milk to sort of ease my mind....I mean...atleast it's...organic...

4: I've never cooked meat before...I mean...sometimes i'de order it at a restaurant...I THINK TOO much too. about the damn meat...WHATS THE MERCURY CONTENT?...WHO RAISED IT?...WHAT WAS IT FED??...DID THE OWNER OF THIS FLESH LIKE THE SAME MOVIES I DID?...MUST SHUT OFF MIND... which is why I never really eat it..well, I do...but i just never prepare it for myself...It's neccesary for muscle growth so must just deal with it. I'm being stupid anyway, I completely knew meat was a part of this...but now that it's tommorow...spaz taking over.

5: How do you cook the meat without oil?
just oven work I guess?
MAYBE CEVICHE?? ...but i don't want to wait 10 hours for a Ceviche.

6: I tried the resistance band tonight just to test it Out...can do the curl with them...but cant even do one da vinci fully..just halfway...I hope this is normal for the start so I don't have to go out looking for an easier resistance band as well as knob.

Ok...ok...cleared mind...must relax...i didn't know what to buy at the market for proteins so i got a cod and scallops because they were first thing I saw...I hope they were raised well....what the hell is a scallop? What animal is a mini BLOB? unless they arelike clams...i'll go google.

Last meal was same as every meal...till haven't eaten salt or sugar or oil even before the pcp proper....so I won't have a tough time with that...Today I did add half a teaspoon of virgin cold pressed coconut oil to my steamed veggie mix.

I honestly don't crave anything junky at all so I didn't think there was a point to eating something non PCP just for the sake of it so it could be my last meal. The veggies were delicious and hit the spot...Can't wait to see what everyone else had though!!! RAWWR!!

love,

royce

UPDATE: calmed self down now. all calmed and ready for tommorow. GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE!!

Glazed Over Alien presence....

2010-06-06T18:38:00.000-07:00

God...4 hours of sleep...but....still was very energetic throughout the day.
Winding down a lot now though.
getting.....sleeepy.......
but must push on.must finish.....this.....bloaaag.......

Asked my roommate to vacate the apartment at 3 pm so I could do my workouts...to embarassed to do them with an audience.

Is it bad that my body doesn't hurt anymore? I hate when I wake up and the muscles arent sore...it makes me feel like I did something wrong....but I FEEL like I pushed myself during the workouts.

Foodsss of the day:

1/2 cup of quinoa

I made this veggie smoothie that consists if : 2 carrots, hemp seed butter, half a beet, half a green pepper, parsely, kale, spinach, lemon, cilantro, basil, oregano, tomatoe, half a small onion........very healthy....but tastes very gross....so i mixed it with my quinoa....
ill save rest of it for tommorow. to mix with things things.

6 oz of blueberries

a green apple.

That is it....I feel like im eating less than half of my usual.......like only 400 calories a day ......especially today....But i feel very energetic, so i can never recognize the signs of the body of whether or not I should eat more. How did people know how much to eat in their day before people started shouting EAT 2000 CALORIES!!must be way of reading body signal to tell me how much more i'll need to not wither away...Tired...don't know what i'm saying. I'm going to have the rest of the pecans I bought yesterday ( 5 of them) and perhaps.........HALF......OF.....A....BANANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or maybe all of it. I have like 60 bananas here, that I took before they were thrown away at the market I work at. Should have one.yes.

I'm going to have another shot at that awful juice though. blech. Suck it up. it's way better for me than a damn banana or pecan is.

Excercises went well. pushups were hard.

SLEEP TIME NOW!

Hopefuly I will feel pain in the morning.

update: Woke up with uurge to snack. Luckily ...snacked on small bowl of strawberries.

A Quickie

2010-06-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

( Yes this photo is COMPLETELY relevant to this post)

Thanks to everyone who replied to the "help me with the seasoning of my food" question!

Lemons, vinegar (apple cider vinegar is my favorite) and waiting it out. I think It's already settling down though and I'm enjoying the subtle flavours.

I also found a trick to just leave it in the fridge overnight , makes the few ingredients blend more and flavours emerge.

Ok so saturdays kind of suck, I get off work at 11 and have to work at 6 am. So I have to get up in 6 hours. I get more than enough sleep on every other day of the week though. I didn't have time to catch up with everyones blogs today but I will make time tommorow....for ...EVERY...LAST...ONE..OF...YOU!

This post will just be short and uneventful:

FOOD LIST OF DAY:

the other half of my raw salsa soup ( tomatoe, cilantro, some onion, and half a green pepper, blended) with half a cup of quinoa......which is completely amazing....since today I added in some raw hemp seed butter ( EXCELLENT stuff, good fats, TOnnes of proteins nyum nyum!) and 2 egg yolks to give it a kind of vanilla kick aftertaste. I split this bowl into halves, ate one in morning, one at night ( the halves)

5 dates

a cup of pecans throughout the day ( too many pecans though, I probably ate more than I should, but i'm glad i sprinkled the cosumption throughout the day)
I bought them to stuff into my dates, to make little 2 ingrediant mock Pecan Pies.....date stuffed with pecan = delicious

hmmm oh yeah half an avado today too.

energy today was VERY high at work. I think both the clean diet i've adopted again and the excercising every day are really showing their effects now.

workout went well today , no complaints with it today. did it all. all worked fine. some work on my pushup form is neccessary though. I kind of hate lunges, but just because there are a lot of them and i get bored haha. I know they are helpful though. So thank you lunges for the strong legs you will give me.

Tommorow will be my first afternoon workout, when I get off work at 3 pm.

Ahaha though I guess its the same time I usually do workouts , since I usually wake up at 1 :30 pm.

Hope you all are doing fantastic, Can't wait to see how everyone is doing!

Update: Wait a second, I didnt even do lunges today, I did those yesterday...god...confusing days...today was the squat thingy with arms out thing...yes yes...it's all coming back to memory now

DAY FOUR FOOD LIST LIST:

2010-06-05T00:38:00.000-07:00

Danny DeVito: WHAT'S ON THE MENU!?

My mother came and picked me up and she likes to go to restaurants and forced me to come with her...so LUCKILY it was a Japanese restaurant...

I got a slab of raw salmon, and raw tuna, with some raddish ( no seasoning or sauces or nothing, and didn't add any either). Ate half of those then half for later.

like 7-9 strawberries

1 banana

half a cup of quinoa mixed in with fresh salsa soup ( 2 blended tomatoes, half a green peppey, small peice of onion, limes, and cilantro) , no salt or anything, was blande...

I REALLY would like to find a way to make the food taste good. I've had zero salt or sugar since this project ( cept for the fruit sugars, but i've been sticking to low glycemic fruits like berries...though i have a banana a day too). Maybe I'll just have to suck it up, But if there is any suggestions please share.

Love,

Royce

It puts the hand on the Door.

2010-06-04T16:11:00.000-07:00

( Why so Aloof Mr. Male MoKel? Yes...stay aloof...little do you know that Soon you will be evaporated and it will be MY head on that body...If the spell goes according to plan! The Spell: Hardcore daily workouts and a fantastic diet, of course!)

I'm concerned that I finish my workout much too fast. I did it in 15 minutes today...with ten minutes to spare....so I danced for ten minutes to make up for that time. I mean...I am doing everything...Properly as well I think..but still 15 minutes. I'm not speedily doing them either. Though I do take the rest in between sets, I don't in between excercises...That shouldn't a lot to much time though. Should I slow down even further I wonder.

It took A lot OF WORK to get started this morning. Since I work till midnight most nights, I stay up till around 4 am , then sleep in till 12 mostly ( cept sunday I have to work at 7 am, so I go to bed as soon as i get home at midnight on saturday). Today I slept till 2, lazily layed there for for an hour...I think I astral traveled...though that could of been a dream I had where I astral traveled. The dream told me the key to traveling non ordinary realms is making an effort in interacting phsyicaly with it, and not just observing it. Then it will open up everything. So I remember outting in physical effort into opening a door and it all looked very real....Then it turned into a dream of my roommate and mother on an erotic date and I did not want to be there to witness that development...so I got up to do my excercises to the tunes of BAD THINGS and BURN IT ALL DOWN.

Dream was right though. Same thing from astral land applies to here. None of our dreams will expand or become more real unless we make the effort to interact with them...very physicaly. Being a dreamer with a lot of imagination is not an accomplishment.

Being a dreamer with a lot of imagination and a body built to recreate that very dream in the phsyical world.....That is a combination that is truely unstoppable.

This is why the PCP is so important to me. It's not just about looking stunning and irresistibly gorgeous...The body is the TOOL to make our fantasies and desires REAL.

It's absolutely essential that we sharpen this tool to perfection.

A little imperfection will make it shine even brighter though ( Broken nose, oblong head, twitchy eye, no head etc.)...but just a Mrs.dash of it.

P.s. Leg raises were difficult today...I found the pushups , to my surprise, move fairly smoothly though.

Day number 3-WEOO WEOO WEOOO

2010-06-03T23:48:00.000-07:00

( A little Coco To Cheer me up)

Feel obese, just ate a large bowl of steamed kale and red pepper and didn't half it because it was kale and red peppy and figured it's pretty harmless...so don't feel too obese.

TOTAL list OF FOODS OF ALL DAY IN ONE LIST:

3 EGGS

Bowl of Quinoa ( half for breakfast, half for lunch)

bananer

small bowl of blueberries ( half for breakfast, half for lunch)

some hemp seed butty like a tbls spoon

one bunch of kale

one red pepper

2 small carrots

no seasoning on anything except for some salt free MRS.DASH, and the quinoa salad i bought at a market had some artichoke and oilive oil in it.

probably more than a fair share of organic dijon mustard on the eggies. but its like 3 calories and has 2 ingredients.

Bad movie is on tv...YES MAN...watching it....good concept...should say yes to everything from now on...or atleast a month...to try it out.

Work was long, feel kind of tired after long day, since encorporating workout into day. I never usually get tired after work...bit sore..but I like it. New guy at work talks in a loud obnoxious fake english accent. haven't heard his real voice yet. Annoys I.

Am rather Irritable lately in general...has nothing to do with the PCP though.

Workouts went well...
Always kind of worried i'm doing the sit up wrong. neck placements and all that. Abs do hurt though.

True blood starts again soon...I'm pretty excited for that.

Tommorow I have to finaly conquer my room... it's just revolting...Need to start writing again...so many lost ideas that haven't came to life.

TO DAY 4!! and an END TO DAY 3

Listen! Day TWO...Still no ABS...what gives?

2010-06-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

haha today was such a wasted day. After workout I just layed on my floor in my bedroom and watched documentaries all day....and then I watched Glee...Now i'm on a forum where shamans talk about their altered state experiences... I think i'm going to walk to the beach tonight and meet my spirit animal...Although I think my spirit animal is the spider that crawled out of the banana on my floor...he hasn't eaten me yet so only other option is he is protecting me. Must make more effort to have VERY VERY FEW of these days.

Starting the stretching from Patrick's Knowledge Workers Survival guide tommorow, going to incorporate it into everything.

food list for day:
3 hardboiled eggs, tsp of organic moostard
bowl of steamed kale
bananer
handful of cherry tomatoes.
some hempseed butty too
I also smelled some hummous ...and licked the crusty lid of the container...because it was there, not so much because I was hoongray.

Don't really feel like eating anything more today being how i've done NOTHING today,besides the workout, that takes any energy...

Will find a pikture that goes will with this bloag post.

Oh yes. Here we go...Bed Time now//Noit noit

UPDATE: I just ate a whole Apple.

ARK OF THE COVENANTS and Other SHITE

2010-06-02T15:35:00.001-07:00

OH YES!!! Wrote up the whole post and then the computey crashed so Will begin ONCE MORE. Where was I? Previously on Royce: I was gunna talk about how bloody absurd my morning was, I slept for 12 hours, so I felt like crap...Posted this beautiful pikture of my original day one phokograph. EXTRA POUT, EXTRA SADNESS! IT'S DAY ONE REMEMBER! BEFORE piktures must look MISERABLE! haha, luckily the one I sent in looks even more miserable.

When I first was writing my day 2 blog I was about to start my workout, but since it crashed I have completed it. MMm I feel so much sexier now. I have to admit, the leg raises were a bit tough at the end...but ...but...I ...ENJOYED THEM IMMENSELY!! Something very acrobatic and pleasurable about them. They really hurt in all the right spots and made me feel like I had A 6 pack already.
Pushups,I did them. I always start like " HA, PATRICK SAYS DO 5-8? I'LL DO 15!!" Then i do 15, but then my next 2 sets I struggle to even do 5 haha. DID THEM THOUGH.
Lunges are lunges.

Jump rope= REAL SEXAY FEELING TOO, enjoyed them!

My food will probably be the same as yesterday so I won't make a list about it, trust me it'll be exactly the same. Not feeling creative about food today.

ALSO, what I do after workouts is I put on 15-20 minutes of my favorite songs and just dance DANCE DANCE! in my living room. You feel absolutely amazing afterwards , it's SO TRIBAL!!! LOVE IT!

Ok now i'de liek to get to what I wanted to talk about. As I have said before, I have a new obsession every month or week or day or so, That obsession can take form in a diet, book, idea, a jacket, glasses etc.
What I learned from the Diet periods is..you become an incredibly boring human being and no one wants to talk to you. During Raw food diet, All i could seem to talk about was the RAW FOOD DIET or judging people on their dietary habits. IT was ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT!! It BECAME ME. PCP will most deffinately have the same effect. So It's vital, I think, That we do the diets to the best of our ability, the excercises with our UTMOST EFFORT, then try our best to completely forget about it during the moments we don't have to think about it in our day ( Ain't mean EATING DOUGHNUTS!! I mean in between meals and working out...THose moments). So I'm stocking up on books I haven't read and writing more in my journal on ideas I want to bring to life. Grabbing out the old sketchbooks as well ( Maybe). Creating and delving in to many aspects of an all rounded person...or we will be destined...to become...vapid beautiful people.

Heres a video I was watching this morning that absolutely fascinated me. I'll share

Also for you more materialistic types who get their pleasures from visuals alone and not from all that gobbly goobly history and information shite, I'll post some wicked pictures of cool shoes I found online...To get your mind juiced up.

I promise I'll spell check and be more coherent during the following blogs...perhaps...

Royce ( obviously)

DAY 1 PART TWO: Real Sexay Folks

2010-06-02T01:58:00.000-07:00

Found this on a blog just now. Love... LOOK AT ALL THOSE SEXAAAY PEOPLES! If this isn't PCP inspiring, than what IS? Let's GET FIT AND JOIN THE PILE!!! SO...TEAM NAME Ideas: Sex Pile, Pyramid of Sin, Skyscraper of muscle...etc. Ideas?

OH HI THERE

2010-06-02T00:04:00.000-07:00

OH HOW I LOVE LISTS:
I see a few of you beautiful people using them to describe your daily food intake. I will as well. I also see a lot of people taking the eat half of the food, very literally. Half a grape etc. It makes me nervous haha. I usually eat a Tonne so I suppose one meal would be half for me.

If I have one talent it is dieting. My favorite of them all was the Raw food diet. It made me feel sexay and swoon all day long. I couldn't figure out a way to do it without spending 700 dollars a month on food . Lost too much weight from it. It was les supermodel skinny, and more dying sad skeleton skinny.

Next came the 10 day Water fast. That wasn't so much a diet...fasts are a very temporary way to lose weight for me, it was entirely for cleansing mah boday so I can feel things fresh again (It worked until the moment i had processed food again). It was astonishing. From the water fast I learned how much we unneccessarily rely on food...TOO MUCH of it. I never got hungry in those ten days, only bored. I have a glimpse of what the human body is capable of now so I wont let any hunger issues even phase me during the PCP.

OK , THE FOOD:

lunch: half a bowl of quinoa salad
banana

second lunch 3 hours later:
other half of quionoa salad, 5 dates

dinner: ate a stalk of lettuce
3 hardboiled eggs
bowl of steamed kale
4 cherry tomatoes
organic simple dijon mustard on the eggies to make them yum.

THE EXCERCISE:

God, 2 months ago I was doing an intense workout every day for 2 weeks before i just threw it out the door, I could do that pretty well and it included a tonne of jump rope. TODAY , HOWEVER, this little workout almost destroyed me, THIS GOES TO SHOW HOW bloody out of shape i've gotten in just 2 months, relying on bad food and the only excercise my workplace.
It went well...I worry i am doing the sit ups/crunches wrong though. I am not feeling them in my abs as much as I know I should be. I remember in highschool my gym teacher tweaked my crunches ever slightly and it changed how they felt drasticaly...can't remember what i did then though.

Watching the gaga on larry king...Thinking seriously about how important our presentation to the world is. I still have not decided if I really like her or not though I secretely do. I'm fascinated with individuals who become their fantasy selves rather than just fantasize about it, no matter how odd that fantasy may be when it materializes.

Oh yes, THE RAGE. I'm told how people feel fantastic after they workout or do some cardio. I am not one of those people. I always get very grumpy afterwards? is it because i've been on a bad diet recently? Then how do i explain when I was on a good diet...It usually happens with strength training...not so much after a jump roping. Feel like i'm ready to battle for the kill or something...I noticed this taking full effect today at work. The customers at my grocery store I work at...seeemed..particularly annoying today. I usualy go about them with a very zen approach... " Royce they are just you, just another embodiment of you so when you hate them you're just hating yourself. We are all one"

Then I remind myself how great I am at self loathing and I allow myself to be annoyed with them once more.

Things I feel blessed with though. I work in a work place that allows me to constantly be on my feet and moving for 9 hours a day. I also adore all the beautiful freakshows that come walking through that door when you're working downtown Victoria. Crack and paranormal capital of the world it seems.

Goodnight HONAAAAYS

A spider crawled out of the banana peel on my floor.

2010-05-31T01:38:00.000-07:00

HI! I am Royce. we have 15 hours to go and I'm extremely ecstatic. I think I'll take a walk to the park with Jay Z's Empire state of mind...to cool myself down...perhaps get my last chocolate bar. Just took a bunch of side photos of myself for the weekly photos preparations. I am absolutely horrified by them. Public humiliation is probably the best cure for anything though. LET'S GO ONWARD!!

Cultivate your CURVES

2010-05-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

A man told me to Embrace my "sexy feminine curves" today...I am now motivated more than ever to begin this PCP. RIGHT.NOW.

OR SOMETHING

2010-05-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

Well that needed editing...or something something something.

Let us get RIPPED!!!!

2010-05-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

LISTEN! What a completely appropriate day to start the PCP training...Drank too many martini's last night and ended up having to escape a naval base at 3 am..

It was all a side effect of watching the Sex and the City city TWO 2. What a mess that was...but one of those messes that isn't so much a movie but instead like an old times witches spell or something. Where as before the witch hides her spell in an apple or something ( or ...a storyline), now she just straight up hands you a vile of the poison...bottoms up, HONAY!

So the effect is the same, without the joy...THAT EFFECT? pure martini drunken over promiscuous damn fools bumbling and stumbling over the small city of Victoria, B.C... DAMN.FOOLS.

Those nights are rare and far between so it deffinately won't be hard without them. Dancing completely sober is funner anyway though not many people try it. Once you get over the initial shyness of going wild on the dancefloor without a drink then it becomes like a Shamanistic journey or something which completely magnetizes you to everyone/thing around you. Pure magic.

ANYWAY, first post...don't want to fill it too much with my shite...I'm extremely thrilled to be doing this and extremely thrilled to be doing it with the awesome team I have. HELLO Y'ALL! HELLO TARA, HELLO JENNY, HELLO ELENA, HELLO KOWHAI, HELLO DEBORAH,HELLO NAOKO, HELLO PATRICK & Anyone else behind the scenes if there is.

Now i just bought a dozen 50 percent off organic eggs...and I have to eat them before tommorow or they go bad...so i'm going to go make a 12 egg omellette.

Later Later

Mmm Bop!

2010-05-29T00:31:00.000-07:00

Doopee doo doo doo mm bop, ROYCE GETS RIPPED!