Sunday, September 5, 2010

NEW BLOG, NEW JOURNAY, NEW EVERYTHING

Ok dears,

New Blog now....don't mind the lack of creativity in it right now....will get to the graphic design aspect of it soon...

this blog will be a lot more vile and raunchy and fun though....THough this blog was fun too but I had to hold back A LOT.

haha

http://templeofdododo.blogspot.com/

bless ya all,

Royce

Thursday, September 2, 2010

final post PART 2

eating spinach dip...tastes cheap.

it's 2:25 and i'm watching gays dry hump each other out side my window, outside the gay bar accross the street.

my desk is located in the REPUNZEL like top corner of my apartment. It is scattered with scetches, a wooden peice of draft wood I call my"CRAFTY GUN" , You pick it up and shoot yourself with it in the temple and it fires pure concentrated ideas into your brain, some drawings Mario drew....which look very fucking freaky, so I keep them and a Hemalyan salt crystal lamp....

Maria and I were too poor for dinner tonight so we ate magic mushrooms.

We were also celebrating because she just came third place in a wet t -shirt contest and won the temple of DOODIE DOO DOO 50 dollars.

She buzzed off into the night, high as the highest kite...but they had zero effect on me So I'm sitting here eating spinach dip and going back to my new comfort zone. Blogging.

reading book on GETTING THINGS DONE, while i munch on some crumbs I found.

We are starting our excercise regime again tommorow. But with me and Maria together. We are going to essentialy do a PCP hour every day as part of our DO DO DO routine.

But this one doesn't have an end date. Unless the end date is DEATH. certain death.

OH maria is back now. she is making tea. It will be mushroom free.

I've really taken to baths lately, mostly because we do not have a shower curtain. I haven't had them in years. RELAXING.

Today was a very wasted day...I have 2 more days until I'm a full time drawer/creator/poor as shit/potentialy happy as shit too.

hmmm....i'm never like this in my life....but today and last few days i've been thinking about .........oh god.......being lonely.....and single........it's so ridiculous.....i hate myself for being so....human ...sometimes...I don't know what brought these feelings to the front.

Maybe it's the constant coupling and dry humping outside my window?
maybe it's because i've cleared the slate of all other problems and now the ego can only think of relationships to distract me from my work.

I don't ever start drawing until like the afternoon anyway, so i dont think it was a complete wasted day. The window of ideas is like 5 pm to 5 am. A good 12 hours of work time.

though Surprisingly this week has been busier than last week. The storm has calmed though, just these two more days of work to go through. Nothing else to worry about but drawing and bringing table over here...

hmm but yes, all morning I rolled in blanket in terrible sadness. Retarded sadness based on nothing. About how i'll be single forever. God...i don't even know why I would care...I hate that i just suddenly out of nowhere am lonely and sad because of it. truely a waste of my time.

Luckily it's been only a day of it and i have picked myself up.

It is true though, I've completely accepted the fact that i'll be a one man show for ever if not a very long time. I'm too damn strange and unrelatable for any sort of relationship.
I am sometimes good at PLAYING normal, but it fades quickly and things go sour.

So it's best I don't think about shite like this. All I need is my pencils and papers anyway. haha that sounds pathetic.

perhaps i'll end up as a great artist from this...and then have a supermodel at my side....like a really stereotyped dumb one that never asks questions so it'll never get boring.

Whatever....Batman is cool with just being Batman....BAH even that is a LIE...he just came back from time traveling and realized he needs a whole team, so created like 30 batmen and that doesn't even include the robins.

Where is MY lois lane dear!?

Maybe food will be my lover...and ill become obese and housebound. and sit in the corner while Maria brings me people from below to sacrifice and eat whole in the name of DO DO DO.

The psychic 2 years ago said i'll be single for a VERY VERY VERY long time and then i'll date an old man....

what an asshole...

an OLD MAN.

BATMAN + OLD MAN!?

oh dear....ALFRED?

NO thank you.

NOT a very romantic concept.

This whole accepting myself as a single asexual hermit has really effected my appearance though. I just stop trying, with my clothes...and hygiene and whatnot......oh god...what if i've become soo hermitlike that it is repulsive? WHat if I have become a joke!?

Also...I walked into my mothers apartment today and it was so so so filthy. Garbage everywhere, just absolutely the worst thing I ever seen in my life.

heaps of trash, windows closed tight in darkness, fast food bags everwhere. I was like OH MOM HOW COULD YOU GET THIS BAD?!"

and shes like " IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU DON'T VISIT ME ENOUGH SO I GOT SAD , IT'S NOT MY FAULT! YOU DON'T VISIT ME!"

That kind of really pissed me off.

she's single too, has been since she started letting herself go hard and stopped caring about her appearance.

Is it evil to ignore that problem? Everything is going sweller than it ever has...I just don't want to deal with that shit too. She's not a feeble old woman, she can clean up her own god damn mess. I shouldn't make it my problem should I?

what if my unnatural unnormalness leads me into a dark life of trash and singleness too?

Maybe that is why I always look for roommates ( er...or because im poor as shit) so i don't have to be alone to see what the apartment would become if it was just me.

Oh well...Back to drawing.

PCP part 2 and friends starts tommorow morning

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

FINAL ( psuedo final final)

stealing PLAN B's inturdnet right now.

That is some nightclub right below us...which has thankfully been under construction lately.

Took me a whopping ten minukes to load my g-mail account ...and then I read " Dude where is your final entry?"

LISSEEEEEEEEEEEN.

My final final entry will be when I gets mah inturdnets up and running.

But...I DON'T WANT A FINAL ENTRY!!!!!

I guess I could make it on my mothers office computer , where I go once a week in the mornings before she gets there, to send the bigger e-mails...I'll think about that...I kind of have a vision of me sitting here with a type writer ala Murder She Wrote and writing my final entry from my desk and looking out the window. Pulling the paper from my machine ....it flutters out my window and scrolls accross the sky.

I moved my last box into the apartment last night with the helps of my dear friends. I'm finaly finaly all moved in.

I've been rather poor lately due to....being poor...and foresee myself getting even poorer. So I had to resort to a little theft here and there to eat. But I call it ETHICAL theft. I only steal what they mean to throw away....which they still call theft....
I ust can't stand that they throw away 40 dollars worth of halibut because its been out of the cooler for 5 minutes....so I saw them chuck it...and HOW DARE...so i went into that trashcan and grabbed it ( was still bagged)...this is becoming a nasty little habit though...i've gone into compost lately and taken BAGS of organic produce that has been thrown out because it had a SPOT on it...a SPOT...

but then last night I took this chicken breast ....that was still cold...but i found it in the cookie aisle....destined for trash...I snatched it up... AT IT WITH RICE CRACKERS...AND..AND...PUKE
was so food sick last night...haven't been food sicked ever before really...PUKKED ALLLL OVVER THE PLACE. That was the fun part.....took a bloody hour to clean up though....not the fun part.

I feel rather sick still though.

2 more days till i'm a full time creator.

it's extremely hard to really clarify what it is that I do..

" SO YOU'RE LEAVING TO BE AN ARTIST.....DO YOU DO LANDSCAAAPES?!"

" no, landscapes make me sleep"

" DO YOU DO PORTRAITS!?"

" not preferably, but i suppose i would if i got paid"

" THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?"

" I like to create things and bring people and stories to life"

I don't know what kind of title that is...

I don't want to say i'm a graphic novelist....because I WOULD LOVE AND WILL make a comic book...it's my dream...but that's just one way to bring life to a world and characters and tell a myth.

Maybe I'm a Mythmaker.

CREATOR...

GOD!?...hmm...don't push it darling.

My apartment is very much me some days...and very much a stranger on other days.

It really has nothing to do with where you are ...just what your doing with it. I can imagine being totally miserable here too...the only thing that I guess we have control over is what we are creating and our output. That's the only thing that will make things happy....oh son of a bitch...I think inturdnet just got disconnected......oh...picked up a signal again...ok...back to it.

This PCP journey has been a wild wet delicious and BANGIN ride for me.

It started because I wanted Abs...then half way through...when I got all the salt and sugar out of my brain....it started to open up a part of my self that I have forgotten or not played with since I was a child. THE REAL creator in me was coming out to play again. Not the me that was pretending to be a creator for 12 years but the efforts where all HACKLIKE...I think i've found ROYCE in this....which is far superior to ABs I suppose.

Hmm...in fact....this whole PCP journey for me has been like...like that HEROES journey from a joseph campbells book.

Average boy , mentor, falls into unfamiliar world, finds true self, then backs out, meets final crisis EVERYTHING LOOKS BLEAK, UNBEARABLE....gives in to the dark side, but in the final moments everything works out...

though I don't feel like i concluded yet...I think it's more loose tied...ready for a sequel.

Within this last month, all of you have been there for me while EVERYTHING CHANGED.
This is completely not the life I had going into the pcp...not one single thing is the same.
Completely shaken up. Im excited to see how everything plays out.....or more importantly how I play with everything as it plays out.

ALL of you are absolutely brilliant.

ALL of you have a sturdy strength I wish I had...mines more of a cluster bomb. THERE THERE AND EVERYWHERE.

Everynight new people have been to our apartment ...So the apartment seems to attract people, even with my boxes laid out everywhere....So i'm sure there will be a tonne of stories from this new fact alone.

I think this is the year I lose my STRAIGHT EDGE ness as well..

The year I get to explore...smartly....the ROYCE CHILD SELF i've forgotten for a long time. This year is completely dedicated to him..

My roommate gave me a little bit of Lavender and mushroom to smoke. Just a hint of the mushroom part...and my dreams where on FIRE...they weren't like other dreams...but they were like direct answers to your problems of the moment, in fully HD.

If that's just a taste of what's to come...I'M EXXXXCIITED.

Though...don't worry dears, I would never go all out drugs and drink like a lot of artists out there.

I think they do it because they think it gives them ideas.

I think it just temporarily enhances A side to you that you always have access to.
I think it's just important to remember it's there sometimes.

Hmmm...

Theft...drugs...CHICken puke...

did I cover everything this week?

hmm...i'm still in rant blog mood, not FINALE blog mood haha

But this is my acting final post....but clearly not my final post.

THINGS WOULDN'T BE WHERE THEY ARE NOW WITHOUT EACH OF YOU.

AND THANK YOU Patrick for completely haunting the last 3 months of my life and probably much moooore.

I learned a TONNE and obviously wont stop.

BAH....I'LL BE BACK...with a more finale feeling blog soon.


LOVE,

ROYCE

....waiting for inturdnet to pick up signal before i send this.....

haha, didn't work....will try again.


update:

ten....minukes....later




15 minukes later....


oh dear...HUGE Lineup outside ....thoguht it was for the gay bar....but that place is a shithole....then realized it's FRINGE festival and everyone is waiting to be seated in the theatre next door for the play.....17 minukes later..

I just realized PCP is also a name for a drug a few days ago when I said " I was on PCP" and they replied " angeldust?" Might explain WHY NOT EVERYONE was supportive.

20 minutes later.....

white chocolate crumbs look like feta cheese....

this is annoying...ill just leave this as my main page and send it later.

update: about time!!

edit: How come EVERYONE in my younger brothers class ...3 years younger than me...has a baby...except ONE kid from the original group of them. But out of my age group from elementary school....in my grade...not one of us has a child at all...but we are all the fucked up mid twenties CONFUSED with life types.

INTURDESTING...INTURDESTING....

I need to get KNOOOCKED UP.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Day 90- BEAUTY MY DEARS, BEAUTY

TEAM SEXAY, you people have hands down been the thing I look forward to most EVERY DAY...NOW MAYBE its because i'm now addicted to blogging, or maybe because you all are just...so....DEVINE? ABS ABS TO GO AROUND, you're all gorgeous.

Typing this post from an office that is not my office and NOT my computer...but i wrote my blog on scrap paper at work today so I can type it up here quick and vanish.

SO...last night really gave me hope for everything.

I finished some more packing at my old place...I feel really sad that I lived there so long...It was like self imposed prison in a little characterless box that I turned into a mess of filth. It's truely not a pleasant sight, Going in for hopefuly the final cleaning tommorow morning.

I went home to the temple and ...it felt different than the last few days...like...it was vibrating. Earlier in the day I was having a bad art day. Drawings loads but one of those days where the gods don't bless you with any good ideas/concepts so you ust have to focus on technique instead....which is still very important...so in all it was a good art day. Got the job done.

Then night came. The gay bar outside was fluttering with little sex fiends in their skimpiest and I heard a loud shout while I was staring at self in the bathroom mirror...coming from the corner window.

" ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYCE"

Why it was My good dear friend Mario and his friend Anna. Gorgeous creatures. Mario traveled ALL the way from the INTURDNETS to come yell up to the temple of DO DO DO. Is a long journey.

At the exact same time that Mario yelled up ,Takehiro, devine princess of the queens of the moon ( heir to the throne of Nod, in the land of the FAIR FAERIES)came to the door as well... with gifts.

It felt like the musical "rent"...Living in the best apartment in the city, Poor unfortunate artists gathering together with gifts to unite or whatever.

It was all awkward at first. naturaly. So I offered Takehiros services as a witch to Mario and Anna and asked if he could read them their Tarot. Of course I didn't warn the fair maiden Takehiro of Mario's gorgeousness, so he was really nervous giving the reading AND DID NOT MAKE IT NEARLY dramatic enough.

Mario completely had Takehiro, Maria, and me Smitten. He has this incredible talent that one could only equal to being a living breathing muse. He understood his physicality to a level of pure sophistication. Everything he wore or how he sat seemed almost mathmatical. Patrick talked about the " Blink" , dear Mario got it nailed. I've got work to do if I want to be legendary and instantly recognized as TEMPLE OF DOODIE DO DO head...with an heir of sophistication about me. I need to learn a thing or two from this guy.

The most astonishing thing about last night....after Takehiro got tired of spinning around in his see through dress, we all sat down in our seperate corners of the floor and either drew/wrote music/made terrible bread ( Maria ). WE created for 3 hours. The TEMPLE OF DO DO was finaly growing into its name, INSPIRING CREATION. THIS IS WHAT I WANTED ALL ALONG....but on a much more dynamic scale...but this was perfect too.

When everyone found their seperate space on the ground to sleep....after an hour of writing combined effort fantasy smut porn of Psychic Sylvia browne and Oprah Winfrey,I had an awesome idea as I tried to sleep ( I sleep on the windowsill ...like a fancy cat overlooking the comic book store): I WANT AT LEAST 3-4 BEAUTIFUL , CREATIVE, TRUELY INNOVATIVE PEOPLE HERE . Working all day on our creations and supporting eachother food wise from being scrappy on the side. IF you fight the world as a Pack of creative wolves...NOTHING WOULD STOP YOU. YOU COULD LITERALY SPEND 15 HOURS A DAY drawing, then put in your effort for the pack to eat....rent would be so cheap...and You'de just support each other...like a beautiful makeshift family...all with something to offer.

The idea really excites me.

Before I went to bed...it was just me and Takehiro awake talking about gods and art and the beauty of the universe and he said " My dear...the two severed heads I saw floating behind Mario during his reading today...seemed to have gone...This Temple seems like it belongs to you now...It is yours now"

It really did feel like something changed in this place last night...The Temple of Doodie DOo doo was born

I went to bed with when the streets outside were disserted and woke up to the streets haing been made ready for a parade of sorts.. skaeboarding rings seemed to have appeared out of nowhere...an the streets where shut down from cars....One lone hooker walked down below my window wearing a pink bikini top and a dress that literally fell past her naked ass...She was tweaked out on MANY things...She shouted...at 10 am this beautiful morning" WHO DO I HAVE TO BLOW TO GET BACK TO CALIFORNIA!?" ...sigh...and I knew I was Home.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Making a bullet

Boom Boom Boom dears.

Laying on floor in temple.

Not overthrown with energy and drive and unlimited creation like i imagined living above my comic store would feel...

Temple feels nice, eerie, but not VIBRATING WITH ENERGY of the sun like it should be...

then it hit me...

This place has had many many occupants and everynight it has to watch VERY LOUD gays fight in drunken slurrys outside....WHY WOULD it be vibrating....

So I'm making a bullet to kill it/reboot it. PHOENIX BULLET!

it needs to learn that Gods live here now. Gods with ONE goal: creation.

I need to train it to be our Mt. Olympus.

the Gunpowder is made of DOING, DOING, DOING and consists of me drawing all day, excerciisng every morning and only eating foods fit for the gods...I want to throw in meditation or journeying in there aswell ...but we'll SEE.

I think everything else is just a goddamn excuse not to do shit.

" im not feeling the right vibes"
" the ghost suggests we move the table this way"
" I feel like the energy isnt good today, lets cast a spell or two:"

NO NO, NO MORE OF THAT.

this is the temple, I HAVE TO MAKE IT WORK.
SPIRITUAL REALM OR MATERIAL REALM...one more fantastic than the other...means NOTHING...they are BOTH shite. BOTH just distractions!

only thing important is DO.

The bullet might take awhile to take effect...But every day I DO, It moves a little closer to the heart of the temple....I think i'll know if it works the day someone walks in and goes " The energy in here makes me realize everything in my life is a lie...where IS SOME PAPER...I HAVE A SUDDEN NEED TO DRAW!"

P.S.

Moving is going so slowly because I have no truck haha...Me and a different friend every day literaly have to move one peice of furniture or box all the way downtown, takes about 2 hours for one load...then it's usually off to work after that....

I'm really annoyed that I haven't gotten enough drawing done this week. I'm frusterated that I underestimated this move. I figure I paid rent till the first...so i'm good for 2 more days there...tommorow i'm just going to take the entire day off of everything and just sit and draw and move all these scribbles I made on notepads during work ( A LOT , A LOT OF SCRIBBBLES and doodles, many im quite proud of haha) and spend tommorow ( friday) turning them into coherent designs. one and a half more weeks till absolute ABSOLUTE freedom...welll...I guess until after the move actually...Then it wont feel as cramped.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

ROYCE INC BLOG BLOG

Ha ha so my dear Operatic singer master Takehiro and I were walking to my old apartment to collect my Pony ( rocking wooden pony) and other assortments and he's like " MY DEAR, EVERYTIME I'VE BEEN READING YOUR BLOG SINCE THE BEGGINING AND NOT ONCE HAS IT BEEN ABOUT PCP" haha

shite. I've never had a blog/or diary in my life and I have to say It's become very much a neccessity for me. It's like I don't have a choice anymore but to blog...i get an itch in the back of my spine when I have something to say and it drags me to the computer to type it out..or the nearest note pad.

I SIMPLY hate the fact that I could be discouraging future PCPers due to long rants about missing my mothers birthday ( SEE BELOW BLOGPOST). SO....

ROYCE INC. CHRONICLES FROM THE TEMPLE OF DO DO DO BloG begins THIS WEEK DEARS.

Speaking of the temple. A demon/ghost/dickwad sat on my roommates chest last night and told her " THe energy in the apartment will never work, give up on your goal to make this place yours. You two will never make it into what you invision it to be"

Hmmm. Rather old buildings are bound to have a ghost or two ..and this is a rather old building...

It gives me hope that this year is going to go very well for us.
If it would be destined for mediocrity, no demon or ghost would put any effort in discouraging us.

The Best treasures are always guarded by the wickedest of beasts.

I found a MAMMA MIA CD in my bag from cleaning...I'm going to play it and dance...

HONAY HONAY HOONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

I hate birthdays etc.

So this morning I was walking to work ( Second job that i wont quit...because it is only 4 hours a week helping my mother out at her tourism kiosk), I stopped on the way there to look at a Totem pole that has been haunting me lately. At the same time, as I often do when my mother comes to my mind ( which usually happens when to go walk to work for her), I was playing my recurring fantasy inmy head where I finaly tell her off and I word is so brilliantly that she stops in her tracks and realizes all her wrongs thenstarts on her journey to absolute bliss & Joy..

As I neared closer to her office at the Hotel....My spider sense started to tingle....

Oh shit....)

It was her birthday this past Sunday.

Ok I want to run away now...because I know with all my existance that behind those office doors is a woman who has locked herself in her room all weekend with the mantra " I'm so lonely, I have noone my life, Nobody cares about me...what horrible sons I have "(Because I know of my brother and me...i'm the only one who remembers to call people on their birthdays ....cept this time....but I deffinately can count on him not doing anything). Just stewing in self loathing until it became pure, concrete reality.

Human beings are superb creators...too bad a lot of that creation is useless self pity.

Ok...so I'm at the door...My first instinct of course is to Lie...because I couldnt say " I'm sorry"...I new it would lead to being screamed at with absolute vulgar and I have no patience for that shite anymore...so lying seemed the better option.

" I tried calling at 2:15 on sunday...YOU weren't there...did you go to Saltspring?"

( Yeah looking back on it, I'm an asshole...but at the moment I couldn't bare a rant about what a selfish awful brat I was.)

" I was home....alone...In my room ( knew it)...all day....waiting....no one called....I called your brother....he said he was busy....royce...nobody loves me...or even cares if i'm alive"

UUUGGGH

Then I just took the machine for receipts and left the room. It was rude yes, I just dont do these emotional interactions with people like this...atleast not the sad ones...My form of sad is different from a lot of other peoples...When I have sad days they are SAD DAYS. Very extreme melodramatic states of mind maybe at most a week of being pissed off....But then they pass when I delve into something new...I think my spaced out " SAD DAYS" are like my brain going " OK...TIME TO CHANGE IT UP AGAIN...GET INTO A NEW PROJECT, NEW OBSESSION, RE ENVENT YOURSELF AGAIN"....but I can't relate to the whole ONE SAD DAY AFTER ANOTHER AFTER ANOTHER AFTER ANOTHER for like 20 years...at what point do you just have enough and like.....er...TRY...to be happy?

But yeah...I am selfish....I am very selfish. I'm kind, appreciative in my own ways, very loyal, wish the best for everyone, honest...but still selfish.

I'm not a scrooge kind of selfish: MONAY MONAY MONAY , AT THE COST OF EVERYONE ELSE.

I'm more of a " I'm so completely transfixed and lost in my own world ....which I can barely handle to it's full capacity...so I most certainly can't bare responsibility for anyone elses world or " happiness" ontop of that".I'de make an awful father or pet owner at this point in life...I was drawing a woman today in the most gorgeous outfit...with full attention...to devide that attention would make that outfit slightly less gorgeous.

To be honest...On sunday...I woke up at 9 am...packed 2 suitcases...then at one I went to go get the keys for the New apartment...Then I worked till Midnight...then on MOnday...i remember sitting in the Temple of do do do drawing a dazzling victorian lady with a sword...completely absorbed. When i'm drawing or creating a person...it doesn't make me HAPPY...or SAD....or any emotion...but during " DO" mode...I just feel REAL....so that's all art does to me...it just makes me feel REAL...which I guess is a lot. I can still be angry and frusterated by it , But the emotions that come from it feel very organic like you could buy it in a biodegradable bag with a USDA ORGANIC stamp: 100 % RAW RAW RAW...

My Mother called me while I was drawing ( I was still completley unaware that it was her birthday the following day) ...Now...I know when she calls it won't be a joyful call... it's going to be definatley a drama of some sort . So I looked on the call display and didn't pick up...Ok...And i'll explain. Human dramas...family dramas. Any little social dramas befitting any sitcom or soap opera...they NEVER EVER feel real to me. I loathe them. I always feel like I'm supposed to be acting out a part in a play....and I am A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE ACTOR...I hated drama class...and I most certainly hate social drama. Where I love drama is in TV shows or movies where it's spawned from a collaboration of artists from the moments when they were feeling " REAL". Drama WORKS there...it tells a mythology. It's a tool to tell great stories that IF DONE RIGHT, can leave the person INSPIRED to create themselves...HUMAN BEINGS aren't meant to REENACT mythology and live out their tv shows and movies...they are meant to CREATE them for the SOLE PURPOSE of inspiring others to create. WHY DO THEY need to be created?
Why do more children need to be created? they don't...but they will be because someone had a desire to be a great parent.

SO YEAH.... I HATE BIRTHDAYS. I truely think they are retarded. In my experience it's always been an excuse for family or friends to feel lonely and unloved...guilt for anyone who stands in their way. CAN HAVE AMAZING time with mother in a rare moment one day where we enjoy eachothers company....BUT IF IT'S NOT ON THAT ONE SPECIFIC DATE OF THE YEAR...AND FORCED RIGHT OUT OF YOU THEN BEWARE THE WRATH OF TV SITCOM LAND! The land of the gods OF UNREAALITY.

WE are the ones that decide how our day is. Many days I am overcome by doubt and decide my day will be shit. The decision to be happy is by no means easy, but when I decide my day is shit, I know 100 percent that it is MY choice. You won't see me calling up random friends " TODAY I FEEL LIKE SHIT...BECAUSE...OF...YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"

" I'M SAD TODAY BECAUSE...NOO OOOOONE.....LOOOOOOOOOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

JUST...shut up.

I feel like when i'm having a bad day, it's always because I know I didn't live upto the task I had in mindwhen waking up to the day in the morning...but never ever because of someone else. ( Though maybe this rage blog counts as me being angry BECAUSE of my mother? hmm but I don't feel angry at the moment, just VEEEEENTAGIOUSS)

Take responsibility for your happy days and shitty days, and lonely days. The worlds not out to get anyone, I'm sure it cares about you with the same amount of passion as you care about the skinmite making home on your pinky finger.... but there are forces far bigger than the world that do care...and everytime you play your role in the soap opera...they care a little bit less.

Hmmm maybe I am a jerk. I'm writing a blog post angry at my mother for me forgetting her birthday. So I'm turning it around in my head to create the reality that she's the one at fault here, not I. If I were to see myself as a vile person...then I wouldn't be as productive. So I must put that label on someone else ....the ultimate sick counter attack.

Ok...I'll put down my mental defense today then...Ok...I'm rotten , I forgot my moms birthday...but i'll only wear that label until i'm done writing this blog...then i'll shed from it immediately so I can get something done today.

Mothers not evil, I love her in a different way.

Apples don't fall far, darling dear dear.

I'm just an apple who is desperately trying to become a hefty tree....grow legs...and walk a long long ways ...perhaps take up canoeing.